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Shallow Observations on a Shallow Pool of Presidential Candidates

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Here we are. My goodness how four years can fly by when we're watching our country's bravest have their limbs blown off in the effort of providing a democracy to a bunch primitive fuckers who don't want it, much less deserve it. It's time for the Republicans to race each other to see who is the most god-fearing, and time for the democrats to dumbly roll out a litany of over-hyped sitting senators that will rage against the tyranny of things that they previously voted for. Immersing yourself in the daily keep up is like having someone stand on your balls. My evaluations are based on nothing
outside of my own crass observations. I'm not going to cover the entire lineup, because it would be boring. My analysis is shallow, rude and should never be taken seriously. Never absorb political advice from a grown man who voluntarily refers to himself as "Chooky" on the internet. For instance, I know nothing of Mike Huckabee, except that he's a minister from Arkansas and a candidate worthy of analysis, therefore, I won't be analyzing him.

So, while these mannequins are out there tediously planning the next photo of themselves wearing a hard hat or posing with a shotgun in their hand, let's embrace the simplicity of mocking them.

 height=Rudy Guliani
The current, double digit leader of presidential candidates for the Grand Old Party is pro-choice, once roomed with homosexuals, has been photographed in a dress, encouraged gun control and rivals Elizabeth Taylor in betrothals. Well punch me in the face and call me Margaret. These are strange days.

Rudy's name for president was tossed around after he displayed remarkable organizational skills and leadership following the chaos of 9-11. If it were up to him, that's all we'd talk about.

Guliani's ego will never allow him to understand what Mario Cuomo always understood. And that is that outside of the northeast, he'll mostly be considered as nothing more than another shifty Vinnie. Don't kill the messenger. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is.

I can't see Guliani maintaining this lead. Fred Thompson is his key opponent and he has yet to even officially enter the race. Rudy needs to get a 9-11 tribute tattoo on his forehead to further advance his strength. While he takes unfair criticism for being a one trick pony, his crisp organization and soothing demeanor throughout the days following 9-11 was quite remarkable. I don't think we would've seen as many bloated, sun-baked bodies on car hoods and rooftops if Rudy were running shit when Katrina hit. If I ever need blood, fresh water, food and helicopters deployed I'd speed dial Rudy. The phrase "You did a heckeva job, Rudy" probably wouldn't have raised any eyebrows at all. Is that enough to be president? Well, when I look back at the last eight years and scan the current options of maximum staleness, maybe.

Fashion wise, I don't think those pumps are going to compliment those hardcore conservative values.

Mitt Romney
That's his real first name and he's brimming with the smart version of Rick Perry pretty, genetically inclined with a game show host's ability to be photo friendly. This is important because, when it comes to the leader of the free world, Americans are reluctant to vote for a thoroughly ugly motherfucker. That statement is the anti-channel of Dennis Kucinich and Phil Gramm.

He started out with a bang by winning the Ames Straw Poll. That's big-time, except when you consider that Guliani and McCain didn't participate. height=

Romney is becoming visibly agitated with the verbal devolution of his religion. His impatience with these blind cast comments will eventually evoke a vitriolic response so profane that it will jeopardize his entire campaign. How much of that shit could you take? He will be as good as done when it happens, but I'll like him better for it. I'm eagerly waiting for him to go Alec Baldwin in Glegarry Glen Ross: "Fuck you! That's my name. You can't play in a man's game."

Mitt is also becoming exceedingly pissed off about the public's inability to swallow the fact that he changed his mind on abortion. Apparently he's pro life when Republican primaries roll around. That dross might pass in Massachusetts, but it will likely spell doom in the south. Yes, they can spell in the south, asshole. Either way, Brigham ways and abortion aren't going to fly with conservatives beyond the land of chowder and torturous union politics.

Romney has the exterior tools, but underlings at the RNC are currently being angrily swatted and poked at with rolled up, recycled copies of old subpoenas for their frustratingly excusable inability to find an industrial strength soap appropriately strapping enough to wash away the Latter-day Saints. Just kidding, Republicans don't recycle paper.

 height=John McCain
Let's start with the fact that he's undeniably a badass. What else would the son and grandson of Navy admirals be? He asked to serve in Vietnam. After a ghastly inferno nearly took his life – and did take the life of 134 other men – on the USS Forrestal he was later shot down while flying his 25th bombing mission. He spent the next six years in the Hanoi Hilton. After that? Well, he reinstated his flight status.

McCain's campaign is desperately low on funds, which isn't surprising considering his history of "not playing ball." McCain staffers might be selling oranges or holding bake sales right now.

Senator McCain seems tired these days – perhaps haggard with the whole experience of Washington. The guy saw more life at the age of 25 than the entire executive branch has seen combined.

Outside of initiating dialogue and defining portions of the national debate, the next big news from the McCain camp will be when they decide to pull out of the race.

 height=Sam Brownback
The devout Catholic, sitting senator and former Secretary of Agriculture in Kansas is probably far too human to be President of the United States. Sam Brownback's name, is always, and always will be, followed by callous clichés about his religion. His candidacy will never demand the depth of curiosity that stretches beyond the lemming-like sense of urgency to label him as a maniacal extremist, which, unfortunately for Brownback fans, he is. He genuinely resents what he views as "evils" on the culture. He will never be considered as anything but a fringe candidate outside of Kansas, which is practically the Protestant version of Islam. I'd rather be kidnapped in Nuevo Laredo or Baghdad and have my fate decided by their whimsical agenda than be tried for anything in front of a jury box packed with devoted Brownback constituents. Those people would scrub the yellow brick road with your ass. They'd lock you up in Oz and throw away the "faggoty" music that accompanies it.

Senator Brownback introduced the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act. President Bush promptly signed it to law in order to protect the country from various perils, such as Janet Jackson's lusciously plump and creamy mocha miracle of a jug. That magnificent, mouthwatering, perfectly spherical mound of deliciousness launched the nation into a commotion noisier than the hole that barks underneath Stephen A. Smith's not so delicious, but equally as large forehead. Anyway, Brownback stopped that elegant booby in its tracks. Thank God?

Old school democrats, the ones that get labeled "pinkish" for their fervency of the labor class, should recognize that Brownback was a co-sponsor of the New Homestead Act, which could possibly be the biggest rural and little guy benefit since Willie Nelson took bong rips and performed at Farm Aid.

Moderates and liberals who dismiss Brownback as some kind of fundamentalist jackhammer, which he is, should think twice about totally dismissing him from their radar. He was adamant about denouncing President Bush's breach of liberty with warrantless eavesdropping. The Kansan parlays his ardent pro-life stance into the active pursuit of human rights abroad. His faith is likely what leads him to believe that it's our moral obligation to suffocate rude shit like genocide in Darfur. The man has been there. He frequently speaks of the experience with genuinely anguished retrospect. While he doesn't specify what he believes our role should be when responding to atrocity abroad, he has encouraged states to divest funds from companies that aid the shithole that calls itself Sudan. I get a warm feeling when I visualize Sam taking President Umar al-Bashir to a stagnant Kansas stock tank for an unorthodox, ten minute baptism.

The leading Democratic candidate doesn't mention Darfur on her campaign website. Fucking neoconnette.

Out of all the candidates on either side of the aisle, Sam Brownback is one of the few who strikes the posture of an actual person. However, his eagerness to legislate morality combined with his emanation of intense piety is a turnoff to most voters. He's a warm guy, but the fear of having to purchase rubbers from the same guy who can get you an 8-ball of coke and some acid is just creepy. On his website, under the "Culture and Values" bullet point, the first words read: "We must clean up America's culture, beginning in every home." Every home, Sam? Americans, by a just and innate sense of entitlement, resist inculcation, even when they don't know they are doing so.

The Brownback express just threw a wad of loot at Iowa and came in third. Once again, Senator McCain and Rudy Guliani didn't participate in the straw poll. The Brownback camp will consider third somewhat of a victory, but I'd bet ten fossilized dinosaur eggs that that he gets passed up by Tom Tancredo.

Sam Brownback: relentlessly dedicated to his sense of decorum, uncompromising about his religion, and deadly fucking serious about demanding that America dutifully follow his social mores, yet he's still funnier than Carlos Mencia.

Ron Paul
U.S. Representative of the 14th district of Texas, served as a flight surgeon in the Air force. As a specialist in obstetrics/gynecology, he's seen far more pussy than you. He voted against the Patriot Act and the war in Iraq. He's an interesting dude. He's not going to win.

Tom Tancredo
He walks upright, and, thus far, has not adopted the slogan "Tancredo is Neato." There is a long way to go, though.

Hillary Clinton will win the democratic nomination. Barrack will distantly threaten, but he'll never come within 5 points. So, I'm only going to evaluate the frontrunner, and the silliest democrat of all, Joe Biden. I would digress, but that's for unoriginal, pompous assholes.

 height=Hillary Rodham Clinton
Senator Clinton will continue to lead the democratic primaries with a ten to fifteen point lead. She'll accept the nomination with poise and confidence. She'll bankroll even more ungodly amounts of money. She'll stroll with a seemingly unstoppable and positive momentum. She will ride this momentous tide to the general election. She will be a breathing figure that is on the cusp of an epic portion of American history … and then she will be flogged like a filthy, three-legged mule.

Democrats will resent and mock her in front of her icy face.

This rejection from the American people will be her first and it will take an ugly toll on her one-tract psyche. It will cause her to age more rapidly and descend into a foggy spiral. She'll become bitter and mean-spirited. She will start drinking gin in the morning instead of coffee. She will suffer from instant ataxia and menstruate through her ears. She will drown dogs and throw babies into dumpsters, but not before she sabotages and ruins the lives of those close to her.
She'll start with Chelsea and work her way down. Bill will be fine. Her only source of service will be donating the tendons in her ankles to support decrepit bridges across the nation. Even after that generous contribution, she will be forgotten.

Or she might win. Who knows? There's something about bright, successful, educated and competent women with limitless ambition that scares the shit out of old, pot-bellied white people. When she loses the general election she will be a staple in Congress by being elected as many times as she wants in New York. At her worst moments, she will always find solace in the fact that she's not Charles Schumer.

 height=Joe Biden
Joe Biden is as appealing as an abscessed goiter. What the fuck are you doing here, Joe? When will you leave us alone? You're about as significant as Al Sharpton and you both have similar hair. Stop all of this. You're not fooling anyone with that poor man's Michael Douglas mop. No matter how big a slab of that bristle you wipe from your forehead to your neck, you'll never hide that yawning, self-adoring, prick spot.

The candidates will have to vigorously fight it out in the primaries while also remaining ambiguous on hot-button social issues. In order to make it out of the primaries, you have to flog your opponent for being ambiguous and find a way to remain ambiguous. At this juncture, it's all about selling a story. The tiny truths that lie between the gaps should be avoided while the general story should always be peddled; stick to the key words and the overall front. Sure, it's lame, but don't be afraid to follow this tested path, we've come to expect it, and somewhat, we're beginning to like it. So stick to the script. We know that the truths are there, but we are all guilty of voluntarily ignoring them if you represent the party that is most inclined to our ideology. It's the story about the journey that intrigues us. I guess. We all accept the fact that King Kong never threw his feces or masturbated out of frustration, like a normal monkey. It certainly wouldn't have been necessary to the plot and nobody enjoys it when primates get random erections, except for maybe Mark Foley.

Get emotional, but not too much, damnit. Don't go "eeeyyyaaargh!" or poke your little head out of a tank, looking like some kind of goofy, helmet-adorning Whack-a-Mole. You're on the big stage now. Victory, the end of your career and the chance that your surname will forever be associated with humility and failure are all right around the corner. Now get out and there and be dull, you slithering punks.

Reporter
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