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Matt Coleman: Jordan Brand Classic Thoughts

I watched AAU basketball so you don’t have to


I recorded the Jordan Brand Classic West/East game this week so I could get a look at Shaka Smart’s most important recruit this side of John Lucas. Well, technically I recorded it twice; I didn’t start the first recording until nearly an hour into the live broadcast, and the second broadcast was tape-delayed by 45 minutes because apparently the NCAA gymnastics events went long. Did you know Nebraska is competitive in a NCAA sport these days? THEY ARE. They have some of the most flexible young women on the planet, which is the creepiest start to a sentence I’ve written since the Smart Texas Basketball eBook published. I think. It’s possible I wrote something creepier in one of the recaps, but those are a thankfully fading memory. (We still appreciate your money though; it funded a significant portion of the tequila I drank through the season.) Anywho, Matt Coleman. That’s who this is about, definitely him and not my overtaxed liver. I think.

The West team — which had Coleman (Virginia) and Mo Bamba (NYC) because MJ was taught geography by UNC’s athlete courses, I guess — won the game, thanks in no small part to A-A-yton besting his opposing guard in a series of “no F you I am the alpha male” possessions through the game. It helped get the West team past the East team — who I’m pretty sure was made up exclusively of Samoans — despite Brian Bowen lighting up the Barclay’s scoreboard from everywhere this side of Topeka. And if you think I’m done with the geography-based humor, you obviously don’t know me very well. Anywho, Matt Coleman. That’s who this is about, definitely him and not my twenty-year grudge against my AP History teacher who gave me a C+ for not extrapolating Sparta’s influence on history correctly because I spent four pages of my essay wondering exactly why Gerard Butler talks out of the side of his mouth. YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN IT, AND YOU’LL NEVER NOT NOTICE IT NOW AND FOR THE REST OF HIS INEXPLICABLY LONG ACTING CAREER.

Mo Bamba was also in this game, and it’s interesting to watch a human who more closely resembles a praying mantis attempt to play basketball. Mo Bamba is 6’11”-ish and approximately 85 lb, which means you’re watching a human skeleton wrapped in skin play basketball at a higher level than most of us will ever dream. Mo has a wingspan the diameter of Saturn and a waist the size of — hang on, let me Google a model somebody under 30 will recognize...oh god, what the hell is wrong with these women? Never mind. — Kate Moss. Or maybe Johnny Depp, he’s getting kinda scrawny these days. Mo Bamba will likely get beaten up by any upperclassman with size, which is pretty much all of them. Having said that, he’s got the length to give most upperclassmen nightmares inside of ten feet. His wingspan is absurd; I know I’m sounding a bit like Craig Kellogg describing somebody’s ‘spurtability’ (don’t search for that on Redtube) but Bamba’s arms are longer than some of my high school relationships. OK, all of my high school relationships. That kind of length can’t be taught; believe me, I’ve had enough learning aids shipped from Adam & Eve to know. It’s also worth noting that his three-point attempt during the game was.....not terrible. Given the length of his arms, it takes him approximately 4 solar cycles to actually get off a perimeter shot (there are limits to the laws of physics) but the form itself wasn’t awful. I imagine this is what it was like to watch Giannis Ante-Atento-Antietam take shots at 17 years old if Greece had webcams in 2012. So yea, maybe somebody puts Bamba at the four in college, but I kinda see him as a five for his inevitable one year on a college campus waiting for the NBA to come calling. Anywho, Matt Coleman. That’s who this is about, not my attempt to deflect from why I know about the search results on Redtube. That’s none of your business, I didn’t volunteer it in the middle of an article about basketball. Are you a cop? You know you have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Did I mention Trae Young was in this game as well? The OKC native-turned OU commit is a five-star PG the likes of which Lon Kruger hasn’t had in quite some time. With all due respect to Jordan Woodard, Trae Young is probably the best point guard Lon Kruger has had since he came to Oklahoma. If he can avoid getting tackled by OKC cops, he has a good shot at leading the Sooners back from the wilderness. I don’t know if he’s a 1 & done, though he shows flashes of potential that lead me to think he’s not likely to be in Norman for more than a couple of years. If he can get over his crippling kinesio tape addiction — not to mention the general malaise of growing up in Oklahoma, which is like if they made a state out of Arlington — he could really be somebody at the next level. I’m not saying Young has a problem, but there’s a solid chance in a year his kinesio tape patterns will look like a HR Giger fever dream. It’s a little-known fact, but kinesio tape is actually how the Geth were invented in Mass Effect. They started as tape, ended up as a sentient AI species who threatened the galaxy. So if you see our species under attack from a felt-covered artificial lifeform, blame Oklahoma. Specifically, blame Trae Young. Anywho, Matt Coleman. That’s who this is about, not the future of our planet as it deals with a life-altering attack from a being that’s one side soft and one side sticky. That’s not a real problem....yet.

Right, Matt Coleman. He was pretty good.

BWG’s writing tunes provided by G8.