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Irreligious Thorax Attack Mars Baylor Presser

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 4th, 2008 under Football

Taken from the Waco Light And Daily Shopper.

I’ll also paste the story as it is a paysite:

A disturbance initiated by a Baylor football player Monday left prominent Waco officials puzzled after the young man disrupted Baylor Bear media day at the International House of Pancakes at 4019 South I-35. The young man, JD Walton, a junior Baylor football player, threw a folding chair at and in around the thorax area of Baylor football coach Art Briles. The incident left Waco area citizens stunned and questions are still being raised as to the young man’s motivations.

Coach Art Briles, 52, suffered minor injuries. No one else was hurt seriously in the incident though shortly after the incident a patron demanded a refund saying that “this was definitely not the best crepe I have ever eaten.”

height=The outburst was triggered when new Baylor head coach Art Briles was discussing Baylor’s prospects for 2008 and his desire to run the program in a “Christ-centered way.” Witnesses said during Briles elaboration of what this meant junior offensive lineman JD Walton became enraged, driving his fist repeatedly into another patron’s pancakes and shouting. The man, Chase Wittingsley III of Highland Park, one of three Baylor alumni attending the event said Walton shouted, “Ain’t no one going to take JD’s job! JD play center for Baylor U! That skinny sonofabitch couldn’t reach block Roy Miller with Judas Iscariot double teamin’ at left guard! I gonna hit Coach in and around his thorax!”

Witnesses then say Walton rushed the stage while hurling a metal folding chair which struck Briles in and around the thorax area. Briles was not seriously injured as this was a Baylor lineman. Mr. Wittingsley has filed a civil grievance against Mr. Walton for the syrup damage to his Lacoste and mental anguish.

Sophomore defensive back Antareis Bryan confirmed the incident,”Coach Briles was talking about the importance of honoring God. He said Christ should be at the center in all that we do. A Christ-centered mission, a Christ-centered academic focus, a Christ-centered football program. Then JD went crazy. We weren’t sure why. Then I realized his misinterpretation of what Coach said. Seriously, that boy is dumb as hell. It staggers the mind.”

Freshman sensation QB Robert Griffin agreed with Bryan’s assessment. “Coach say we got to be with God and whatnot. I’m all, for sure. Then this big boy from Allen go crazy. Hit Coach Briles up and in around his thorax area with a chair. When chair hit Coach, I say Ooooo!”

Police officer Robert G. Mendroza was quick to the scene and lured Walton from the prostrate Briles with a trail of french toast to the parking lot where Walton was tasered, hog-tied, and violated with a batter-coated nightstick.

Briles has neglected to press charges, according to Mendroza.

Coach Briles has already moved on: “I spoke with JD not long after he hit me in and around the thorax area with the folding chair. I told JD that this wasn’t reflective of how a Baylor Football player conducts himself in our community and that his being a cracker from Allen was no defense for any of this. I’m from Stephenville and I lived in Pasadena. We’re talking saltine, ritz, wasa…name the cracker and I’ve been around it. But I’ve never seen anything like this. Freaking Metroplex”

Briles also sought to set the record straight on another matter: “Although it’s a misinterpretation of my point, for the record: Christ would be a phenomenal center. He wouldn’t blow any line calls, he’s rangy and quick like Dwight Stephenson, and he would give us the opportunity do some things in the trap game with his mobility. Also, he would offer peace on earth.”

Bryan agrees, “Playing with our Lord and Savior would be outstanding. I would welcome him as a teammate and a friend. Still, I do think he should have to win his job and shouldn’t receive any special favors. I just don’t think strength would be an issue despite his stature. If it is, we’d love him in the D-backfield. I like that he could materialize Gatorade and loaves when we need them.”

Briles agreed with the need for competition to restore the vigor of a moribund Baylor porgram. “Look, this is all silly conjecture, OK? Jesus of Nazareth is not on our depth chart. If he were, JD has earned the right to compete with the Prince of Peace fairly. Jesus would need to perform day in and day out just like everyone else. I play no favorites.”

After the incident, JD Walton was contrite. “I thought Coach Briles was challengin’ me. I got mad and stuff. So, I’m sorry or whatever. I know I hollered that Jesus should bring it on if he want’d a piece of this, but now I only mean in terms of, like, praise and worship. I would welcome him as a teammate…and as my backup.”

The Lord was not available for comment.

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15 Responses

  1. Schumbeckler said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Watchit. Karma’s (in the non-Christian universe) a bitch

  2. dedfischer said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Outfuckingstanding.

  3. flamingmonkeyass said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    Incredible. It made the area around my thorax hurt I laughed so hard.

  4. DBH said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Holy moley. That’s some funny shit.

  5. J.R.69 said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    Hmmmm….Briles must be smarter than he looks. Having Christ at center is a brilliant move: speaking in tongues, His signals would never be stolen by the defense, and if He were ever accused of holding, he could just remind the refs that he was merely “laying on of hands”.

  6. uthookem said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 8:30 pm

    I must be the dumbest person on here.

    I. don’t. get. this. at. all.

  7. Facebook User said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 8:45 pm

  8. ChrisApplewhite said:

    August 4th, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    They should bring in Allah at WR for the explosive plays.

  9. Beergut said:

    August 5th, 2008 at 12:47 am

    outfuckingstanding

    funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

  10. jc25 said:

    August 5th, 2008 at 6:11 am

    This explains so much. It’s proof positive that Kellen Heard hated Jesus when he struck Colt McCoy’s evangelical thorax.

  11. Doperbo said:

    August 5th, 2008 at 6:30 am

    I was mentally preparing positive reinforcement for the humor contained in this piece until I got to the alumnus named Chase. Now I’m composing a character series about a foppish british hairdresser named Mr. Waddeltons.

  12. Scipio Tex said:

    August 5th, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    Leave my thread.

    Throw ball. Chase!

  13. DR Z said:

    August 6th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    so where’s the thorax again?

  14. DBH said:

    August 6th, 2008 at 5:03 pm

  15. DBH said:

    August 6th, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Thorax

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