Salaam Aleikum! God grant me the strength to deliver this broadcast to all who follow the One and True God as expressed in the words of the Prophet Mohammed, Praise Be Unto Him.
I'm Hajez Muhammad Al-Aziz welcoming you from the cesspool of decadence, the belly of the snake, the historic Rose Bowl in sunny Pasadena, California.
It's a great night for football. Today we witness, God willing, two squads of the unclean who have been on a collision course all year for the American Madrasa Championship. Joining me in the booth is my partner - you know him as "The Kabul Cadillac" and "The Anti-Zion Lion" - yes, it's Saleh Khalid Ibn Mukar, fresh from his 3rd consecutive MVP at the Islamic Stoning Championships held recently in Karachi. Allah's blessings upon you, partner! This one should be a doozy.
Ibn Mukar: May Allah guide my tongue truly tonight. As truly as the oval of granite I hefted at the cheekbone of the 11 year old girl whose features I righteously splintered for her indiscretions and offenses last Tuesday. There will be no more co-ed hop skotch played in Karachi, praise be.
Al-Haziz: A brave throw. You aim was true that day in the market. Will USC QB Matt Al-Einart's aim be true as well? He has an arm like a Palestinian, but the Trojan infidel is just one of the many non-believers we'll see tonight on what is acknowledged as the finest Madrasa football unit in college history. Joining the decadent '04 Heisman winner Al-Einart -who drinks, fornicates, and possesses many diseases from Hollywood starlets - is current Heisman winner Wrecky Boosh, who is shiftier than a Shi'ite, the powerful Lynn Dale White, and the speedy Doowany Ja-rrett...the list of the stars in the Trojan sky is truly blinding. Can Texas even keep it competitive?
Ibn Mukar: Blinding, eh? Reflect on this, brother: Wrecky Boosh should be blinded for accepting a graven image. He will pay for his idolatry. And I must proclaim: all that meets Ibn Mukar's ears is Trojans, Trojans, Trojans...you fellate them like ESPN. What of Texas and Vin Cent Young?
Al-Haziz: You have spoken wisely, Cadillac of Kabul. He is a lengthy Moor who can beat you with his arm and his legs. I prefer to beat you with a stick. The first and only American Madrasan to pass for a distance of two day's camel ride, while simultaneously rushing for three lengths of fine cloth as measured by a man's arm, one hundred fold. If he would submit to the True Word he could easily hurdle a Zionist checkpoint and deliver the payload of a martyr deep into a Tel Aviv discotheque before feeling the sting of the Uzi.
Ibn Mukar: ALLAH AKBAR!
Al-Haziz: And we have Tribal Elder Pete Carr-El, attemping to win his 3rd title. He is establishing his own football Caliphate.
Ibn Mukar: A false one, brother.
Al-Haziz: Truly spoken. This warlord Mackbrown - can he win the big game?
Ibn Mukar: If it is so written. God's hand will soon be revealed.
Al-Haziz: It is so. I see the Song Girls. Their ankles are bare. Their heads uncovered. Their breasts are ripe like dew melons and their faces are as smooth as the supple buttocks of a catamite in a pasha's boy harem. I would mount them like an enraged camel, By the Prophet.
Ibn Mukar: As would I. Would their uncles and brothers slay me? What is their tribe? Are they ever left unattended - perhaps near the well to draw water, as night arrives?
Al-Haziz: Perhaps a small raiding party, wearing their "quiet slippers" could...wait, what is that? It cannot be? A Stealth Bomber! Fire your weapon - we shall be martyred!
Ibn Mukar: Idiot, put away your AK-47. It is only a "flyover." The Crusaders do it before sporting events to threaten their populace into supporting expansionist policies against Muslims. Sometimes the flyover will drop gas, killing thousands. But now they drop candies, crack cocaine, Playboy magazines, Torahs, and DVD machines. These are the things the American people crave.
Al-Haziz: A decadent people. You are very learned. Here is the kickoff!
- End of the 1st quarter USC 7 Texas 0
Al-Haziz: The game is being played with intensity. The defensive Moors from Texas are surprisingly fleet.
Ibn Mukar: On the eyes of my father, I swear what you have spoken is true. The kaffir Cedric Al-Griffin rendered the USC non-believer unconscious with that sideline hit. When he awoke, he did not know which way Mecca was, I tell you. Tell me Al-Haziz, have you observed the Texas Pom Squad? The women wear chaps.
Al-Haziz: Observed? Ha, brother. You underestimate me. My eyes are as a falcon's. I am as rigid as Sha'ria right now.
- Halftime Texas 16 USC 10
Ibn Mukar: Wrecky Boosh disgraced the name of his Father's Father's Father with his ill-conceived lateral attempt. He should be made to sew garments for one year with the women. Vin Cent has been very nice - The Trojan defense is not used to his speed. The referees have made some questionable calls, Jews perhaps. I will assess this as the game continues: perhaps we can get our sideline reporter to see if they will lend her money with exorbitant interest. This is Hollywood, you know. We should not leave any Muslim children unattended here. The Zionists will bind them with ropes made of pork and use them in their experiements.
Al-Haziz: Truly, imam. Your half semester spent in American flight schools has served you well. Speaking of our sideline reporter, let us go to Fatima Alwhakardi standing a respectful distance from Texas raiding party elder Mackbrown. Fatima?
Fatima: Blessings upon you, Al-Haziz. I hope for the health of your father.
Al-Haziz: Peace be unto you, Fatima. His water-making is strong and his bowels are sound. May your father's goats possess tranquility and find many tall objects to stand on.
Fatima: You are too kind. As for the mission for which you have tasked me: respectfully, and with Allah's forebearance, I cannot speak to him. He is male, infidel, and not a blood relative. I also missed much of the action when my burqa caught in Frank Okam's cleat as I ran away from the Stealth Bomber during pre-game flyover. My vision was obscured, I collided with the field goal post and lay there sleeping for many hours until Bapu, the Pashtun errand boy, came out from the production van with a wheelbarrow and carted me off. Still, my hymen is sound. I will bleed profusely on my wedding night. No disgrace shall be visited upon my family.
Al-Haziz: Fatima, no lashes for you, clever girl. Of course, we shall speak directly to this man. We are men! This does not concern you. Go and cook or clean.
Fatima: ULLALALALUUULALALALALALALLLLLLLLAAAAAA! ULLALALLALALALUULLLAAAAAAAA!
Mack Brown: I'm so glad to talk with you fellows. Salaam Aleikum! It's such a pleasure to have you enjoying the great spectacle and rich traditions of college football. You know, Coach Royal said that the only thing better than a good college football game is a great college football game. My wife Sally agrees. We're just hoping that we can continue to represent ourselves well against a wonderful USC football team.
Al-Haziz: (flummoxed) (whispers): This Crusader flatters us? Why so friendly?
Ibn Mukar: (whispers) Be strong, brother. (with authority) Now, warlord Mackbrown, you win this jihad while half of the hourglass yet remains. If you should possess more land than USC at the falling of the last kernel of sand, will you accept Allah as your one and only God, and Muhammad as his only Prophet, praise be to him.
Mack Brown: Well, I'll let my athletic director handle the profits. I'm here to coach good kids who graduate. We're just so pleased to be here.
Al-Haziz: Submit, infidel.
Mack Brown: Hey, you fellas have a great halftime. I've got to talk to my great kids about some adjustments for this great Trojan football team. We may also do a quick study hall: some of them have Family Studies pasting and drawing to do; it's a school night. Naps may also be in order. Hook 'em!
Al-Haziz: He rejected the Prophet and will suffer torments in Hell. (shrugs) It is the way of things.
Ibn Mukar: You speak truly, Brother.
Al-Haziz: Super nice guy though.
- End of 3rd quarter USC 24 Texas 23
Ibn Mukar: The infidels on both teams are playing hard, but USC has asserted themselves. Lynn Dale White stiff armed Mich-el Hoof so hard on that last TD run that his unborn children will feel it. He crumpled like a man who had just crossed the Sahara in a nylon track suit.
Al-Haziz: This is truth. Pete Carr-El's main concern now is obvious. Texas will soon begin to appeal to the international press that their treatment is too rough on the field of play. The UN will intervene and this will prevent total USC victory. In the meanwhile, Mackbrown will direct his walk-ons to begin a guerilla campaign of bombings on the USC campus. Then the game could go on for generations; the restless crowd would eventually starve and riot.
Ibn Mukar: Sound strategy, but these Crusaders do not grasp such innovative tactics.
Al-Haziz: Ah, it is so.
Ibn Mukar: Did you notice Nick Lachey? In person, he is shorter than I thought.
Al-Haziz: Yes, yes. Very small. I wonder if Omar Sharif is here?
- 4th quarter USC 38 Texas 33 0:30 seconds left.
Al-Haziz: The Masai warrior, #10, he is a djinni. I've never seen anything like it.
Ibn Mukar: He is a Christian Sudanese refugee, I believe. Driven from Darfur by our righteous brethren. Perhaps the Texas tribal commanders placed food in the end zone and this is why he seeks it so fiercely.
Al-Haziz: The contest was over at the 6:00 minute mark. But #10 persisted and ran through USC like bad hummus through my intestines. 4th and goal. This is the last gasp. Here is the snap...
Ibn Mukar: Oh...drops back to pass, no one open, is he going to...A Scorpion's Balls! - how does Pete Carr-El not stress containment on this play? TOUCHDOWN!
Al-Haziz: I cannot believe it. A whirling dervish.
- Postgame Texas 41 USC 38
Al-Haziz: Fatima, hold the microphone device to the Sudanese #10. We will interrogate him.
Vince Young: Weren't you the lady layin' in the end zone in the first half?
Fatima: I cannot speak to you. I am clean.
Ibn Mukar: Vin Cent Young, you have won your feud with the USC tribe. You drove them before you. What will your terms be to them? What is their tribute? When will you begin destruction of their shrines and temples? You will take the Song Girls back to Austin, yes?
Vince Young: No, it's not like that, man.
Al-Haziz: So you will just slaughter them then?
Vince Young: No, no. I just think I'll go pro.
Ibn Mukar: Fatima, bring us the USC captain Al-Einart.
Al-Haziz: Yes, the vanquished one.
Ibn Mukar: Speak Al-Einart.
Matt Leinart: What's up? The game was a bummer. But, whatev. I just want to give a shout out to Nick Lachey, Tara Reid, Corey Feldman, Scott Baio, Nicole Ritchie...
Al-Haziz: You don't know anyone on the A-list, do you?
Matt Leinart: What's your question?
Ibn-Mukar: Al-Einart, the Longhorns crushed you. Soon they will possess your livestock and women, drink from your waterholes, and deface your shrines. Will you do the only sensible thing and start martrying yourselves in their discos?
Matt Leinart: We didn't lose. We were the better team.
Al-Haziz: Eh? What?
Ibn-Mukar: Speak again, Al-Einart.
Leinart: I don't feel we lost. We're better.
Ibn Mukar: Say again, infidel: you believe that you are better even though the result says you are deficient? You believe you are superior, against all evidence and reason? You have decided to create your own reality irrespective of the real world?
Leinart: You got it, bro. That's what I'm saying.
Al-Haziz: Al-Einart, are you sure you are not Muslim?