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Games I'll watch this weekend.

Oklahoma State at Georgia

I've hated Marc Richt ever since he channeled his inner George McClellan in coming up with the offensive game plan against OU in the 2001 Orange Bowl. How bad was it? It was so bad that afterward Bobby Bowden thought to himself, "Hell, a retard could have come up with that shit" then promptly hired his son Jeff. And Richt spells 'Mark' with a 'c.'

I've learned from watching Georgia the last two seasons that their receivers can't catch, they have 10 running backs who are always hurt and QB Matt Stafford is a John Elway-Jared Lorenzen hybrid who can hit a Sig Ep with a Heineken at 80 yards. Their field has hedges and a bulldog that is allowed to attack Auburn players doing 'the running man.'


Tennessee at Cal

Phil Fulmer is no brighter than he looks, but he was smart enough to hire two great coordinators and feed them talent. Best move he ever made was trading Brent Schaeffer and a couple of old Confederate uniforms to Ole Miss in exchange for David Cutcliffe. The Rebels replaced Cutcliffe with Ed Orgeron. Was John Blake unavailable or something?

Starting QB Eric Ainge has a broken pinkie on his throwing hand. If he can't go, sophomore Jonathan Crompton will take his place.

How will Tennessee players and fans react to the nearest Stuckey's being over 1,000 miles away?

Jeff Tedford is Cal football. His pictures crowd the public spaces around Berkeley. His playbook consists of a series of John Yoo memos giving him the power to detain and torture any QB who tries to call an audible. Harry Belafonte appears alongside him at press conferences, and he has nationalized the cafeteria for his own use. He publicly referred to Tennessee's cornerbacks as Quemoy and Matsu and vows to attack them.

FSU and Clemson

Tim Nunez. Mark McHale. I've learned that you don't hire Marshall's offensive line coach. Athletic directors will eventually learn that you don't hire any Bowden other than Bobby. He is the only talent of his family, and the rest are just getting by on the family name. See Baldwin, Alec.

Bowden made some great hires over the offseason. He brought back former assistant Chuck Amato when NC State boosters tired of paying him for protection. Bowden will unleash him in Dade County where his track suit, gold chains and sunglasses are considered recruiting assets.

"They send one of yours to the training room, you send one of theirs to the morgue!"

The father/son angle no longer holds my attention. Make it interesting, ESPN. Instead of showing Ann Bowden in the stands 20 times, cut to some security camera footage of Terry Bowden banging an Auburn coed on his desk. Have Steve Spurrier dress up as Darth Vader, cut off Tommy Bowden's hand with a lightsaber and then stand over him screaming 'Who's your daddy?!'

Georgia Tech at Notre Dame

How does Jon Tenuta field such impressive defenses while playing that god damn accordion? The good news on offense is that Reggie Ball is gone. The bad news is Chan Gailey is not, and his reputation as an offensive guru is running on fumes right now.

Who will start at quarterback for Notre Dame? Who cares. Until Notre Dame figures out that cornerbacks should not be required to know calculus, their defense will remain in purgatory. Seriously, the Church should refuse communion to Charlie Weis everytime he signs a practicing Catholic in his back seven. Stick to players who are members of churches with either 'Missionary Baptist' or 'Mt. Zion' in their name.

North Texas at OU

Some Texas fans are already clamoring for Todd Dodge to replace Mack Brown when he retires. Slow down there, Gerry Faust. Let's see how he does against players with recovery speed first.