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We Learned Nothing That We Didn't Already Know: College Football Week 7 in Review

A review the current state of American college football.

Ronald Martinez - Getty Images

I didn't want to write a summary of this weekend's games for obvious reasons. Saturday's abomination was embarrassing, painful, and downright disgusting. At halftime, I had to get some air, so I walked over to the park near my apartment where there are always a large amount of dogs frolicking and doing dog things. This is normally good for a chuckle or two and some warm fuzzy feelings. I sat down on a bench and demanded that the pets of strangers make me better as any rational person would do. Romping about was a beautiful Great Pyrenees, a very regal-looking animal who also seemed to be good-natured. As the warm sun beamed down on this noble creature, something terrible happened. This ugly, snaggle-toothed mutt about a quarter of the size of the Great Pyrenees came streaking across the park, promptly tackled my friend and began humping him mercilessly. The Pyrenees kept trying to escape but was far too passive and friendly to realize that if he simply bowed up and snapped at the mutt, the humping would stop. He didn't, and the mutt continued to dominate him until my friend quietly acquiesced, rolled onto his stomach, and accepted the fact that the mutt owned him through and through. So is life for the Texas football fan. I'm tired of getting humped by ugly mongrels.

  • The 2012 Alabama team could easily be cast as the monster in any horror movie, but what monster would they be? The horrible violence perpetrated on the young college students of the opposing team makes me think they are a classic slasher villain, but Nick Saban is too intelligent and manipulative to be a simple, mute killer. The Crimson Tide is a demonic force that will torture your soul for eternity (at least they make 60 minutes of football feel that way).
  • The Gamecocks of South Carolina went down to Baton Rouge and lost a hard fought game to Les Miles and his minions. The talking heads of ESPN proclaimed that the Cocks have been exposed as what they truly are. If they were implying that South Carolina was a team that could fight tooth and nail with a strong LSU team and take it down to the wire in a night game at Death Valley, then, yes, I guess they were exposed. I don't think that is what they were implying and that's reason #8,536 on my list of "Why I hate College Football" this week.
  • The Mountaineers went to Lubbock and had their dream season tarnished by their Texan alter-ego. Several excuses can be made for West Virginia's performance on Saturday: 1) Texas Tech's defense includes semi-functional linebackers, 2) Holgo was hung-over from spending all of Friday night worshipping at the Mike Leach memorial and NOT drinking, 3) the faint smell of cow manure in the Lubbock air threw off Geno Smith's senses as he requires whiffs of burnt furniture to operate at optimal levels.
  • Kansas State out-efforted Paul Rhoads' Cyclones 27-21 in a battle of well-coached, disciplined teams that may lack elite talent but make up for their deficiencies with well-crafted game plans and a willingness to play physical football. Both teams will mudhole Texas, but they will be very polite in doing so.
  • Ohio State will most likely finish the season 12-0. They will be 12-0 despite running a bedazzled Wing-T offense with only one dynamic playmaker and a defense now anchored by a fullback who was converted to a MLB mid-game. Urban Meyer can coach football anywhere and with any roster, but he will never do so in Austin.
  • The Aggies played some good ole' fashioned SEC football in a brutal defensive slug-fest against Louisiana Tech and emerged triumphant 59-57! Johnny Manziel racked up 576 yards of total offense and celebrated by getting the Whataburger logo tattooed on his ass.
  • Tommy Rees threw a game-winning TD pass as the Irish triumphed over Stanford in overtime. Stanford fans were disappointed when they announced the score during the telecast of the water polo game. They then looked out the window and thanked Gaiea that they don't live in Indiana.