clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

We need another civil war

You can always tell what region a fast food chain was founded by checking what their default condiments are.

Mustard and japalenos? Corpus Christi, Motherfucking Texas. Mayonnaise and pickles? Boardman, Ohio. It's not that their taste is gross, which it is. I ate at a White Castle once (Columbus, Ohio) and instantaneously regurgitated that nasty, onion water infused soggy bullshit they dared to call a hamburger. But White Castle stays where it's wanted. You don't see them down here. Texans know how they like their burgers. We sent that crap packing.

That's why Arby's has crossed a line. Not only do they unroll an unholy combination of bland chicken, mayo and pickles, but they call that abortion an "express train to Satisfactiontown," in the commercial. I know, right? How offensive is that commercial to any southern-bred gentleman? I nearly dropped my mint julep onto my seersucker jacket!

But do you know what it's called? Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. Southern style! They unveil an abomination unto mankind with a chicken version of the vile White Castle catastrophe and then they blame it on us!

I can't stand it any longer. We already have a reputation here as hick ranchers, and hell, that might even be mostly true, but dammit we know how to cook our meat consarnit, and we know damn well not to ruin it with lard and vinegarlogged cucumbers. Texas invented the grill, the jalapeno, the flat hamburger patty, and french fries, which we took from those Euro-pussies and made our own. To insult our burger is to insult the very manhood of every red blooded citizen of this state.

So consider this a call to arms. Aggies boycott, Longhorns take action. I am planning an enormous assault on all city Arby's locations (with mustard gas, naturally), and I urge any Texan with even an ounce of culinary pride to join me in violently contesting this jihad against our way of life.

Yeah, I'm gonna waterboard a VP of marketing.

Burger Defense System