Welcome back from hibernation, Longhorn fans. After successfully adding BYE to our strength of schedule (still tougher than an SEC out of conference game), the Horns find themselves knocking on the door of the AP Top 5 just in time to return to our first Halloween week matchup with “the kids not smart enough to get into OKLAHOMA!” since 2009. Just like the last time we played the Mullet Marauders during Halloween week, Michael Myers was also terrifying Laurie Strode on the big screen in a new Halloween sequel. The hope will be to also mirror the on field result as the Horns won by 27 in Stillwater, going on to win the Big XII and ultimately play in the National Championship.
2009 was actually the last of 6 straight ‘Boo Bowls’ between the Pokes and the Horns. The good guys won each of those games, though not without hypertension-inducing drama. Many of you will remember the 04 and 05 games in particular, where the Horns came back from 35-7 and 28-9 deficits respectively and at least one SB Nation handle was born. The point being, weird shit happens in Stillwater around Halloween but by some black magic, Texas has always been able to pull it out in the end. With a starting QB nursing a sprained Air Conditioning joint, a poor sampling of road performances, and an aversion for being the favored team, we will likely need all the hocus pocus we can muster this time as well. The hope is that Herman looted the Purple Wizard’s body and gained his inventory of spells in addition to XP from out last road trip.
And while Greasy S. Pumpkins isn’t quite as ancient as coach Synder, he is certainly more of an old MAN now, 11 years on from being 40. The Young Wolf was only in 2nd grade when Gundy went on his Spooky rant at fake news reporters (for which reporters got something of a payback earlier this month). And if there’s one thing that we know, it’s that neither pumpkins, nor bumpkins age well.
For Halloween, this crew is going as INCELS...no costumes needed. You might think that is an “O” on the jacket but it is actually a “0” for “Zero Tail in 2018.”
Calvin Bundage (LB, Jr.) - Announcer: “He comes off the bench, but the thing about this Sub, is he can take a beating and will keep crawling back for more. Very coachable, follows instructions to a T, can be whipped into something one day. A few things for him to Master then we could see him go from the bottom to the Top.”
Tylan Wallace (WR, So.) - 1000% Hey Arnold character.
Keondre Wudtee (QB, R-So.) - In Texas we might refer to it as “camo,” but in Oklahoma things need to be a bit more literal, so they wear “woodtree.”
Rhett Boles (WR, R-Fr.), Ry Schneider (OL, R-So.) - Which one of these is first to release a “Red Dirt” Country album with a song about the troops included?
Larry Joubert (OL, R-Jr.) - This is sadly pronounced Joe-Bear as much as much of a mitzvah it would be if it was closer to Sgt. Donny Donowitz from Inglorious Basterds.
Matt Hembrough (LS, R-Fr) - He looks simultaneously 6 and 60. Like the old lady, young woman illusion all at once. And also like Christoph Waltz.
Taoheed Karim (CB, R-Fr.) - Taoheed and Karimbria.
Truett Knox (OL, Fr.) - For the old readers to score some cool points: say this name to a youth when he plays you “one of his songs.” You can also go with “Truett Slaps/Bangs, my dude!”
Mbari Snoddy (RB, Fr.) - This very much sounds like an American doing an impression of what a “Frenchie” sounds like, saying “I’m very snotty”
Matt Kegel (OL, R-So.) - Matt out here flexing on these wussies.
Amen Ogbongbemiga (LB, R-So.) - For the Oklahoman who likes to say grace before scaring the local kids with an Ooga Booga on Halloween.
Miguel Fulgencio (RB, Fr) - Looks absolutely disgusted. ¡Qué lástima!
LC Greenwood (WR, R-Fr.) - Little known fact. Country singer/writer of the National Anthem, Lee Greenwood goes by LC Greenwood. The L stands for “Lee” and the C stands for “Come and Take it.”
Arlington Hambright (OL, R-Jr.) - This is undoubtedly my favorite name of the week. Hambright is such a perfect name for both an offensive lineman and my new ‘breakfast foods as light fixtures’ startup. Also, I feel like there has been a dearth of Arlington hate in the comments this season.
This week, Oklahoma Lite is doing a cool thing and paying homage to one of the most incredible college football players (or simply, football players) of all time. Google Barry Sanders 1988 stats sometime. He is on a shortlist with Herschel Walker and Vince Young as the greatest college players of all-time.
But the bigger story here is the uniform they are replacing, which pays homage to an even bigger influence in the state of Oklahoma: Those swirly, bedazzled jeans that the Oklahoma housewives wear.
These jerseys pair well with a chunky-layered bob-cut that is inexplicably shorter in the back, clever wine glass phrases that includes the word diva (and feathers), “blingy” Yellow Box platform flip flops, a minivan with a “dance mom” sticker, Live, Laugh, Love posters, and phrases like “can I speak to your manager” and “why isn’t my Brinklyn starting?”
VY Pump Fake: I’m predicting a tight one - another Orange OT, but this time the Horns have big kick Dicker. Texas wins by 3.
Kyle Carpenter: I’ve taken some time to mullet over. Texas scores 40! OSU, 32.