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Gary Patterson Has No Time For Your Unconsciousness

Gary Patterson is not only an exceptional football coach, but few realize that he has more insight into head trauma than a doctor and that he is fighting the good fight against the tyranny of healers.

Last month during a win over SMU, TCU head coach Gary Patterson was caught on camera yelling at a trainer on the sidelines. Turns out that Patterson wasn't very fond of the trainer's decision to hold running back Ed Wesley out of the game with what he diagnosed as a concussion.

"Why isn't Wesley in there? What? Percussion? Well turn down the treble and get his ass in there!"

Diagnosing concussions can't be left solely in the hands of the medical elite:

"He was knocked unconscious, and any loss of consciousness is automatically considered a concussion," said Dr. Samuel J. Haraldson. "He had an unsteady gait and a few memory problems.

Blah blah blah. Diagnosis. Blah blah blah. Medical things. Player well-being. Blah blah blah.

Loss of consciousness is considered a concussion? Well, then I get a concussion every Saturday night after I'm done polishing off like 17 wine coolers. And has it occurred to the good doctor that Wesley's unsteady gait is a gangster lean? That's how the kids walk nowadays. It's cool to be disoriented. The memory problems are probably because the doctor asked him something like, "Who is our current president?" No one knows that bullshit, egghead.

Haraldson, I bet you were a band nerd.

Then five or six plays later, I literally was verbally accosted by the coach, screaming at me insanely at the top of his lungs that he doesn't think [Wesley] has a concussion and what right do I have to hold him out.

Well, what right do you have? I can't find anything about this in Frank Sinatra's autobiography or The Good Book. Those are my Stedman's. So you're using nine years of schooling, a fellowship, twenty years of clinical practice, and expert diagnostic skills?

Here's what I use: common sense. Does the player have small yellow chicks flying around his head? Is the player saying, "Which way did he go? Which way did he go?" No?

Then the player is not concussed. Now prepare to get cussed.

Haraldson says that after TCU had taken control of the game, Patterson did come over and offer what he termed a "pseudo-apology."

Patterson's apology: Listen Doc, you're a massive sissy and I should have taken that into account when you made your cowardly diagnosis as players become like you when pulled into your orbit. I shouldn't have yelled at you no matter how much you deserved it. Here's a pink feather-embedded stethoscope as a peace offering. Friends?

Sorry folks, I'm firmly in Patterson's corner on this one. Doctors have run medicine for far too long. It's time for a more practical gridiron-focused approach that takes into account game context, BCS bowls, and a total disregard for players.

That's true holistic medicine.