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Nasty Tricksy Coacheses

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The world can be divided into two camps: Those who divide the world into two camps, and those who don't. I'm in the latter group.

But that doesn't mean I can't make distinctions between those whom I'm not dividing into two camps. Take Longhorn Nation, for example. (WARNING: Gross over-generalizations ahead)

On one hand, you have a group that's perpetually infuriated with Mack Brown. Nothing he says or does is ever enough to overcome their cynicism over the man. Ryan Nunez running a bad route that one time against Iowa State, Ramonce Taylor's watch getting stuck on 4:20, Frank Okam having a strong interest in law school - they're just a few of the stark indicators of a program forever on the verge of going off the rails.

Let's call them the Ron Paul wing of Longhorn Nation.

Reporter
11/23/07 was an inside job!

On the other hand, you have the group of fans who are convinced that the Texas program is the sine qua non of college football, that Mack Brown is the infallible Pope of the gridiron. "Take Dead Aim"? St. Augustine wrote that, bitches. Worried about how consistently lackluster the linebacker play has been under four different defensive coordinators? You're a Commie. Have some concerns about how bipolar the offense has been under, um, one coordinator? You're gay. Worried about recent off-the-field incidents and our team's mediocre academic performance in general? You're probably an Aggy posting under an assumed name. Either that or you don't know college football. Longhorn Football rules, and I will beat your ass if you disagree.

Let's call them the Toby Keith wing of Longhorn Nation.

Reporter
Yes, I'm a Sooners fan in real life. Here, I'm a metaphor. Go with it, you
Marxist hippie America-hating Dixie Chicks fan.

Then you get people like me. I'm generally pretty pleased with the results on and off the field, even as I have some legitimate concerns at the margins.

Let's call us the Lukewarm Porridge wing of Longhorn Nation. We're just right.

Reporter
Already looking forward to our next bowl.

But every once in a while, I come across a quote from Mack Brown that nudges me ever so slightly towards starting up a snail mail newsletter that blames the Jews and the blacks for the demise of the Wishbone.

Something like this, via the DMN college sports blog.

"Greg (Davis), our offensive staff is a very fundamental staff - look complicated and be simple," Brown said. "Greg does a great job of getting the best players the ball. At the same time, people are more visual than ever before. We have more electronic gadgets than ever before. All the kids and fans if they want to can get on a video game and have all their trick plays. And fans like all that stuff.

"We're in the education business during the week and we're in the show business on the weekend. We need to win. We need to be physical. We need to be tough. We need to have fun, and we need to look good. That's part of entertaining people.

"Texas fans are hard to entertain sometimes, so we need to keep their attention. And kids love trick plays. We're going to run them consistently."

Reporter
We hates this quote

WTF? OMG! I have to text my Fave Five now!

To get the full effect, read the above in Mack's patented machine-gun nasal whine - don't take any breaths between sentences. Try to figure out when - if ever - his brain started yelling "STOP TALKING, MACK!"

I know I'm missing some context here - maybe he was joking around, maybe he said the entire bit with a smirk on his face. But he's said stuff like this before and been completely earnest.

So with sincerity as an assumption, this quote, and the attitude behind it, is dripping with condescension and quasi-marketing sleaze. Apparently Mack Brown sees us Texas fans as an unholy hybrid of Gossip Girl and Madden '08, insatiable in our appetites for something to wake us from our Philistine stupors, unable to react favorably except to the shiniest and flashiest of gimmicks and gadgets.

Reporter
How Mack sees a Texas tailgate

And what's more, he's announced that we're going to be running trick plays "consistently". Now, I'm hardly an X's and O's guy, but doesn't that kind of negate the "trick" part?

It does set up a nice little out for the future: See, Texas fans? You demanded we run two straight flea-flickers on 1st-and-goal from the 4. It's not our fault that Florida Atlantic linebacker picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown. It's yours, with your iPhones and Wiis and gold-plated Ritalin bottles.

Finally: Greg Davis' offense does not look "complicated". "Chaotic", sure. Not "complicated".

Ugh. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to dig out my Smith-Corona and start my 8-page double-sided single-spaced screed on how the Trilateral Commission held back Maurice Gordon for all those years.

Reporter
Look, Sugar Tits, I already explained this: Brett Robin was a
"third-down" "back" whose true loyalties lay with Israel