Football Articles
2008 Baylor Football Preview - State Of The Union
Posted by Scipio Tex on August 10th, 2008 under Football
For a historical perspective of the Baylor Program, please consult Huckleberry’s Chart Of Many Things.
| Best Team | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Year | Record | Season Rank | All-Time Rank |
| 1956 | 9-2 | 7 (6%) | 792 (7%) |
| Finishes | |||
| #1 | Top 5 | Top 10 | Top 25 |
| 0 | 0 | 3 | 23 |
| Average Season Ranking | |||
| Last 4 | Last 10 | Last 25 | All-Time |
| 73 (61%) | 84.8 (73%) | 62.8 (56%) | 49.1 (46%) |
| Worst Team | |||
| Year | Record | Season Rank | All-Time Rank |
| 1907 | 1-3-1 | 68 (91%) | 11349 (93%) |
| Worst Team (Last 25 Years) | |||
| Year | Record | Season Rank | All-Time Rank |
| 1999 | 1-10 | 106 (93%) | 11219 (96%) |
I was on the money in last year’s preview. Baylor did go 3-9. Guy Morriss is done. Coach Art Briles is their new victim head coach.
I think we’re all rooting for Ensign Art Briles as he beams down to the surface of Planet Baylor with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. He’s a good man and Baylor made an astute hire. He is tasked with a routine and straightforward mission: to find signs of intelligent life in Waco. Failing that - and he will - he is entrusted to boldly go where no Bear has ever gone before! The Poulan-Weedeater Independence Bowl in Shreveport.
Why, it’s really not that bad muses Ensign Briles, surveying the landscape, proudly beaming post-beaming. Promising, even. He’ll take atmospheric readings that seem heartening. Captain, my scanner says that these hyper-judgmental dandies really seem to want to win - look at my nice contract and these facility upgrades! I also appear to be in the middle of excellent recruiting country. Plus, there’s a new food court in the Richland Mall! But it will all be over before it begins. Ensign Briles will blindly follow a scrambled Dave Roberts distress signal emanating from behind a secluded rock formation where he’ll be savagely beaten to death with Chuck Reedy’s femur by the rest of the Big 12 South waiting in ambush.
The Big 12 would like a word with you, Coach.
During the mayhem Captain Kirk is conveniently off nailing Iowa State. Eventually, Bones will stumble across Ensign Briles’ corpse and pronounce,”Baylor is dead, Jim.” Or if it were basketball season, “Baylor Gym, is dead.” Kirk will implore, “Bones, is there any-(Shatner pause)-thing that can be…done?” “Damn you Jim, I’m a doctor not a resurrectionist!”
Watch out Ensign Briles! MaCaulay Culkin scream!
As a football forecasting agnostic, I am possessed of a deep certainty in this matter: Baylor football has no immediate potential for salvation. Baylor’s AD can deny their Big 12 history like an archaeopteryx fossil all they want to lure a promising guy like Briles, but it’s not going to change the scoreboard:College Football Relevance - 63 Baylor Bears - 10. Relevance quit throwing in the 3rd quarter.
Given the limitations of the school, I think it’s pretty clear that Art will never flourish in Waco. Culture, Philosophy, and Coach Briles probably won’t either. It would be equivalent to winning at a school like Northwestern, Navy, or Wake Forest, which simply can’t ever happen and is totally without precede…hey, wait a second. Guy Morriss was fired for giving Baylor a smidgen of hope and then completely tanking. Baptists regard Hope as Faith’s malformed inferior twin and they will expose it on a cliff like Spartans if it’s delivered to them without further evidence to believe. Interestingly, this is precisely the opposite of Aggies, who love to frolic in the dewy meadow of Hope, but are darkly pessimistic in their long term football Faith. Guy Morriss was also inefficient as an administrator, even going so far as to use unneeded consonants to spell his last name. Do you have any idea what the extra r and s costs on quality letterhead!? No, seriously. I’m actually asking you. I don’t know.
Baylor’s schedule pretty much dictates a 3-9 finish. There is only one gimme on the entire schedule (Northwestern St) and it stings to know that Iowa State has you circled as one of their wins. Briles will implement his characteristic fast tempo spread offense which is hard on scoreboard batteries, the defenses of both teams, and positive turnover margins. Briles’ offense is one of the rare examples of intelligent design that has consistently evolved. The guy is tremendously creative and puts it all out there. His offensive acumen means competitive 49-41 losses against teams that defend based on the principles of Maginot (I’m glaring at you Oklahoma State) and at least three blowouts against teams that can defend a pass better than Tara Reid.
OMG! I so drunk.
Baylor has some scholarship players, so I guess I’ll write about them now.
GuyMo’s positive legacy is a pretty good OL. Baylor’s two biggest impact players are both OTs: Smith and Gay. Which sounds a little like a flamboyant firearm that fires a refreshing spritz. JD Walton will be a solid contributor at center after serving his suspension for his horrendous outburst at the Big 12 media day. The Baylor OL will be instrumental in giving QB Blake Szymanski excellent protection as he rallies the Bears from 38-10 3rd quarter deficits. That is unless Kirby Freeman, he of Miami Hurricane can’t throw spirals fame, pushes the plucky Pentecostal Polak for his job. Truthfully, Briles may just say fuck it (actually, it’s Baylor, so he’ll say “Goosefeathers!”) and start true freshman Robert Griffin, who is a sensational athlete. Which is what I’d do. If Baylor Football can reach respectability by 2010 it will be because of Griffin. Art’s best offenses, whether at Stephenville or at U of H, needs the running threat at QB to make it work. The QB draw in an an empty set, the zone read with a one back, the QB lead when the other team plays dime - it opens it all up. Without that threat, they’re just Texas Tech without the polish, execution, and slutty co-eds.
Jay Finley probably gets the start at RB. Who? Exactly. Last year Baylor finished 113th in the nation in rushing. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest to you that Ron Dayne’s career rushing yardage records are under no threat in Waco, but they should be improved with Briles and the OL personnel. Baylor’s WRs aren’t bad at all and the stars of Murderball could put up numbers in this offense. In fact, Baylor actually has some respectable speed and size to work with here. Look out for Thomas “Pray’n Caucasian” White, perceived underachiever David “This Year I’m Gonna” Gettis, and oversized possession WR Justin Akers to headline the corps.
Defensively, Baylor’s Joe Pawelek is a Purpose-Driven linebacker! He’s a really good player. On the Baylor defense being a good player is like manning a toll booth on the Mongol steppe. Why do they keep riding around me!?! Weakside LB Joel Osteen is promising and though he is only 5-9 155, he is extraordinarily persuasive at reasoning with opposing ball carriers to get them to change their direction.
Hey Vondrell, let’s just set the ball down and talk.
He’ll play behind an improved and nearly respectable DL that features minimal depth at DE, which, when combined with spread offenses on both sides of the ball should make for some late game pass rushing efforts that bring to mind being chased by a lamp post. Baylor’s defensive backfield is forgettable to the point of amnesia, but safety Jordan Lake is spoken of prominently because he is a water hazard for the opposing team’s tailback on their way to a 153 yard performance. He is preseason All Big 12 largely because the media isn’t aware of the fact that this is a passing league now. Lake is proof that still waters don’t necessarily run deep. In fact they often run nine steps behind a split end as he jogs into the end zone. Baylor has now gone to a 4-3 defense over last year’s 4-2-5 preferring a large unathletic guy at LB to a small unathletic guy at S. By stinking in a more conventional way, Baylor hopes to draw less attention from opposing offenses. This is the same methodology that Eric Roberts used to revive his acting career.
Interestingly, as part of the new 4-3, Baylor’s weakside LB isn’t called a Will. It’s called a Fritz. Not kidding. Their rover position is called a Hero. Fritz Hero. And you think we don’t pick up these cryptic pro-Katzenjammer kid messages, Baylor? Just what is your motive in all of this? Pining for the Kaiser are we?
As Spock did so often with tormented creatures that could not be understood or whose motivations could not be fathomed, I will now attempt to Vulcan mind meld with the Baylor fanbase collective. I want to assure them that in no way is the Vulcan mind meld dabbling with the occult.
Let us begin:
Agghhhh! soooo……MUCH……PAIN. Pain! Huuuurrrrrrrrt! DEAAAAATTHHHH. Dis…grace. Ev…ery. One. Laugh…ing. At. Us. GAAAAAAAAAAAA! Want to lash out…but…wearing khakis! Want to kill!!! Mayhem! Locusts! Abomination…Dirty….Dave…Roberts! Guy….Morrrisssss. Why so many…consonants? Chuck……Reedy. Oh, Chuuuuck. Would love! To go! 5-5-1 again!!! Aaaarghhhh. Grant Teaffffffff. Ohhhhhh, Graaaannnt. Love your corrupt….holier-….than-…thou…self. 1974 was soooo magic…al. So much PAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN. The tentacles…of loss…entwining me! Pulling me back….want to stay with Graaannnnntttt. GAAAAAAAA! The PAIN! The PAIN! Too much! The horror; the horror. Gaaaaaaaaaa!
Trust me, people. You don’t want to go in there.
If Baylor wins more than four games this year, you can set my phaser to absolutely stunned. Any objections?
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Emerging Donovan Forbes Contingent said:
August 11th, 2008 at 4:34 am
Baylor football wretchedness makes for an intresting case study in competitive advantages/disadvantages. Why has BU been so bad? Sure, the B12 is tough, but it is the B12. BU should be able to have talent as good as TCU or UH, right, just because the B12 is a better conference than the Mountain West or C-USA?
The Teaff era is a puzzler. The Bears were competitive with Teaff as a head coach. How did he do it? I don’t think anybody thought he was a genius. He had very good defenses, ran the Veer, and usually had some good talent. He was lucky in that the BU boosters understood that they had to go thru the occasional 4 - 7 or 5 - 6 year to get to the 8 - 4 or 10 - 2 season. Why can’t that formula be copied, post-Teaff?
dedfischer said:
August 11th, 2008 at 4:36 am
Beam me up. Awesome.
After watching some replays of some of the Big 12 track meet this spring, I am convinced that Griffin will either be a better version of Vince Young surrounded with crappy talent or the next Olympic gold medalist from Baylor. Probably the latter. Needless to say, winning the toughest race in track & field (400 M hurdles) in the Big 12 as a senior in high school is probably a feat to never be repeated. At a minimum, he’ll be a better version of John Chiles. Briles needs to throw him to the wolves and hope he’s good enough to win 4 or 5 games and get some better talent around him. If Griffin is getting killed, he’ll quit football and pursue his track career. I can’t blame him there. Respect the Griffin, he might be the best athlete playing football in the Big 12 and he will make 5′10″, 195 lb DBs across the league look pretty comical when he gets loose in the secondary. If…..he gets that far.
MrWyatt said:
August 11th, 2008 at 5:34 am
Truly awesome.
My favorite college commercial is Baylor’s “I got into an unnamed Ivy school but decided to come and find myself here” ad. And I think Cormac McCarthy was driving through Waco when he was inspired to write The Road.
Stuck in MN said:
August 11th, 2008 at 6:13 am
“Why can’t that formula be copied, post-Teaff?”
THE NCAA ENFORCEMENT PROCESS
Minnesotahorn said:
August 11th, 2008 at 6:14 am
“…a better version of Vince Young…”
Say what?
dedfischer said:
August 11th, 2008 at 6:26 am
You could go with the Olympic gold medalist, if you like. Point being, there’s no question the guy is a world class athlete. I can’t believe Texas wasn’t all over this guy. He’s better than Shepard as far as dual threat QBs go.
Drew said:
August 11th, 2008 at 7:26 am
“And I think Cormac McCarthy was driving through Waco when he was inspired to write The Road.”
El Paso is what I’ve read.
Ghost of David Koresh said:
August 11th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Now you know why I set up shop here.
Vasherized said:
August 11th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I think Jordan Lake just packed up his gear and skipped town.
Nice start to the preview season. I’m actually surprised Baylor received the word count it did.
“Next” would have sufficed.
Black Scholes said:
August 11th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Who was the bigger hypocrite re college football and ethics: Bill McCartney or Grant Teaff?
Nordberg said:
August 11th, 2008 at 8:02 am
“A better Vince Young”… “At a minimum he’ll be a better version of John Chiles”… “better than Russell Shephard”.
Damn, y’all like the guy?
TaylorTRoom said:
August 11th, 2008 at 8:37 am
What did Teaff do that was so unethical? He was never busted for illegal recruiting. I think he was always willing to recruit negatively against a rival, arguing to parents that Austin was corrupting, for example.
I think Baylor was always willing to use its private school status to help with admissions and keeping guys eligible, when that was allowed. I don’t think they have as much latitude anymore). I remember they were doing something unique with meal money, due to not having an athletics cafeteria (now, nobody has one and I think a lot of schools give cash to players for meals).
Is BU not able to provide unique benefits anymore? Or have they just been mis-managed since Teaff?
RansomStoddard said:
August 11th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I have to give a speech to the incoming law school class at the local University and I’m going to steal “frolic in the dewy meadow of Hope”. Thank you.
Stuck in MN said:
August 11th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Taylor, I admit that my knowledge of infraction history is miniscule compared to yours, but I’ve often heard that Baylor played the old SWC recruiting game as well as anyone and also was very good at brain transplants. I have absolutely no concrete examples to base this on, however.
Have you ever heard anything similar? Perhaps people just jump to conclusions to justify how any recruit could possibly choose to spend 4 years in Waco, but the rumors were definitely out there.
Bartoncreek said:
August 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
The Smith & Gay is the ultimate weapon for use against repressed homosexuals with homophobic tendancies.
Sounds like the Brazos River Rivalry will get even more intense this year. If you know what I mean.
Bartoncreek said:
August 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
My apologies for not being up to date with the historic BU-A&M rivalry. Battle on the Brazos is the correct title. And I call myself a college football fan?
Ag_in_TX said:
August 11th, 2008 at 11:12 am
By the way - we have a new dog. The old one had grown psycho - which perhaps enhanced her as a representative of our student body, but she had become dangerous nonetheless.
Our new mascot:
Ag_in_TX said:
August 11th, 2008 at 11:13 am
And dad-gum-it - why doesn’t that code work?
Huckleberry said:
August 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Speaking of attempting code, here’s a table that presents a quick look at Baylor’s recent and long-term history. I hope to present one on each State of the Union.
Sweet, it worked. The percentages are percentile rank for the year.
TaylorTRoom said:
August 11th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Are you saying the 1956 Baylor Bears were the 792nd best team in history? Is that how you read that?
Facebook User said:
August 11th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Send me what you want up sailorripley AT barkingcarnival DOTCOM
Huckleberry said:
August 11th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
TTR -
That is correct. They are #792 all time according to the ratings.
There have been 12,165 teams so far that are included in my ratings.
srr50 said:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
“What did Teaff do that was so unethical? He was never busted for illegal recruiting”
Cash was king in Waco.
So was negative recruiting.
Doperbo said:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
“On the Baylor defense being a good player is like manning a toll booth on the Mongol steppe. Why do they keep riding around me!?! Weakside LB Joel Osteen is promising and though he is only 5-9 155, he is extraordinarily persuasive at reasoning with opposing ball carriers to get them to change their direction.”
LMFAO. Way to set the bar.
Scipio Tex said:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Huck, mind if we just insert it into the SOTU itself? I’d like to feature your great work.
Huckleberry said:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
No problem, although the “great work” sarcasm was unnecessary.
Bastard.
By the way, I ran through all the teams and the Nebraska/Oklahoma/Texas trio makes the rest of the conference look like a bunch of bitches. Not that this wasn’t expected.
BiggUggly said:
August 11th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
For those of you sufficiently aged, there was a reason he was called Elmer Gantry.
Scipio Tex said:
August 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Not sarcasm. I actually really dig that stuff.
Atomic Teeth » Blog Archive » Mizzou/Baylor Post-Mortem said:
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
[...] This year Barking Carnival, back before people were talking about Robert Griffin III, suggested that Briles would be best served putting the freshman in to run the Bears full time. Scipio Tex wrote: [...]