clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Ass Menagerie

"Don't blame the American people! Blame the Democratic Party leadership. Terry McAuliffe is an idiot." -- Zack Exley, 2002

"I ought to be left alone; I'm not doing money anymore. I'm not involved in any campaigns. My wife and I decided I don’t want to do it anymore." -- Terry McAuliffe during federal inquiries, 2000

"… in 2000, we had a devastating loss. This party was demoralized in 2001, people were madder than heck at the party. 'Why did we allow this to happen?' and 'Why didn't we fight harder?' . . . We went through a very tough time in 2002 after the midterm election." -- Terry McAuliffe, 2002

"Thanks to Terry McAuliffe, we are ready to lead this country, we're ready to change this nation and I thank him for his leadership." -- Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.), at the Democratic Convention, Boston, 2004

Do you detect an odd pattern there?

We can only hope that the languid, bloated, limp-wristed cowards that dominate the right wing media have enough savvy and gravitas to twist the proper torsion necessary to truly unveil the oily vileness that seeps from the pores of the Clinton Institution. If you’ve ever been masochistic enough to endure more than eight minutes of Sean Hannnity or more than six hundred sixty six minutes of Rush Limbaugh you’d know that they do not. They never have.

Bill Clinton managed to expand federal wiretaps, deny states federal money, not to mention the dreamy notion of independence, by refusing to grant federal funds if they didn’t lower their drunk count to an innocuous .08. He even got his crusted member salivated upon all the way to a second term. He did that on their watch. The lessons they learned were that squinty eyes, overt finger gestures, stomach surgeries, mousy lawyers and an edacious thirst for Liza Minelli and Elizabeth Taylor’s drug of choice was not near manly enough to stop that runaway semen train.

At least Timothy Leary was leathery enough to drop acid. Hell, even Judy Garland was cowboy enough to drain her pharmaceuticals with gin or whiskey. Somewhere, out there, even Kate Moss is questioning the intestinal fortitude of Limbaugh, giggling about his stomach surgery and wondering how anyone could acquire such a pussyish addiction.

The focus of the feces-flinging world of talk radio and screeching cable news hosts usually narrowly scoped their indignant dialogue to the death of Arkansas lawyer, Vince Foster, or the sperm stains on fichus and dresses designed for the big and tall.

Why? Why was it so hard to stifle the liquid ambition of the Clinton era? The tempting but wrong answer to that question is that the Clintons were just too smart. The Clinton’s go to guy, Terry McAuliffe, then orchestrator of illegal campaign funds, later corrupt DNC chairman and fleecer of labor union dues and now hilarious strategy foreman who expanded his folly far enough to adorn the desk plate of Clinton Campaign chairman, has flaunted his almost Mardi Gras flamboyance of ignorance without so much as a warning shot over the bough from any ideologically-based medium. Where is the deserved venom for such a mindless, yet powerful and sycophant asshole like Terry McAuliffe? The "liberal media" are as much to blame as the power base of conservative tin horns that can’t seem to quarantine John McCain, handle their meds or pull off a simple burglary even with the backing of Nixon’s federal agents. I know, I’m supposed to lend an ominous respect to G. Gordon Liddy as some kind of cloak and dagger genius, even though he couldn’t organize a group of clandestine agents to snake some documents from his hometown without looking like a drunken teenager stealing his neighbor’s car stereo. The piano wire is not for flossing, Gordon.

Even Clinton opponents within the Democratic Party remain confounded on how to pry themselves from the resilient seminal net that the Clintons sprayed upon them.

To the credit of the press corps, even if you devoted an entire cable show devoted to spelling out the improprieties of Terry McAuliffe, it would be difficult to sum them up accurately within a year.

In an effort to keep this article smaller than ‘The Sopranos’ series, I’ll provide a gist of what that greedy, penis sheathe, Terry McAuliffe, has done.

WASHINGTON POST, JANUARY 12, 1998: McAuliffe, the premier Democratic fund-raiser of the decade, has spent much of the past 12 months dealing with hostile Republican investigators, federal prosecutors and adverse news stories. He has emerged as a key, but enigmatic, figure in two overlapping federal investigations: the broadening inquiry into illegal fund-raising on the part of the Teamsters union conducted by the U.S. Attorney's Office in New York, and the Justice Department's investigation into alleged 1995-96 Democratic presidential fund-raising abuses. In addition, the U.S. Attorney's Office in the District of Columbia investigated McAuliffe's role in the award of a $160.5 million federal lease, but decided against bringing criminal charges. . . McAuliffe has given depositions to federal prosecutors and congressional investigators, but he has not been called to testify publicly, and he has not been charged with any crime.... McAuliffe's success has come from his knack for being in the middle of a deal while maintaining a critical distance. For almost 17 years - as broker, lawyer, promoter and facilitator - McAuliffe had estimated with uncanny precision the sustainable distance between contributor and candidate, as well as between seller and buyer.

ASSOCIATED PRESS, 1999: The Labor Department is suing two union officials alleging they invested pension funds in "imprudent" deals with companies owned by a top fund-raiser for President Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton. Terence McAuliffe, the fund-raiser who recently offered to help the Clintons purchase a home in New York, is not a defendant in the lawsuit. The Labor Department regulates those who manage workers' pensions, not those who do business with such funds. The lawsuit says that in one instance McAuliffe made $2.45 million on a deal in which the fund bought him out of a real estate partnership. He had invested $100, the pension fund $39 million .... The department alleges the pension fund lost money as a result of a loan and a partnership deal that comprised more than $47 million in investments with McAuliffe's companies. Tax records show the fund didn't receive all the principal and interest due under the loan.

WALL STREET JOURNAL: In his defense of the [Clinton house] loan, Mr. McAuliffe asks: What can Bill Clinton do for me? For starters, he could make it tough for the U.S. Attorney's office to get to the bottom of Mr. McAuliffe's oft-denied role in the sleazy 1996 "contributions swap" between the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and the Teamsters union .... What Terry McAuliffe did in essence is make a contribution to Hillary's campaign. Its whole purpose is to enable her to establish residence in New York, thus the money is absolutely essential to her campaign .... In the Hillary race, no McAuliffe "loan," no residency, no campaign. His contribution would seem to be more than $1,000.

Strategy wise, the Clinton Fist wallowed in a dumbness that delved deep enough that they actually touted Hillary’s mock New York residence and rogue senate seat and first lady duties as valid job experience for the presidency. How could an inexperienced freshman senator compare to those vitae? After all, as first lady she performed mostly ceremonial duties such as picking brunch themes, Christmas decorations and the promotion of a healthcare plan that was swatted like a wet, wingless fly. She supported a bogus war when the headwind of 9-11 projected a 70% approval rate for dead American soldiers in an effort to police and preempt a supposedly imminent attack from a nation that had seven canoes mounted with shotguns for a navy and a team of novice kite surfers for an air force. We should, however, respect her stern refusal to accept accountability while simultaneously denouncing the war when it plummeted to less than a 30% approval rate. What a gal. How is one to even attempt to topple the wisdom of that kind of well-oiled political machine? By my estimation, and I admit that the numbers are somewhat nebulous, she would rank at about 666% foul.

The only thing more shameful than the list of names that were, and were not, on Bill Clinton’s list of pardons is his last moment chess maneuver to wedge McAuliffe into the position of DNC chairman. Anyone seeking federal office as a democrat since 2001 was likely forced to do so by weaving through the test and confirmation of a Clintonite. When President Clinton left office he didn’t just leave with a firm grip on the Democratic Party, but the Clintons actually became the Democratic institution, controlling almost all spigots of cash flow.

What did this hijacking provide for the Democratic Party? In the 2002 mid terms the democrats left the battlefield after losing the house and the senate, leaving absolute control to republicans. The clownish leadership and direction of the Clinton/McAuliffe penumbra has been a heart-shaped box of chocolates for the RNC.

Did the democrats not hear Bill and Terry's whispered chant for "eight more years?" How did they allow that to happen?

Much attention was paid to the Kennedy's sparkling endorsement of Senator Obama, certainly a sign of a growing fissure within party ranks. The most telling sign, however, of resentment within the party was the endorsement of Obama from Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., and longtime ally of the Clintons.

McAuliffe took his flaccid leadership and stepped down as DNC chairman in 2005, retracting to concentrate his efforts on writing a book, building a record-breaking warchest for Senator Clinton's run for the presidency and not using union pension funds for corrupt investments. In the absence of that guidance, the democrats swept the house and senate in the midterm elections of 2006, while also gaining new governor seats.

The only existing entity that could fill the chasm between a fragmented Republican Party is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Based on the recent history of the Democratic Party, I’m certain that she’ll win the nomination. For the last eight years the democrats have insisted on showing up to the prom with their pants on backward.

If there was ever a marriage that could reverse the axis of a divided RNC to a united one, and a transitive divide within the DNC, it’s the unholy union of Bill, Hillary and Terence "McAuliffe" Clinton.

The fun never stops? Bullshit. The fun stopped a long time ago.