The Big Board will be updated later but here are the latest results of the Great Offseason Timekiller Project 2.0.
Red Cup Rebellion: Stanford
The House of Sparky: Tennessee
Big East Coast Bias: Michigan State
Team Speed Kills: Texas A&M
Black Heart Gold Pants: Miami
BC Interruption: Wisconsin
BC Interruption: Washington
Back Heart Gold Pants: Auburn
Team Speed Kills: Arizona
Big East Coast Bias: West Virginia
House of Sparky: Syracuse
Red Cup Rebellion: Arkansas
By picking up U Dub and Wiscy, our conference continues its reign of re-drafting terror over the competition by locking down two more huge state schools with highly respected academics, competitive athletics in primary revenue earnings sports as well as ancilliary activities like hockey (Wiscy) and hackey sack (U Dub), yet another major media market in Seattle (along with a minor one in Minneapolis), and a double portion of semi-hot tang that takes a while to thaw out after winter but looks like the real goods after a 12 pack of Moosehead. mmmmm...12 Pack.
Uh, road trip?
The picks in rounds four and five were actually better picks than some of the schools that went too early in rounds three and four. Our competition is finally catching on to our cohesively executed strategy of dominating geographic regions, TVs, cash money, and bitches. Each school is also a dominant in-state brand that carries national respect. As opposed to, say, A&M. or Louisville.
As my financial advisor likes to remind me, Past performance cannot guarantee future results. My response is usually "Could it get any worse? What the hell do I pay you for?" He's like Murray on Flight of the Conchords in a Jos. A Bank suit. So don't bring the fantasy hate when we have to draft Clemson in the tenth round. We've gone on a hell of a run but there's no way it can last unless our fellow Commissars start drafting kickers in the 7th round. i.e. Iowa State, Bates, IUPUI.
Official conference names have been selected except for the derelicts over at Team Speed Kills, whose synapses have been slowed by PED samples Nick Saban thought he was sending to recruits.
Red Cup Rebellion is The Cult of Les Miles.
House of Sparky is The House of a Thousand Sanctions.
Big East Coast Bias is Conference TMZ.
Team Speed Kills is The House of 35,000 Sanctions until they pick an official name.
Black Heart Gold Pants is The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
BC Interruption is The 12 Pack.
As our commissioner likes to say, "All your TVs are belong to BEVO*".
12 Pack programming will be available on the Longhorn Network nationwide through your local cable provider.
Who wants in?