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Bill Byrne's Monday Schedule

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9:00 - File for divorce.

9:30 - Acquire Scarlett Johannson's telephone number.

9:45 - Call Scarlett Johansson, introduce myself, and agree to marry her.

10:00 - Snack.

10:15 - Inform ESPN of intent to cut weight and take fight with Pacquiao.

10:30 - Call Harvard to preemptively decline honorary PhD in Comparative Literature.

10:45 - Second snack.

11:00 - Nap time with Sherm.

12:00 - Lunch with Grandma. [Note: cancel to clear room in schedule for telephone calls with Scarlett's family and wedding planner].

1:00 - Sign contract for delivery of new Rolls Royce Phantom. Pay off loan once substantial sum of money is received via wire transfer from Prince Mike Okoye of Nigeria.

1:45 - Post-lunch snack.

2:00 - Fax rough draft of acceptance speech to Nobel Committee.

2:30 - Powersnack.

3:00 - Press Conference announcing move to Southeastern Conference Call our Friends in the State Capital and accept standing offer to broadcast Aggie equestrian and track and field events during prime timeslots on Longhorn Network. Also accept standing offer to rename network as the "Aggie and Longhorn Network."

4:30 - Finally get around to signing up for Skull & Bones Society.