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McCoy vs. Tebow

I'm generally immune to internet memes, not sure why, but it makes sense given the hardy ethnic stock in question. Rooting around in bogs for millenia combined with even infrequent ancestral consumption of haggis necessarily renders a hardy constitution, which naturally spills over into other facets of one's life, like the intergoogle. I have watched Rick Astley a couple of times, but that was in concert, so it doesn't count. Yesterday Cricketslayer made me watch this one out of sheer intimidation from his handle, and for some reason it struck me, and not solely for the Lou Holtz angry slobberfest. Slobbangry. Slangry. If I was on the set I would totally start using that. "Dude, don't say that - seriously, your going to get Lou all slangry." Try it with a drawl. Slangry.

Anyway, that's not the point. If Florida fans dream about Lou leaning over them while they sleep and softly slispering tebow... tebow... into a puddle in their ear and wake up screaming that isn't my problem. I can't fix the world. But there is a bigger issue here that needs to be addressed, something that needs to be said, and I'm afraid we're the only legitimate news outlet that has the journalistic integrity to do it.

Why is everyone comparing Colt and Tim in the first place?

Whew. That felt good. It's not even that they run completely different offenses in different conferences. I'm cool with that. My real issue, and more importantly, is why we have to choose sides? That doesn't really seem fair. What about those of us who like both? I mean really like them, in that I think Colt McCoy is the avatar of St. Paul and Lee Majors and I like Tim Tebow almost as much as scally does, which is even more than I like Colt. Transitively it's a tie. This is absolutely gut wrenching, and it has to stop. Remember Rick and A.J.? They were totally different, and fought all the time, yet also cool and solved crimes together. Why can't it be like that?


Colt can be whichever one is cooler, so maybe Tim (Rick) has the mustache. But that guy kicked ass, which would be Colt, so that doesn't really work. So Tim can be A.J., who was really smart and polished. Wait. I guess I hadn't really thought this through. This is messing with my head.

In any event, if we're going to be forced to choose between them we shouldn't we at least pick our own criteria, stuff we believe in, stuff that matters? Half of the arguments I've seen involved nothing but useless stats, which only tell part of the story, the field part. Falls a little short, doesn't it? Misses the big picture entirely. I pasted some from the NCAA stats site to prove to you how inscrutable they are. Who's the better passer... who's the better rusher.... who's to say? colt for both Shut up. I'm trying to make a point. It's more than winning percentages. Come on people. Is that all you really care about?

Passing Efficiency

Rank Player Pos Cl Gm Patt Pcomp Comppct Int Intpct Pyds Ydspatt TDs TDpct Rating

4- Colt McCoy, Texas- QB JR 6 165 131 79.39 3 1.82 1557 9.44 17 10.30 189.0
17 Tim Tebow, Florida QB JR 6 149 093 62.42 1. 0.67 1235 8.29 10 6.710 152.8

Total Offense

Rank Player Pos Cl Gm Rushes Gain Loss Net Patt Pyds Plays Totyds Ydspl Yds/gm

9- Colt McCoy, Texas- QB JR 6 59 405 57 348 165 1557 224 1905 8.50 317.5
42 Tim Tebow, Florida QB JR 6 73 263 84 179 149 1235 222 1414 6.37 235.7

See, I bet you can't even read that. I made it and I can't. It's unselfinscrutable. Which is a word I made up, in case Lou reads this, and someone is there to catch it on tape. Just kidding Lou. I like you, I wouldn't keep you up 'til 1 am and give you antihistamines known to cause paradoxical agitation in the elderly like ESPN did. I'm your friend. Say unselfinscrutable just once. Say it.

In any event it doesn't seem so clear now does it, statswise. In lieu of an actual formatting table for stats, here are the real categories- the QB qualities that actually matter.

1. Guttiness
2. Clutchosity
3. Smile
4. Aroma
5. Powers of Christianity

Scipio made me put the last one in.

1. Guttiness

    Tebow acounted for something like 23 rushing touchdown last year, often against stacked short yardage SEC defenses who where gunning for him, and manned up to get it done.

    McCoy drinks a gallon of milk every day.


    A gallon of milk? Actual milk. WTF, man? I mean I like it, but I'm not trying to support the entire Wisconsin dairy industry. You realize just about everyone on earth is at least a little lactose intolerant, right? Since McCoy's intestines are actually under assault, probably as we speak, I'm going to have to give him the guttiness edge.

2. Clutchosity

    McCoy Has led 7 fourth quarter comebacks, including some impressive feats of clutch- Nebraska, Tech, Ok State, Oklahoma... Colt has clearly proven that you can put the game on his shoulders and he can win the big one.

    Tebow's girlfriend has big ones.


    ADVANTAGE- Tebow.

    Another meme I seem to lack immunity to, and with all due respect to Colt, and knowing full well how intense the Oklahoma pass rush is, I can't even imagine the game it'd take to walk up on that. Even as the quarterback at Florida, that's daunting. If he said ten words before blurting out boobies! the guy is clutch.

3. Smile



    h/t to Deadspin for the Tebow pic, but this one's too close to call. I don't usually look at dudes. And the Gladiatory costume kinda freaks me out. See I mispelled Gladiatory. That's from being freaked out. Anyway, HenryJames and CrazyJoe have a side debate on this one which might be the swing vote. So to speak.

4. Aroma

    Tebow was born in the Phillipines, a location synonymous with dubious hygiene, and currently lives in a mosquito infested swamp full of half sunken meth labs and runaway alligators, at least according to COPS. I've never been there.

    Colt hails from the clean and breezy steppes of north/west Texas, and his ears smell like sunshine.

    ADVANTAGE- Colt.

5. Powers of Christianity

    Colt is a functional Mennonite, he's never had anything stronger than his momma's coffee and wakes up every morning singing a psalm with his arms clasped over his head in joy. Osteen thinks he's edgy.

    Tim's dad was a minister. Legacy.

    ADVANTAGE- Tebow.

Wow that was harder than I thought. At least we cleared some things up. I feel like we made some real progress today. Tomorrow we'll tackle the SEC vs Eisenhower's post war staff decisions- subcategory, Is Mark Richt's offense more futile than the Morgenthau Plan?