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An open letter to Will Muschamp

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Dear Will,

Congratulations on the new gig. You've gone from what may be one of the top five defensive coordinator positions in the SEC to one of the top five defensive coordinator positions in college football. If you do well and stay at least two years, you'll be able to turn your performance into a head coaching job. That's the power of Texas.

With great power there must also come great responsibility.

Stan Lee wrote that. Or was it Metternich? Anyway, I'm writing you this letter to give you some tips on succeeding at Texas. Don't worry. I'm from the Internet, and I'm here to help.

First, identify and play the best players. No shit, right? Welcome to Texas. If you get a chance, make a phone call to either Gene Chizik or Larry Macduff and ask them their thoughts on the subject of upperclassmen. You might be surprised. You've walked into an ideal situation though. The upperclassmen at this point are the best players. If Mack Brown or Duane Akina start talking about players who have bled for the program, throw them a box of Tampax.

Second, put the players in position to succeed. Dude, I'm just saying. Funny shit happens at Texas on the defensive side of the ball. Formerly sane coordinators have gotten to Texas and decided to experiment on the job. At one point I think Carl Reese flirted with the idea of putting a large wooden badger at MLB. When you're tempted to do crazy shit, just ask yourself one question. What would Nick do?

Third, make the players accountable. It hurt me to have to type that. If a guy blows an assignment, misses a tackle or gets a personal foul, let him know it. Immediately and publicly. If a players continues to blow assignments, miss tackles or get personal fouls, bench him. Don't ask for accountability. Demand it.

Fourth, bring some intensity to the job. We've all seen the clip of you calling the Razorback players motherfuckers, and they weren't even your rivals. I can't wait to hear what you call the Aggies and Sooners as they're way past 'motherfucker' on the Saffir-Simpson profanity scale. But you want to know what my favorite part of that clip is? When you told the player jogging off the field, "Get your ass going! You ain't hurt!." Toughness. I like it.

Finally, stop the spread. You're not in the SEC anymore so you're going to see a lot of creative offenses. And I'm using 'spread' in as generic a term as I can, encompassing everything from Texas Tech to Missouri. Kudos for holding Florida to 17 points each of the last two years. Now do it every week next year starting in Boulder on October 4th and ending in Lawrence on November 21st.

Sounds easy, right?