Apologies for this pale attempt at Scipio-like humor. This is my first post on here...
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We have some super early commitment news happening today.
Five Star QB Commits from the Womb
Rex 'Ramblin' R., a QB committed to the Longhorns today from his mother’s womb. He spoke through his mama, who said "he was a kickin' and hollerin' throughout the Thanksgivin’ game. I'm sure he's gonna be a five star recruit -- the one to beat!" The twitterverse went berserk as his twitter account listed the tag #thumpthump and showed videos of his bumping around in there with the horns wild win. There was rampant online speculation that the thumping and kicking showed his versatility as a bona fide dual threat QB. A commenter with the handle 1989IronTrucker noted on BON: "I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. All I can do is salivate and wait for his birth! Man, think of our depth chart in 17 years! Come on outta there, boah!" Coach Strong noted: "this little guy is the Malik Jefferson of the 2032 class! That boy and his mamma are born leaders!" On her informal visit to the 40 acres, Mama R. was overheard complaining about some aggies in a pickup truck parked in the supermarket lot checking out her "bump size" as an "Indy-cator" of the future QB’s frame size.
Decommitment News
On other news, a 2031 OLB commit to Texas Tech decommitted right at birth today. Said the mother, "He came out bawling! We all wore those uniforms, but when he came out, he just couldn’t see himself in that icky red and black." The next step of the budding parents is to do up the baby room in burnt orange. The UT alumni base is thinking that they can capitalize on the popularity of burnt orange, and is planning a range of burnt orange baby room mobiles – "these will of course come with the Yellow Rose of Texas tune".
Baylor Beats Up with Glass
Not to be outdone by the horns’ early commit, the Baylor Bears snagged a test tube QB commit, from "Jessy K", with the aid of the "Heisman Baby Sperm Bank", partnered with the Baylor medical school. The bank banks sperm from males guaranteed to have been Heisman winners or finalists (in the small print, it notes that actual Heisman winners are not at all assured) from between the years of 1980 and 2000. Art Briles gloated that "this glass commit has no ceiling". Indeed, the Bears plan to use this lethal parentage combination to assure their pipeline through the 2040s. To this, Coach Charlie Strong noted drily: "we’re no test tube program."
Strong Plans Pre-Birth Classes
Coach Strong and the UT football program is working with the UT Foundation on a program to benefit the "unborn-uns" (also known as the UUs). They will be the beneficiaries of a new UT pre-birthing exercise and research center on the 40 acres. The center focuses on the future stars’ mothers’ health and diet. Said Professor Cindy Capzone: "Our concrete objective to raise the level of the commits stars by at least half a star from their original expected value". Coach Strong also noted: "the goal is to keep those 2032 commits and their mothers in the prime of health starting from day one. At some point, we’re going to work on those flabby fathers. We all know it’s all in the family. We’ll looking into partnering with Nintendo, Microsoft and the LHN to see if we can gamify those long couch sittings."
The Latest Research
A joint research study by the UT physiology and pre-natal departments showed that there is a strong correlation between gangsta rap such as Ice Cube played to the womb and toddler kicking, hopping and pushing ability (this when compared with a control group who were exposed to classical music - in this particular case, Mozart Piano Concertos 21 and 22). Toddlers who had gangsta rap music played to them an hour a day during their womb years were found to increase their vertical leaps at toddler age by a full inch more on average, and could kick a can a good foot further. Their meltdowns lasted a full minute more. Def. coach Bedford notes: "Angry music not ok? Who said it’s a core value? And who wouldn’t want leaner, meaner machines on the field? We’re not employing music theorists here!"
