clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Science is Done

New, 21 comments

You had to hear it from someone, and it might as well be me. Science is done. Through. Finished. Kaput.

We technical types have known this for years. But we conspired to keep the drooling rube masses in the dark for as long as possible. Unfortunately, the jig is up. It's no longer possible to keep the secret. Science is dead.

You see, when "scientists" start transforming research grants into bar graphs illustrating a correlation between 40-yard dash times and Scout recruiting star-rankings, then you know legitimate scientific inquiry has drawn to a close.

"But this can't be the end!" you say. "You eggheads promised us flying cars."

Yeah. Sorry about that. It turns out that The Jetsons was based on a miscalculation. Goldberg and Librovsky proved the mathematical impossibility of flying cars over a decade ago in their famous paper "Don't Tell High School Drop-Outs and Liberal Arts Majors, But Flying Cars Aren't Going to Happen."

Of course, you never heard about that paper. Because we didn't tell you about it. Even if we had, you wouldn't have been able to understand it. But as soon as this Ghigiarelli asshole released his study, we figured even you people would put two and two together on the flying car thing. It's out of the bag now.

What should you do now that science has run its course? Some are probably considering suicide. I advise against that.

You won't hear me trying to talk you out of a little spontaneous looting, however. Have at it. Now that science is over, TVs aren't going to get any better. You might as well steal the latest model before Sony's flatscreen engineers pass away and we're back to rabbit ears and cathode ray tubes.

Most importantly, whatever faith you once had in scientists should be abandoned in lieu of idolotry and shamanism. Scientists can't help you anymore. Why not give Ba'al a try?