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2011 Kansas Football Preview: Jayhawk State of the Union

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If it isn’t obvious who lost the BC office Game of Thrones, then go read and leave me the hell alone. Someone had to stage a coup d’état to steal my Baylor assignment from me. Now I feel like some stupid third world dictator that didn’t know he wasn’t king until the bullet passed through his brain.

Anyway, the Kansas era post-Mangino is the bottom of the SOTU barrel. Sailor canceled the whole thing last year out of grief from the loss of Mangino jokes. Kansas doesn’t suck enough to be Iowa State funny and you don’t have the intertubes winning logo orgy to mine. Baylor comes with Waco, dancing, suckiness, and the fact that Aggie calls them Bible-tard. Kansas State cryogenically froze its head coach then brought him back. Visionary lawmakers in the nineteenth century created Texas A&M solely for the bemusement of Texas fans.

Kansas is the least interesting team in the Big 12-(2+1)+X (where X equals whatever the hell Deloss Dodds tells Dan Beebe to do). I am calling it the Big Algebra because numbers make my head hurt.

Turner Gill returns as head coach coming off a 3-9 season that included a complete implosion in Big Algebra play. Some say Gill is a helluva coach and nice guy. Some say he is Mangino’s amuse bouche before he sits down to ingest whole fried steer and intravenous Big Red syrup. (It would be wildly irresponsible not to keep hitting up Mangino.)

The 2011 Kansas Football Media Guide is 212 beautiful, digital, color, glossy pages of hope, dreams, ambiguity, hidden NCAA violations and too many white guys. The cover starts off this dreamwagon ride by clicking its ruby slippers and saying “BELIEVE”. That’s all we got, Rock Chalk marketing team? BELIEVE that Kansas will be playing in the Heartland Conference with traditional enemy Creighton in two years? BELIEVE that firing Jabba the Coach was the worst coaching employment decision in a year when Tech fired Mike Leach and USC hired Lane Kiffin? I believe in you, Peter Pan.

2010 and Statistics

Turner Gill has a lot of work ahead of him to right the capsized gravy boat left by Mark Mangino. In 2010, after an impressive home loss to FCS North Dakota State by the SEC inspired score of 6-3, Rock Chalk rebounded with a strong 28-25 win over ranked Georgia Tech at home. I remember this because I bet heavily on KU thinking that nobody from the ACC should be giving two touchdowns to Mangino at home. This confirms a commonly held notion around the editorial desk: I am an imbecile.

After a loss to Southern Miss and a win against the real Aggies of New Mexico St, KU got mauled in conference play by an average count of 41-9 for a thrilling 1-7 Big Algebra record.

To further illustrate the 500 gallon gooey vat of suck that was KU football last year and in honor of my loathing for Huck5000’s statistical diatribes, I have created my own statistical model, and named it The Oread Boom King Audible Wail Binomial Index or TOBKAWBI for short.

The TOBKAWBI takes the headlines from the posts categorized Football at Oread Boom Kings and assigns a -1 for negative and a 0 for neutral/positive.

Let’s run the numbers:

Post Mortem: NDSU = -1
The first line of the post was “If ever there was a time to use that title, this is it.”

Post Mortem: Georgia Tech = 0
I am giving them Neutral on this. Here is your first line for tone, “A lot of people picked Kansas to be 1-1 after the first two games. Very few had them going in this sequence.”

What Kind of Team Are We? Don’t Ask Turner Gill = -1
This is the beginning of a pattern.

And we thoughts NDSU was rock bottom . . . = -1
They aren’t capitalizing or proof reading the titles anymore. This has escalated quickly. Or the opposite of what I said. You understand.

How We Get Back to .500 = 0
Now that Jayhawk is Rock Chalking. Attaway to get your groove back boys. There is nothing like fighting your way back to .500. Hypothetically.

And we thought Baylor was rock bottom . . . = -1
Well, they did master the verb 'thought', which shows a lot of spunk, but the caps are gone again. This could get ugly.

Finally, some good news . . . = -1
While this gives the appearance of the positive with the literal connotation of the words, we see, again, a lack of caps and the ominous ellipsis. Folks, we know what that means. First line is, “The Kansas @ Iowa State Game on October 30th will not be televised.” Ouch. Sorry, pal.

Kick US While We Are Down Why Don’t You = -1
The National Guard has been mobilized to confiscate all the shoe laces in Lawrence, KS.

Surrender Helmets? = -1
The fact that fans want the players to continue the season without cranial protection bodes poorly for 2011 season ticket sales.

That Didn’t Take Long = -1.
Basketball season was declared on October 25th. At Texas, fans would never . . . [inhales, sighs 5-7].

Good News Jayhawk Fans = -1
[Sing song up the scale] The Nebraska game is on TV! [Sing song down the scale] For 39.95 from Fox, dum dum dum¡¡¡ (Unexclamation points, get it?)

Well, That Was Interesting = 0
The OBK guys ended their season of blogging on a positive note, this being the last game related post for the 2010 season. Unfortunately for KU, there were three more weeks of football.

Let’s run the numbers through the trusty abacus, shall we? KU’s season indexed a -9 on the TOBKAWBI’s pejorative scale. That is quite bad, really. In fact, that is the lowest index score (also highest, mean, and median) in the history of college football. I think this demonstrates without a doubt that KU sucked pungent, cheesy, donkey testicles last year. And, really, I defy you stathead dorks to attack this conclusion. I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU!

2011 Outlook

The 2011 Kansas Jayhawks lost 24 letterman and 10 starters, but must temper their enthusiasm because of the 41 letterman and 15 starters (7 offense, 8 defense, 0 specialists) returning for more savage beatings.

On defense, Kansas returns three defensive tackles that backpedal like the furious and poorly conceived hybridization of Nnamdi Asomugha and a Republican Presidential Candidate; two run stopping corners, a former running back playing DE, a safety named Lubbock, a senior letterman bowling ball at Sam, and a partridge in a pear tree. I am anointing the spun down safety RS Soph WLB Prinz Kande as the up-and- comer based on taxonomic awesomosity and his 2009 KU Defensive Scout Team Player of the Week v. UTEP award. (Seriously, check digital page 61 of the media guide).

On offense, KU returns, from right tackle to offensive center the nameplate partners of the Topeka, KS law firm: Hatch, Hawkinson & Zlatnik. Hawkinson’s major is pre-sport management, which threatens players amateurism and he has what appears to be a blond Jew-Fro. Runaway program! At LT you have the behemoth 6-6 325 lb JR Jeff Spikes who missed 2010 with a leg injury and should provide a large if immobile obstacle. Left Guard is a 6-2 293 lb gnocchi named Marringelli from Westwood. Their strategic resemblance to the Maginot Line is striking and unfortunate.

At the skill positions, KU returns SO James Sims and his high top fade. Sims is solid and carried the offense for very, very short periods last year with 742 yards on 168 attempts for 4.4 per and 9 TDs. He only started 4 games and played not at all in that classic tilt v. the NDSU Thundercats. He probably needs the ball more. At WR they return SR Daymond Patterson. Players not returning: Hope and Joy.

The Jayhawk’s long search for the next Todd Reesing is over. Union, MO sophomore Jordan Webb is the slowest, whitest, shortest option they have at quarterback. FR Brock Berglund got put on timeout by Coach Gill and SR Quinn Mecham was expected to continue his average play through at least the 2011 season and quite possibly beyond. TBA.

In 9 games last year, Webb was 121 of 214 for 1195 yards at a 56.5% clip with 7 TDs against 8 picks. This is obviously not stellar, but he was 18 of 29 for 179 and 3 scores against Georgia Tech. He showed some flashes in his redshirt freshman season (in which he won zero scout team awards). I think the kid has a little moxie. If they can keep him clean and run the ball a little . . . I am blowing sunshine up your ass.
On special teams they return zero kicking and returning type persons. Deshaun Sands was a candidate at returner but he has been dismissed from the team (Which part of that did I make up?). I predict inconsistent putridity.

2011 Schedule

9-3 v. McNeese State
9-10 v. Northern Illinois
9-17 @ Georgia Tech
10-1 v. Sand Aggy
10-8 @ Day Glo Orange Aggy
10-15 v. Land Thieves
10-22 v. Kansas State
10-29 @ Texas
11-5 @ Iowa State
11-12 v. Bible Aggy
11-19 @ SEC Aggy
11-26 v. Mizzou

There are no gimmes for a team that lost to North Dakota State University. But, I will give the Jayhawks McNeese (with reservation, they could get frisky), NIU, and . . . I can’t make a cogent argument for why they would win a single Big Algebra game. Sorry, dudes.

But, I will bet on the come anyway and give the Kansas Jayhawks a dissatisfying yet consistent 3-9.

KU hired Turner Gill hoping that he could bring some of his witchy coaching magic from Buffalo. Unfortunately, he brought some of the traditional Buffalo success, pre-Gill, instead. If there isn’t a massive turnaround in competitiveness (the only conference game they had a chance to win was Colorado) then 2011 should be Turner Gill’s last year.

If I were Kansas, I would be sending Mike Leach some tickets to scalp right now.