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7/12 Searing Hot Sundry: Is the NCAA Dumber than a 4th Grader?

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My tires melted on the way home from work yesterday near MoPac & 38th St. It looked something like this.

So I decided to get my ass here as soon as possible.

Hotel Fairmont, Banff, Alberta. The only problem is it's in Canada, which has Canadians.

STAT GEEKS, UNITE! Party of one, the name is Huckleberry. Second most interesting man in the world. Preferably a quiet table with good wifi access near a heavily tinted window?

A motherlode of college football data has been dropped on your collective asses. Sift, sort, sniff, smell. Then bake at 375 until Texas comes out looking better than 5-7.

If this doesn't happen three years ago ...

... then Blake Gideon doesn't become the runaway favorite for the 2011 Thorpe Award, according to Bill Little (to be penned in a future column.)

Building Blocks, imo. And Kenny Vaccarro just laughs, knocks somebody out on a crossing route, forces a fumble and Blake Gideon returns it for a touchdown. THIS IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN. EMBRACE IT.

The boys at the 'Cosm provide some nice closure on The Opening, the all star recruiting event held by Nike to subliminally induce 5 star studs to consider the Oregon Ducks compete against fellow high school athletes in a wooded setting aired nationally on ESPN for three days. Why would this be appealing to, say, a kid from Tallahassee? You get unlimited NIKE swag, national TV time, perfect weather, perfect cheerleaders ... Chip Kelly didn't even need Will Lyles. The place sells itself just fine, but if they're still willing to pay, well...

Jonathan Gray making dudes miss, laugh, cry, quit altogether ...

From Russia With Love

When police arrived to question Zahjac, she said: 'What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left."

AKA The Dirty Stalingrad. Sign. me. up.

Golf Prick Pairings have been announced for the first round of The British Open on Thursday. If Rory McIlroy can lay off the single malt and hold off fellow countrybloke Luke Donald, he should win his second major of the year. Sleepers? Martin Laird. And ... wait for it. Sergio Garcia. Revenge for 2007 in Carnoustie and srr50 can finally rest.

IS THE NCAA DUMBER THAN A FOURTH GRADER? Without a doubt. And so are the bowtied administrators running The Ohio State University.

The institution is very surprised and disappointed by the lack of action in this matter by then Head Football Coach Jim Tressel. His behavior in this situation is out of character for him, as he has been a man of integrity and high moral standards since his hiring as the head football coach in 2001. His lack of action in this matter appears to have been the result of indecisiveness regarding the appropriate actions to take in this specific situation in which he was placed, as opposed to a blatant disregard of NCAA legislation. … The institution will not excuse such behavior. As a result, the institution has imposed significant corrective and punitive actions upon itself and sought and received the resignation of Tressel.

Can an appearance on Nancy Grace be far away for E. Gordon Gee?

"We feel hurt, lied to, cheated on, trampled, visigothed, lobotomized. Wait! The explains it. Jim Tressel erased our brains! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NICE MAN IN THE SWEATERVEST WE THOUGHT WE HIRED?!

I've always liked a man in a bowtie. I believe you, Mr. Gee. I think you were wronged and I aim to make this right. For Buckeye Nation. For America. For Justice. For the GOOD visigoths still out there. For the (pause, sniffle) Nancy Grace Show.

Well I believe that under those seven layers of makeup lies a beautiful woman, wrongfully judged to be descended from a lunar meteor shower, who only cares about the truth. And that's all THE Ohio State University ever wanted.

Amen, Gordo. Sometimes when people like Maurice Clarett, Plastico Burns, San Antonio Holmes, and Terelle Pryor seek to hide the truth from you there is nothing you can do to stop it. Even if you look the other way, as the case may be here.

Aw, heck. What's to lose. Meet me at Applebee's at 7?

You're on, Gordo. Wear a disguise. And bring Captain Kirk.

Captain Kirk? I'm afraid I don't have Mr. Shat...

HERBSTREIT. In tight pleather. Next up on Nancy Grace! How a tornado freed a prisoner from a Tennessee jail and America's attempt to SEEK JUSTICE AGAINST NATURE. Only on the Nancy Grace Show is the world SAFE FROM ARMAGEDDON.