In case you missed the South Carolina/Texas A&M game on the opening weekend of college football, much was made about the Gamecocks blaring Darude's 'Sandstorm' over the PA system prior to kickoff. Here's a sampling:
As someone that has a long history in this genre - I've been going to warehouse parties in clubs long enough that I probably partied at a 5th & Chicon rave with some of your...uhm, older siblings - I am keenly aware of this terrible track dating back to 1999 when it crossed the pond and started infecting the sets of every big trance/electronica DJ of the day. It was one of the few tracks to (briefly) make the leap into the larger public consciousness back then, right around the time people were trying to pump up the 'electronica' phenomenon with acts like The Prodigy & Chemical Brothers. When that bubble burst - and it deflated like Al Roker after lap band surgery - most of the electronic music of the time receded back into the niche crevices it inhabited before...except this fucking tune. THIS tune somehow hung around despite being one of the least interesting tunes of the era. Somehow - and I keep using the term 'somehow' because it honestly escapes me how this track landed on its pedestal - Darude's unremarkable 'Sandstorm' has a chance to become the 'YMCA' of my generation; a tune that signifies a very specific moment in time but gets trotted out at every sporting event as a cheap way to rally the crowd. It's either going to be 'Sandstorm' or that god-awful 'Zombie Nation' track. In either case, I'm going to say to the teenagers of today what I wish my parents had said to me about 'YMCA': I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea this would happen, and I apologize in advance for the 853 times you will hear this track at the games you attend over the next 20 years.
(Side note: If you're one of the people that actually enjoys 'YMCA' at games, tell your parents I'm sorry for cursing in front of you and they shouldn't be letting their child read Barking Carnival in the first place. Give Daddy his iPad back & go play Call of Duty like a good boy; those n00bs aren't going to teabag themselves.)
Since this 'Sandstorm' situation at South Carolina seems to be more entrenched than Scipio Tex at a thesaurus convention, we might as well get the rest of the CFB landscape started with their own terrible EDM* tunes. Here are a few suggestions for the Big 12 and some of our football brethren around the country, feel free to add your own in the comments as well.
*(Dear purists: I know they're not all EDM. Go back to revising Discogs already.)
Alabama Crimson Tide: Avicii - 'Hey Brother'
It's EDM and Country, which means it's doubly unbearable. Anyone who has met a 'Bama fan is silently nodding right now.
Auburn Tigers: Flo Rida 'Good Feeling'
This is basically Flo Rida rapping over Avicii's 'Levels'. (I hate myself for knowing this.) Anyway, this song has to sum up how an Auburn fan has felt since the Kick Six.
Baylor Bears: Rednex - 'Cotton Eye Joe'
Art Briles may be running an offense from 2024 on the field, but in the stands it's still 1995.
BYU Cougars: Aqua - 'Barbie Girl'
It's dated, obnoxiously inoffensive, and appropriately Aryan. SOLD.
Boise State Broncos: DJ Skribble - 'Smurf Techno Remix'
Florida Gators: Gotye - 'Somebody That I Used to Know (Tiesto Remix)'
I like to call 2012 Will Muschamp's 'Gotye Season', because it's the one time in the last 3 years you've heard of either Will Muschamp or Gotye earning their paycheck.
Florida State Seminoles: Kaskade - 'Atmosphere'
Here's the thing: Kaskade is actually a talented producer with a history of making some good tunes. You can't talk about the guy without acknowledging the talent while simultaneously acknowledging that his fanbase is bursting at the seams with recently acquired bandwagoners who don't know shit about him prior to 2009...not that I'm implying any parallels between Kaskade and #FSUTwitter.
Iowa State Cyclones: Skrillex & Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley - 'Make it Bun Dem'
When they knocked off Oklahoma State in 2011, that was arguably the peak of the Cyclones' program. That's about when Skrillex peaked too.
Kansas Jayhawks: Steve Aoki feat. LMFAO - 'Livin' My Love'
Kansas only superficially resembles a football team, so it seems fitting to use a track made by a guy like Aoki who only superficially resembles a DJ.
Kansas State Wildcats: Carl Orff - 'Carmina Burana Remix'
Little-known requirement in Bill Snyder's contract: all in-game music must feature former college roommates of the Purple Wizard.
Louisville Cardinals: Calvin Harris - 'I Need Your Love' feat. Ellie Goulding
Judging solely by Mark Ennis' Twitter feed - and honestly, does anyone else even report on Louisville these days - the Cardinals are the most underappreciated football program in America. This may double as the theme song to Mark's relationship with Teddy Bridgewater..not that I'm judging.
LSU Tigers: Zeds Dead - 'Ratchet'
Urban Dictionary does an admirable job explaining LSU co-eds.
Michigan Wolverines & Ohio State Buckeyes: Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais - 'Summertime Sadness Remix'
Because you complete each other.
Nebraska Cornhuskers: Bingo Staar - 'Dust Bowl Children (Lush & Simon Remix)'
Have you SEEN Nebraska?
Notre Dame Fighting Irish: Technotronic - 'Pump Up the Jam'
Rumor has it Lou Holtz played a dubplate promo of this to the last Notre Dame team to win a National Championship.
Oklahoma Sooners: Baauer - 'Harlem Shake'
Kickoff: PLAY BAAUER SOONER
First down: PLAY BAAUER SOONER
Timeout: PLAY BAAUER SOONER
Oklahoma State Cowboys: Oliver Adams - 'Techno Syndrome'
This song was huge when Mike Gundy was clubbing in Stillwater, and I'm sure he blasts this while sculpting his hair into a thousand spikes.
Oregon Ducks: David Guetta - 'I Can Only Imagine' feat. Chris Brown & Lil Wayne
Because just like Oregon's uniforms, it seemed like a good idea at the time yet I'm pretty sure in hindsight everybody involved regrets doing this.
Penn State Nittany Lions: Smart E's - 'Sesame Street'
Let's just move on.
Stanford Cardinals: Richie Hawtin Boiler Room Set
Stanford is too smart to need catchy hooks for its crowd, instead it runs Richie Hawtin sets continuously in the background during games because that's CEREBRAL AS SHIT.
TCU Horned Frogs: John B - 'Stalking You on Myspace'
Nobody has the heart to tell Gary Patterson about Facebook at this point. Every time they do, he just grumbles something about 'the Tweeter' and walks away.
Texas Longhorns: Green Velvet - 'Bigger Than Prince (Hot Since 82 Remix)'
Oh, you haven't heard of this tune? Of course you haven't. Texas has it on a reel-to-reel they keep in a wine cellar because it preserves the tape in mint condition. They don't talk about the track with 'normals' though, they don't want the masses buying copies and ruining things.
Texas A&M Aggies: DJ Snake & Lil Jon 'Turn Down for What'
I was told by the DJ at their practices this tune produces MAXIMUM SWAG.
Rice Owls: DJ Snake & Lil Jon - 'Turn Down for What (DJ Detweiler Remix)'
Because nobody trolls the Aggies like Rice musicians, and because DJ Detweiler is one of my favorite people on the Internet. And yes, I broke alphabetical order for the sake of a punchline. Just roll with it.
Texas Tech Red Raiders: The Chainsmokers - '#Selfie'
This track is mandatory until your coach has more conference titles than shirtless Internet photos.
UCLA Bruins: Zedd feat. Foxes - 'Clarity'
This track should help all the film/TV/drama dept students channel their inner pain from that breakup that WAS THE WORST BREAKUP IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.
USC Trojans: Diplo - 'Express Yourself'
I'm not going to lie, this is mainly because I want video of USC Song Girls twerking.
West Virginia Mountaineers: Avicii - 'Wake Me Up'
Holgo originally wanted 'Speed Racer', but Oliver Luck didn't want any electronic music during games. Somehow Dana convinced Oliver that this Avicii debacle is actually country, presumably over a half dozen Red Bull vodkas.
BONUS TRACK: The Only Acceptable Version of 'Sandstorm' Ever Made
Yea, it's DJ Detweiler again. I love this guy.
I'd like to thank my girlfriend for her abysmal taste in music; her iPod was an amazing resource of songs I never want to hear again. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to flush the terribleness out my ears with 24 hours of D'n'B Arena podcasts.