“Fail Fast...and Fail Often”
It’s a mantra of ‘tech brahs’ and sadly, of recent vintage, Tech-sas. But let’s just assume Texas’ own resident smartypants gets the football part figured out and take a moment to focus on the important stuff. Let’s appreciate how appropriate it is that the mascot of San José State University is a Spartan. Man José, the nerdier second-cousin of Man Diego, sports a male to female ratio comparable with Polish surname consonants to healthy UT quarterbacks (roughly 13:1). Unlike Man Diego however, which unleashes a load of seamen for fleet week each year, Man José operates year round. So for the land that has more men than Denaerys Targaryen has official titles, it is perfect that their mascot is etched in the zeitgeist as a battalion of shirtless, airbrush-abbed Greco Abercrombie male models with more body oil than George Hamilton on South Beach Sunday.
No matter who walks off the triremes moored on the north bank of Lady Bird Lake this weekend, the Longhorns will be waiting, fairy dust and all. That said, it’s been a rough go of it for the state of Texas. I learned I have a colleague from Maryland this week — a piece of information right up there with the 3rd place finishers on Dancing with the Stars Season 21 (Alek & Lindsay) and what season the newest Bachelor came from (Arie from the Emily Maynard season) on a list of things I didn’t need to know. Baylor lost to a six-man high school team that returns a Google suggestion of ‘Is Liberty an accredited University?’ (obviously, they’re not 2007 Texas Tech). Lastly, because they can’t stand to be left out, Texas A&M’s yell leaders mixed their signals in the 4th quarter, resulting in half the aggy in LA giving the Gig ‘Em right into the other half which were ‘humping it’ (their term, not mine), all to the tune of 34 unanswered points and a loss to that kid from Dorm Room Cribs.
After a week of apoplectic and apocalyptic Texas high school football hawttakes, maybe a match-up with the fighting Jeff Garcias is just what the doctor ordered to help get George Jones’ ‘He Stopped Loving Her Today’ off of repeat.
Better Know a Roster
Michael Carrizosa (P, SR) - was named the SJSU player of the month. Get ready for the best leg sweep vs. crane kick battle since Daniel-San.
Gurdeep Chopra (DE, FR) - DE now, but the Valley Girls tried to convince him to play WR. “Ermahgerd yas! Gurdeep orf of the play arcshun.”
Thai Cottrell (WR, JR) - Mama Cottrell named her kids after her pregnancy cravings, which was fine for Thai and Alfredo. Terrible for little Nachos BellGrande Cottrell, however.
Jeremiah Kolone (OG, SR) - The opposite of smelly Raiders Guard Gabe Jackson.
Tysyn Parker (LB, FR), Sage Ritchie (RB, JR), Bailey Gaither (WR, SO) - Always loved playing the “Stripper or sorority girl” game.
Rico Tolefree (LB, FR) - Either the saddest rapper or the saddest late-night phone sex advertisement.
Tre Walker (WR, FR), Tre Webb (CB, FR), Tre White (CB, FR) - Coach went with the patented “Yellow Pages Robo-Call” recruiting method. Surprised there’s not an app for that yet in the Valley.
Zamore Zigler (RB, SO) - [...] “Zamore what?” “You’re killing me Zmalls!”
- San José State is the only FBS team with a non-standard character.
- The median home price in San Jose is $1,085,000!
- John Carlos and Tommie Smith, famed for their raised firsts for equality at the 1968 Mexico City Olympics, ran track at SJSU. They each went on to have short professional football careers, but never played in San José.
- San José State is the only team in the country who can potentially play 16 games this season...that would require winning the conference championship and both playoff games, but hey...UCLA came back from 34 points down in one quarter.
- New SJSU head coach Brent Brennan is a very energetic, poor-man’s PJ Fleck, and brought in 28-year old Andrew Sowder (apparently a Sterlin Gilbert Texas dude) to be the youngest Offensive Coordinator in the country.
- Last year’s youngest OC in the country? Yea, that would be Texas WR coach and pass game coordinator Drew Mehringer (at Rutgers though, so...don’t know if that counts)
- Conversely, the Spartans had the oldest starting RB in the country last season - 7th year Senior Deontae Cooper (who made Jordan Shipley feel young). A lot of people go to college for 7 years...
- Coach Brennan also wears “custom-made, spikeless Foot Joy shoes” in Spartan blue-and-gold.
- After Charlie Strong replaced Gerg! Robinson and his hair with Vance Bedford, Gerg finished out the final two paychecks of his career at SJSU.
- SJSU played USF (Irma), Cal Poly (wildfires), and now UT (Harvey-adjacent). Next up, two games against Utah teams - you are warned, Beehive State. Donate.
Reasons to like SJSU
- In 2000, SJSU stopped both TCU’s 12 game win streak and LaDainian Tomlinson’s Heisman bid.
- In 1980, San José State beat a #6 ranked Baylor team led by Mike Singletary. Baylor’s only 10-win season in school history; the only other loss for the Bears was to Alabama in the Cotton Bowl.
- San Jose State tried to play Hawaii...they ended up defending it during Pearl Harbor. (Legitimately one of the coolest CFB stories of all time)
VY Pump Fake: Eschewing the traditional homer pick (because I’ll try anything to break the cycle), I predict a tie. Texas scores 42 points while SJSU IPOs a startup.
Kyle Carpenter: Maybe instead of Swag Surfing, UT can try the Dad Shimmy. Also try letting their RBs shimmy for 30 carries and 300 yards. If so, Texas by 4 scores.
Brent Brennan’s backup dancer and running backs coach Alonzo Carter used to be the backup dancer for MC Hammer. More of the same in bosses, really.