Boys of Troy
The handsome crooner, Nick Lachey, was seen quickly barreling through camera flashes at San Francisco International Airport. The disheveled and trembling pop star was visibly distraught by the way Arizona Cardinals quarterback, Matt Leinart, intentionally defamed him on national television.
Leinart, the tenth
round overall draft pick from Southern California, floundered with a 14 of 28 performance against the meek San Francisco 49ers. The alluring quarterback that once showed promise had one touchdown pass and two interceptions while simultaneously tearing down Lachey’s entire career.
The 49ers did all they could to bring Leinart’s destructive rampage on Lachey’s reputation to cessation, but the Cardinal’s quarterback would not be stopped. "It’s like he was possessed. Nothing my teammates or I did could stop his senseless murder of Nick’s image," said San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith. "Personally, I did all I could do, but it just wasn’t bad enough to stop him. Hell, even Frank Gore went out of his way to help him."
San Francisco running back, Frank Gore, with tears in his eyes, stated: "It was like sinking in quicksand. No matter how much we struggled and sucked, Matt would just go out there and be worse. At this point I can only hope that it was just a bad dream."
Lachey was later reached and was able to comment after acupuncture and chemical sedation at the Le Petite Retreat day spa in Los Angeles.
"His behavior and demeanor have spiraled out of control," said the charismatic Lachey. "It’s really troubling. I’m worried about him, even though he has clearly gone out of his way to hurt me, but it’s time I move on. I’m totally expecting to see photos of him drunk and exposing his vagina and shit. This business is cruel. I wish I could help him, but for obvious PR reasons, I’m moving on to more stable friends with whom I can share photo ops – guys less erratic, like Todd Bridges and Tom Sizemore. I’m totally all just like ‘whoa,’ you know? I guess he could be charged with arson or something. On a day such as today, I can’t think of a greater tragedy."
Other people around the country were asked to comment on Matt Leinart’s lewd cruelty:
"He ruined my life." – Anquan Boldin
"His presence has left a grim stain on this entire city." -- Barry Bonds
"I don’t know who you’re speaking of." – Pete Carroll
"Shouldn’t ‘I’ come before ‘E’ except after ‘C’? I don’t get it. Shouldn’t we be saying ‘Laynart?’ What a fag." --Skip Bayless
"I think he’s pretty cool." -- Todd Marinovich
"Yeah, I think he’s cool too." -- Akili Smith
"I don’t recall." -- Alberto Gonzales
"I was all … like … what? And he was all like … blah." Ashlee Simpson
"Matt Leinart’s egregious and intentional defamatory methods are horrifying. He’s a disgusting sociopath with a most malicious nature. His hideous performance, monstrous antics and calculated affronts on my ex-husband’s reputation are unforgivable. His entire performance was much like my father’s hair, just evil and wrong by design. I look forward to his punishment. Personally I hope he has his nuts run through a cheese grater, or that he has to listen to my sister’s music." -- Jessica Simpson
"We fear that the end result could be in the form of a mushroom cloud." -- Fox News
The tragedy at Candlestick/3Com/Dancin’ Hands/San Francisco Stadium/Babylon/Monster Park has resulted in other residual chaos. Thousands of disease-ridden stray dogs from the west coast have descended on the field to roll and grovel in the pungent stench left behind from Leinart’s performance.
Congresswoman, Nancy Pelosi, (D) from the eighth district, released a written statement: "As a resident and representative of this fine city, I take solace in knowing that together, as a nation, we can grieve. Sometimes the worst aspects of the world have a way of drawing us all together, regardless of race, gender, sexuality or ideology. We embrace the sympathy and support of the world, for it could be decades before Nick Lachey and this city fully recover from Matt Leinart’s Monday Night performance. What an asshole."