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2011 Oklahoma Football Preview: Sooner State of The Union

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Oklahoma is the unanimous preseason #1 because pollsters overrate favorable schedules, forget that OU scraped together half of their 2010 wins with more difficulty than their child support lien, and fail to recognize that winning a BCS game is a necessary component of a national title.

Oklahoma went 12-2 in 2010, but six of those wins were by eight points or less and their bowl matchup was a farce.

Sooner Fan, before you retort in authentic flatlands gibberish, I need you to possess enough good taste to not brag about your BCS blowout of UConn. That's like slump busting in a morgue. Then boasting about it at work instead of finding the paint swatches I ordered.

Most Sooners work at Sherwin-Williams. No one disputes this.

Offense


Oklaaaahoma! Where the quarterrrrbacks are plain!

That's Landry Jones. Makes you miss the cross-eyed Algonquin a little bit. Sam was good people.

Landry looks like every Oklahoman I've ever seen at the State Fair eating fried Coca-Cola syrup as their cousin-wives test the hydraulic supports on The Zipper with rhino toe bursting from their pajama jeans; every wormy redneck-wigger hybrid Sooner fan who drives a 1998 Nissan mini-truck and walks into convenience stores shirtless mumbling,"This nigga right here need Funyuns."

Boomer Sooner then stands in line leering at junior high girls, contemplating a court mandated paternity test, conspicuously checking his pager, popping and locking to music only he hears. When the cashier refuses to accept the insufficient offering of lint, pennies, shell casings, and county jail chits rescued from the secretion-rich depths of his crack-baring (and crack-bearing) jorts for a Mickey's Big Mouth and a Oui magazine, Captain Crimson storms out, lays rubber, clips a curb, overcorrects, and rolls his ride as his exhaust pipe sets a destructive grass fire in the median.

Jones wants to be a preacher and the media bleats this fact admiringly as if we need an apocalyptic chiseler setting up player slush funds from the offering plate, healing dia-beetus with the laying on of hands, and doubting the fossil record. Hey media, let's save the accolades for the Mechanical Engineering majors, shall we?

Landry threw for 38 TDs last year because he has a receiving corps that is three deep in pimps and plays in an offensive system in which even catfish noodlers can put up Playstation numbers.

Jason White thinks I have a really good point.

I said taupe, Jason. Taupe. This is mouse-grey. Remix the swatch...


Yes, that's Ryan Broyles

I mentioned the Sooner receiving corps and they are spectacular. Senior All-American Ryan Broyles treats cornerbacks like rule of law on the way to putting up criminal numbers (131 catches, 1622 yards, 14 tds) and he will leave Norman as the greatest receiver in Sooner history. Sophomore Kenny Stills (61-786-5) is a speedy complement to Broyles. Dejuan Miller will play the role of big body (6-4, 217) chain mover. In fact, six of their top eight receivers return and any Sooner will tell you that's nearly half of last year's personnel. They're going to be loaded, even if freshman stud Trey Metoyer can't stack Legos well enough to pass his finals.

The Sooner TEs feature (James) Hanna And Her Sisters and his 76 yard TD gallop against Oklahoma State last year renewed my personal delusion that a 5.0 40 is all you need to score in a college football game. He scored 7 TDs last year and will be a goal line play action staple. Trent Ratterree is a former walk-on and solid blocker who can move the sticks. Pepperoni sticks.

Boom! Roasted.

The Sooner passing game will give it to our secondary dry with a burlap sack lubricated in kidney stones if we don't hit Landry Jones hard... with blitzers, Scopes Monkey Trial transcripts, and delousing powder.

OU's running game was ineffective last year and the Sooners grew increasingly one dimensional as the year progressed, averaging 3.3 yards per carry. They'll try to turn the tide with four returning OL starters and a promising running back stable that features talented scat back Roy Finch (5-7, 170), touted California sophomore Brennan Clay, the redshirted Jonathan Miller, elite freshman Brandon Williams, and former Texas prep star Jermie "Don't Spell It Jeremy!" Calhoun.

Fullback Trey Millard is a very good blocker and may see more of the ball in 2011.

When I write that Roy Finch is a 'scat' back, that is not in reference to his size. I mean that he favors glass coffee tables...

Holds eye contact with reader.

...squints...

Nods meaningfully.

Defense

Injuries have made OU's front 7 into half a fag. If we upset the Sooners, it will be because we control this group's movements like a probation officer's decree.

The Sooner DTs will feature soft erotica author Jamarkus McFiction and the duo of Stacy (McGee) and Casey (Walker). Is anyone truly frightened by Cagney And Lacey or Ja'Literate? No? Good. Let's move on...

Oklahoma plays the semi-ineligible and always unintelligible Ronnell Lewis as a hybrid pass-rushing DE a la Sergio Kindle. He is a big-time talent. I'm not saying Lewis is dumb, but the number one search term on his iPad is Google. This is OU. He'll be eligible come game time.

In addition to Ronnell Einstein, they'll employ more traditional personnel in Frank Alexander, David King, and former super recruit RJ Washington. Alexander has 12 career sacks and has been around forever. He'll produce. David King is a big DE (6-5, 275) who can, and has, played DT in a pinch, but it's unclear what he offers at full-time DE. RJ Washington is said to offer ability as a pure rusher but may be deficient in the running game.

The Sooner linebacking corps features Englishman Tom Wort, a name befitting a chimney sweep in a Dickens novel. Wort is a high energy Freemason from Bleak-Industrial-Town-On-Avon by way of New Braunfels. On game days, he wears a chin strap attached to a bowler hat and distributes sixpence to orphans after tipping them into canals with his sword cane. He has been known to refer to his naughty bits as the Vicar of Slapout and claims to have served with Chinese Gordon in Khartoum.


Wort lays about with cane; Vicar of Slapout also prominent

All-American Travis Lewis is out for eight weeks with an injury and that means we'll see him back in four after Sooner S&C Coach Jerry Schmidt forces him to wear a tube top made of maxi-pads and sing I'm Every Woman at the start of team meetings.

Being forced to drink your own urine is so 2003. You may question the methods, but the Sooners always get results.

The injury created an opportunity for former Skyline LB Corey Nelson. Nelson is undersized, extremely fast, and, if you recall his recruitment, he strings along Aggies like a sheep with a curfew.

OU spends a lot of time in base nickel because their base penny kept getting melted down and sold for its copper content.

Tony Jefferson (5-10, 200) was the 2010 Big 12 Defensive Freshman of The Year. He can play the run, is an effective blitzer, and is an instinctive coverage guy. He's damn good. SS Javon Harris (5'10 205) took over for an injured Jonathan Nelson last year and earned this year's starting gig. Aaron Colvin is an unproven former corner who will play a coverage safety role suitable to his slight frame and former starter Sam Proctor provides depth and experience.

OU has quality experience at cornerback in Jamell Fleming and they tout promising sophomore Gabe Lynn. Lynn has ideal cornerback size (6-0, 195) and a double chick name. DeMontre Hurst (5-10, 180) started last year at CB and converted slot receiver Joe Powell adds depth.

Conclusion

Oh sure, they'll win the league again, but need I remind you that our revenue championship banner will wave proudly? And don't even get me started on apparel sales.

Many Longhorns are weakly predicting a loss to Oklahoma this year because last year's 5-7 record was an estrogen enema, but let this video of my pre-game promise scour away your disgusting weakness.

**

And to my Longhorn Network, the station that will mount the world...

I will also pledge a gift.

I will give it the Golden Hat that a Sooner's mother-sister had its Wave Runner repossessed upon.

I will give it the Seven Corn Dogs of Red River victory.

I, Scipio, will do this.

I will take my tailgate North to the Cotton Bowl and ride wooden ferris wheels on oceans of bourbon.

With blood alcohol levels no Longhorn has attained before.

I will punch a Sooner wearing ironed overalls on Commerce Street and tear down his manufactured home.

I will not touch their women for fear of hepatitis, but I will use their children like Indonesian labor and bring their broken Stoops bobble heads back to Aus-Dothrak.

This, I vow.

I, Scipio, son of Bevo.

I swear this before Mount Bonnell...

As the stars at night, big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas, look down in witness.

As the stars look down in witness.

Hook 'em.