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Breakdown: Texas vs. UCF

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A terrible win against a mediocre team.

Play of the game - Who gives a crap.

Player of the Game - UCF's running back.

Least Valuable Contribution: Group award, awarded to the Linebackers. Congrats, men!

UNIT GRADES

Quarterbacks - Amazing. This is the Colt we all expected to see. 13/14, about 100 yards. He is in absolute control of this game . . . well, OK, but you couldn't expect him to keep the pace, because it's . . . OK, fuck you Colt, dammit. You are allowed throw standing still, you know. Two owls for you.

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Running Backs - Fine. He fumbled a lot.

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Receivers - Nate Jones and Quan Cosby played really well. Again. Limas was out hurt, so I thought Pittman would step up finally, but, again, nothing. I say we bench him.

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Offensive Line - Sucked in the run game. Pass protection was fine, Colt made them look worse than they were because he held onto the ball too long.

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Defensive Line - How can you tell? Even when they do their jobs the LBs mess everything up.  Pass lush was velly velly good.

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Linebackers - Worst. Game. Evar. 11 total tackles, 15 total Mack Claps. My friends were playing the Mack Clap drinking game. One is in the ER right now thanks to Robert Killabrew.
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Secondary - Marcus Griffin took bad angles, Eric Foreman Jackson stunk, Brandon Foster let guys get wide open on long yardage situations. All in all, your average week from the secondary.

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Coaching - Well, I thought we found an offensive identity. Throw short to complement the run game and go for home runs when the defense gives them to us. But I guess the plan was just to throw short this week because we never adjusted when UCF starting jumping the short stuff. We threw a few deep balls but were both incomplete. We should've not shied away from that. On defense, who the hell knows how well we schemed. But F for teaching the LBs, and F for keeping Muck and Norton on the bench for those clowns.

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AWARDS

The Casey Hampton Award for Defensive Excellence - Frank Okam or some shit. Who even knows.

The Eric Hall Award for Offensive Defense - Most of them.

The Vince Young Award for Offensive Excellence - Quan Cosby.

The Matt Anderson Award for Offensive Offense - Colt.

The Colt McCoy Award for Best Current QB on Team - An armband Vince Young left here when he graduated.
The Selvin Young Award for Upperclassman Favoritism - Killabrew.

The Tim McCarver Idiot Rambler Award - I watched this game in a loud bar, so this award goes to the Screamin' Mexican guy that was behind us:

"AWWW THAT WAS A CATCH!"

It clearly wasn't, hombre. Clearly. Shut up and drink your beer.