clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Hostages Taken at Clinton Headquarters

Rochester, N.H. -- An embarrasingly lightweight drunk, Leeland Eisenburg, 47, entered the Rochester headquarters of the Hillary Clinton campaign with road flares, a Cornish game hen, a package of hot dogs and AA batteries strapped to his chest. The Somersworth, N.H. resident insisted that the desultory assortment fastened to his torso was a bomb and was positive his behavior would be an infallible method for acquiring a face to face discussion with the democratic frontrunner.

Eisenberg entered the office front and exposed the various objects on his chest and said, "This is the bomb." When confronted by a puzzled campaign volunteer, and questioned about the comical components of the bomb, he responded by making absurd demands and assuring them that, "yep, it’s the bomb. I’m the bomb," and then held the entire staff hostage.

The unremarkable event was resolved peacefully as Eisenburg gradually released hostages and eventually surrendered to the New Hampshire SWAT team.

After the ridiculous Eisenburg was arrested, Rochester Police Chief David Dubois stated: "Right naw we just wanna focus on da safety of eveibuddies. We also wanna tank the suppewt of aw law agencies invawved. They wuh wicked efficient. Dat’s wut’s impewtant right naw. We can discuss o’da possible criminah chodges tomorrah."

The perishable and hilarious bomb that was trussed to Eisenburg’s chest was later detonated by a visibly irritated police robot that shrugged its shoulders and shook its head as it rolled back to its trailer.

Political pundits across the country pondered how the fugacious episode would stimulate the polls and whether or not Eisenburg could out drink Michelle Malkin. Ann Coulter was asked to respond on the Fox News program, Hannity and Colmes, but was hastily rushed to commercial when Coulter began the segment by saying nothing, unhinging her jaw to swallow a house pet that belonged to a 9-11 widow while simultaneously hiking her designer evening gown to urinate on a photograph of Geraldine Ferraro.

CNN interviewed a panel of expert criminal profilers who collectively concluded that Eisenburg is likely emotionally unstable. Wolf Blitzer, if that’s even his real name, agreed with the profilers after cautious investigation.

An A.P. reporter sought a response from William F. Buckley, Jr., but was slapped on the ear for interrupting him while he was busily engaged with a bottle of Chivas Regal and being smart.

Hillary Clinton publicly praised the professionalism and patience of New Hampshire’s law enforcement for defusing the dumb spectacle. She reported that the disturbance wouldn’t deter her campaign schedule and sighed with an expression of sullen relief that might or might not have been rehearsed.