S Nic Harris Oklahoma His last meaningful play was a high school production of Our Town. A pre and postseason All-America and 1st team All-Big 12 player who ranked 54th in the league in tackles, Nic was also a frequent recipient of violent bukkake in pass coverage. He fears DVR and the Amazing James Randi.
C Jon Cooper Oklahoma According to the coaches, he's THE LEAGUE'S BEST LINEMAN! And its third best center. Oh. He's a football smart guy who keeps the beasts around him from venturing into the crocodile enclosure, but there's nothing to see here. Move along.
LB/DE Ian Campbell Kansas State The gridiron interest only loan of 2006. Great value as a sophomore, but some in the media missed his foreclosure back in 2007.
CB Deon Beasley Texas Deon was usuallly placed on the other team's best WR and our inability to teach zone meant that he lived a perilous existence. I am sympathetic. That doesn't excuse shunning physical contact like an autistic. He was an Acapulco cliff diver targeting an ocean of shoelaces.
FB Jorvorskie Lane Texas A&M Fat, weepy, and unmotivated is no way to go through life, son. His 2008 statistics: 35 carries, 93 yards, 191 documented acts of indolence, 447 Brown Bag specials from Sonic. This senior leader went for 1500+ yards and 35 TDs combined in 2006/2007, but shows up in his final season weighing 299 using a Krispy Kreme as his mouthpiece.
OG Brandon Carter Texas Tech This future Bond villian is 6-7 350, has a douchebag haircut, and wears eye shadow. Grandma? His greatest value as a player is acting as an oversized turd in the narrow pass rush plumbing of Leach's scheme.
LB Sean Weatherspoon Missouri I pick Sean as the singular embodiment of the decline of every returning Missouri defender from 2007, with the exception of Stryker Sulak. My theory? Sulak's heavy dousings of Axe body spray acted as garlic to the vampiric coaching of defensive coordinator Dave Christensen Matt Eberflus.
S Jordan Lake Baylor He's on every All-Big 12 team primarily because he was on all of the preseason teams. He's a tough guy who will punish you and he was one of the league leaders in tackles, but every Big 12 receiver loves vacationing at the Lakehouse. He's an aerial bed and breakfast.
OT Colin Brown Missouri A 6-8 unanimous preseason 1st Team All-Big 12 selection who eluded 2008 highlight films like a sasquatch. Was that Colin Brown who made the block that sprang Maclin? Hard to say. The only evidence is an uprooted goal post, a size 16 footprint, and a pile of steaming dung.