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The 50 best BBQ joints in Texas

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 height=According to Texas Monthly.

Picking your favorite BBQ place is like picking your favorite Billy Squier song. There are so many. But if you held a gun to my head, I could pick a solid top 5 and that's what Texas Monthly did.

No. 1: Lexington: Snow’s BBQ

I've never even heard of this place, but I love everything about it. The pitmaster is a 73 year old woman named Tootsie. They're only open on Saturdays, and when they do they open at 8am. Being able to acquire BBQ for breakfast is one of life's greatest pleasures. The Texas Monthly writers went apeshit over it even if they did turn me off by two of them ordering chicken. Ordering chicken at a BBQ joint is like reading BarkingCarnival because of Doperbo. Who does that? Nevertheless, I'm there.

 height=Top 5: Lockhart: Kreuz Market

BBQ requires dedication bordering on obsession, and their pit master (whom I discreetly refer to as the Mexican Elvis) has not taken a day of vacation in 21 years. I like to amuse myself by watching out of town people look for forks and sauce. They have the best prime rib around.

Top 5: Lockhart: Smitty’s Market

The best combination of heat, sweat and BBQ. I love walking through the door and feeling the heat off the pits. If I'm not sweating by the time I order, I feel cheated.

Top 5: Luling: City Market

My soprano girlfriend goes to the Victoria Bach Festival once a year, and she passes through Luling. On being informed of her good fortune by me, she said she would stop on the way back and bring me some BBQ.

So she calls me:

"There are two BBQ places here. Which one do you want me to go to again?"

"Which one has the line?"

"Ahh."

 height=Top 5: Taylor: Louie Mueller

When I die, I don't want to be buried. I want to be coated in Louie Mueller's salt and black pepper rub and then cremated.

Damn it's good living in central Texas.

My favorite 'unknown' BBQ joint is in La Coste. Where? Exactly. I'm not going to tell you what it's called. Shit, I don't even know what it's called. I just know how to find it. The guy who runs it normally processes deer, but he makes BBQ out of deer season. Great fall off the bone pork ribs and brisket. He also makes the best dry sausage.