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The Texas Leviathan: Why We Must Stomp the Aggies

In Leviathan, Thomas Hobbes famously described the plight of man in his natural state, uninformed and uncivilized.

He said:

“In such condition, there is no place for industry, because the fruit thereof is uncertain: and consequently no culture of the earth, no navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by sea; no commodious building; no instruments of moving, and removing, such things as require much force; no knowledge of the face of the earth, no account of time; no arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.”

To summarize: College Station.  A place without culture or arts, without society or industry, without letters or navigation, a place that is entirely devoid of what most of us consider humanity.  A place for aggies.

Let me tell you a little bit about them:

  • These people do not walk on grass because, somehow, that offends the spirit of the military dead or something.
  • These people fetishize Collie dogs, celebrating their deaths with elaborate funerals and a whole pet cemetery.

But Heather, I have already bought you dinner twice -- can't we at least try third base?

  • These people respond to handsigns and calisthenics delivered by men wearing white coveralls who look like the attendants in some animal operating room or the set moving crew at a wedding convention.
  • These people inexplicably identify with the “Old Army” (presumably the one with no gays and segregated units?) despite being an ostensibly public institution of learning.
  • These people call themselves “farmers,” sowing and reaping monocultural fascism rather than crops I'd guess.
  • These people willing grasp their own testicles during football games.

  • These people like to stand and touch each other (in a VERY masculine manner) while vigorously rocking back and forth semi-rhythmically and celebrating their culture of envying the University of Texas.
  • These people exaggerate a southern accent while participating in ritual football chants.
  • These people support and nurture an internal community of college kids whose highest and best hopes as seniors involve wearing custom jackboots and carrying a sword while “Elephant Walking.”

Oh, we're going to hump something alright . . .

  • These people have elevated the inherent homoeroticism of men carrying and then throwing other men into a fountain of water into a football-related ritual.

    Merman -- I'm a Mer-man.
  • These people celebrate shaved heads, presumably as badges of lice-free status in a place of questionable hygiene.
  • These people fear the overt sexuality and licentiousness of female cheerleaders.

Jazz Hands!!!

  • These people get “fired up” when men tell other men to “hump it.”
  • These people have a faux-martial marching band, complete with faux-martial outfits, that apparently only knows one song.

  • These people love Christian rock.
  • These people smell disturbingly like either Old Spice or Aqua Velva, at least in groups.
  • These people only admitted women to their school in the 60’s; it’s arguable whether this concession has actually yielded results since then.
  • These people still love Garth Brooks.
  • These people thought “Hands on a Hard Body” was a documentary about a typical high school “After Prom.”
  • These people celebrate a culture of male jewelry.

Nice ring, guy.

  • These people will keep pleated Dockers around indefinitely.
  • These people have a wide stance.

It is impossible to capture all of the strange aspects of the cult-like barrenness that surrounds the agricultural school in College Station (No, not Blinn – the one without the football tradition).  Suffice it to say, they are doing their dead-level best to stand in the way of progress and produce a continual army of Rick Perrys.  They are the reason why the great State of Texas is frequently mocked internationally.

While I understand that a childhood of castrating animals can lead to a certain callousness, I have never heard a rational explanation for this:

In short, these people are not like us.  Not at all.  And they must be stopped.  Sure, over the history of the game it’s barely been a rivalry (they have a healthy 31.6% winning percentage against us, WHOOP!), but if we don’t stomp the hell out of them this game we will have to hear about it for awhile since we aren’t going to play them anymore.  With typical aggie foresight, they have chosen to identify themselves with the Ol’ Miss Rebels and the South Carolina Gamecocks rather than the teams that they have regularly played over the last 100 years.  Suits me.

I am tired of pretending like their school and its weird little traditions matter.  I’m well past tired of hearing them talk.  Hobbes believed there was only one solution to backwardness.  The Leviathan – an entity with a wholesale monopoly on authority and the exercise of power – must step in and bring light to the darkness, end the brutality of the unwashed savages, and impose order on the chaos.  We are the Leviathan.  Let’s impose some order on this shit: