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Bayou Bowl Half-Ass Recap

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 height=Without much on the tube this offseason, I appeased my football appetite somewhat by settling on the Bayou Bowl last night between the Texas (from here on out to be referred to as "TX") and Louisiana (from here on out to be referred to as "LA") all stars. I didn’t start watching until 5 minutes left in the 1st quarter. I wasn’t planning on keeping a diary or anything, but after the first interview, in Bill Simmons fashion, I scrambled for a pen and notepad. DVR gets my vote for technological enhancement of the decade. This may suck, but here’s what I got:

- Scored tied at 7-7 with 5 minutes to go in the 1st quarter. OSU signee Johnny Thomas from LaMarque has just halted a LA drive with an interception and 58 yard return into TX territory.

- Patti Smith is our sideline reporter tonight and she's borrowed a hot pink baseball cap and polo shirt from the wardrobe of the 1993 Region 1 Tennis Champion. She's interviewing Johnny Thomas on the sideline, who passes the eyeball test as a well-conditioned athlete.

- As the interview progresses, it's obvious Johnny received a qualifying test score for admission into Okie State by beating Dez Bryant in a spelling bee. Patti sets this one up nicely. She asks Johnny where he got his moves on the return, and Johnny assures us of his offensive skills from playing RB in high school. Patti adds that she read in his bio that Johnny moved 27 times and attended 16 different schools, so she thought he might have got them from moving around so much. One can only assume Johnny's parents are hunter/gatherers. Nice work, Patti.

- QB Jeremiah McGinty of Cy Falls goes 4-4 for 35 yards and a TD to put TX up 14-7. He appears to have a pretty decent arm.

- Corey Lewis of Forest Brook is a RB, who is playing LB in this game. He makes 2 nice TFLs in a row and LA punts. I can't find him in the Rivals DB anywhere, but he looks to have a nice frame and sufficient speed.

- The 2nd Qtr opens with our first introduction to Brent Bunson of game sponsor, Balfour Company, presenting a ring for some kind of award to TX QB Colin Baker. Bunson has douchebag written all over him, and makes some awkward comment to Baker about how he doesn't want to give this ring to his girlfriend. Patti takes over and comments that Baker is committed to Colorado. Baker answers, "Yes mam, the Colorado School of Mines." After the awkward silence, Patti rebounds by asking him what he thinks about the ring. Baker admits that the ring is "so indescribeable he can't begin to speak about it." He can't imagine how much ass this ring will get him at Colorado School of Mines this fall.

- A&M signee DT Rod Davis blows up a QB draw.

- UTEP signee DE Bernard Obi of Pearland gets a sack to force the punt. Obi has been all over the field.

- QB Braden Smith of Rockwall (SMU) can't get things going and TX punts. I saw this guy almost knock off Southlake last year and I think he might actually do well under June Jones. He throws well on the run and throws a pretty nice deep ball as well. Just a little undersized, though.

- TX defense dominates the LA possession. DE Marcus Malbrough of Westbrook (Mizzou) records a TFL and batted ball on a screen pass. Malbrough is about 6'5", 220 lbs and looks like he could put on weight. However, he's awkwardly built when compared to A&M signee DE Blake Chavis, who is about the same size. Chavis shows some nice speed in recording back-to-back sacks, and forcing a punt.

- Halftime, TX up 14-7, after quick scoring drives to start the game, things have settled down and the DEs for TX are dominating the game.

- Patti interviews Dick Olin, the director of the Bayou Bowl, who needs some polish before his political campaign for State Representative. When reviewing the activities of the week, Olin states that a LA kid told him that all they eat is fried chicken and BBQ, and then asked him, "What do Mexicans eat?" Olin answered, "Well, you're about to find out." Olin adds that they took the players on many activities this week, including a trip to Schlitterbaun Water Park, which was an interesting experience since most of the kids had never been swimming. Wow, Dick.

- Patti moves on to interview Dr. John P. Higgins of Memorial Herman Sports Medicine. Dr. Higgins discusses how they are working to diagnose pre-existing heart conditions in youths to prevent heart failure in sports related conditioning activities. Their goal is to take equipment to all the Houston schools and screen all 12 year old children at some point. The irony thickens as we then flash to a scene at the hospital where the camera focuses in on a sign that reads, "Roger Clemens Institute for Sports Medicine and Human Development." No shit. Then, we get a scene of a 12 year old boy lying in a hospital bed hooked up to an HGH IV.

- 3rd Qtr, LA ball. Chavis cleans up after a fumbled snap. DB Brodrick Brown (OSU) has a hit on a pass to the flat and then follows up by snooping out a jailbreak screen to force the punt.

- Another 8 yard punt by the LA kicker, a couple of nice runs by TX RB Shane Turner (Rice), and TX has the ball on the LA 10. Drive stalls and they settle for the field goal. TX up 17-7.

- I never knew Baytown was such a resort destination.

- Red Raider highlight, a flashback to the 2004 Bayou Bowl features the performance of Danny Amendola in leading TX to a victory. God, I hope he makes the Cowboys.

- An LA teammate has to almost tackle his return counterpart to keep him from taking the ball out 9 yards deep of the end zone on the kickoff. Somewhere, Ivory McCann disagrees.

- This Obi kid that signed with UTEP just keeps making plays, another TFL on a RB. LA punts.

- TX QB McGinty can't get anything done and TX punts back. The punter from Sealy is not too shabby. He's aguably been the difference in what has turned into a game of field position by out punting his LA counterpart. Well, that and Obi.

- LA ball, Chavis with another TFL. I'm impressed with him to a certain degree. Looks like the Ags snagged a nice player. Not so much Rod Davis. He has a tendency to stand straight up at the snap and proceed to get blown 3 yards off the ball.

- OSU Rhodes Scholar, Johnny Thomas, demolishes the LA QB short of the first down marker to force another 12 yard punt by LA. Surely, they could have found a better punter in LA to play in this game.

- Smith back at QB for TX, throws an interception and LA has the ball on their own 26.

- Obi again with a TFL. He's the best player on the field and will go Thomas Howard on Conference USA.

- Screen sets up nicely for LA on 3rd and long for a 1st down as we start the 4th quarter.

- 4th Qtr begins with another guest appearance from Brent Bunson of Balfour presenting a ring to LA player John Hinton. I can't accurately describe the trainwreck that happens next, but I'll do my best. Bunson asks Hinton if he has a girlfriend to which Hinton answers no. Bunson then offers to take Hinton over to set him up with some of the cheerleaders. Patti interrupts to notify Bunson that this is not "hook up time." Bunson performs the ring presentation, then attempts to persuade Hinton to go pick up cheerleaders with him again. Patti interrupts one more time to defuse the lawsuit waiting to happen by touting Mr. Bunson's singing abilities from his bio. Whoa, Bunson has taken over the mike and is now singing a George Strait song on the sideline. Brent is making love to the camera and hoping every 16 year old cheerleader in Southeast Texas is at home watching. Brent gets creepier by the second. Nice work again by Patti to bait this one.

- Back to the action, TX defense holds and forces LA punt. McGinty back at QB and gains two first downs on 3 completions, one of them a needle-threader showing again that he's got some nice arm strength. However, LA holds after that and forces a punt.

- Fight! Fight! Fight! A scuffle breaks out after the punt inolving approximately 10-15 players. Coaches and refs settle things down, but that had the potential to get ugly.

- Obi and Chavis collapse the pocket forcing LA QB to throw away.

- Oops! LA QB (his name is Randall Mackey and he signed with Ole Miss) gets time and hits the homerun on a 53 yard bomb to make the score 17-14 TX with 7:25 left in the 4th.

- Patti interviews Mackey on the sideline. Mackey speaks in some foreign dialect that can only be described as a cross between Creole and the tribe from The Gods Must Be Crazy. I couldn't make out a word of that.

- Smith back at QB, drive stalls, TX punts, LA ball at their own 15 with 3:29 to play in the 4th down by 3. We go to the LA coach's huddle on the sideline. The slip screen is on.

- Touchdown TX! DL Derek McGahee apparently was watching a TV on the sidelines and makes a great play to intercept the slip screen and take it in untouched making it 24-14 TX with 3:23 left. That looked like a Graham Harrell special. It's nice to know what it feels like to be on the other end of one of those.

- LA tries the starburst on the KO return. It resembles a Stooges' episode.

- Chavis with another sack. He and Obi are just too quick off the corners.

- Obi shoots out of a cannon for another sack, TX holds on 4th down, takes over with 1:28 left and runs out the clock. TX wins 24-14, now let's hope for some more of Brent Bunson in the post game. I really want to see him present a ring to Johnny Thomas.

- Olin presents MVP to Braden Smith of TX and Bud Patterson of LA.

- One last jewel by Patti. In her interview with Patterson, she points out that in his bio, his goal in life is to "stay out of jail." What an inspiring young representative of Louisiana.

- In my MVP award, Patti Smith slightly edges out TX DE Bernard Obi. While Patti doesn't possess the looks or fluidity of an Emily Jones, she is a gamer when it comes to scouring bios for the juicing tidbits we really want to know about not to mention her uncanny ability to set pedophile douchebags up for making an ass of themselves on regional TV.