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Tote Bags & Tiaras: Pre Turkey Coma Edition

What are we thankful for? Hmmm ... we'll have to get back to you.

"Gratitude is the guilt of the unworthy" ~ Clipper Cooper


That was back in 2009 when we were riding tall in the swagger wagon, named the score against any conference opponent not named Kansas State, and were ramping up for another national championship run that got abruptly derailed by a most unrighteous lineman for Alabama named Marcel Dareus. Had Colt not been injured and Texas prevailed, Mack Brown would have retired with two rings, legacy firmly intact, and Will Muschamp is our head coach right now.

I am told this did not happen. Since then, we've been humbled by uderachievement in all facets of Longhorn sports, from the collective apathy of our baseball and basketball teams, to spectacular bedshittings by the football team.

Even a win over a division 2 basketball team cannot be taken for granted anymore.

So what exactly are we grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day? That's never changed -- the health of our friends and family. The big shit. In sports? These days we are grateful for a victory. In any event. On any day. Against any opponent. Fading back to the mean has a way of illuminating what really matters.

And I will gladly pour a vat of congealed gravy over my head if we beat TCU today.



Johnny Manziel | QB | Texas A&M

Divorce yourself from the notion that rooting for an A&M player is dirty. They're in another conference now. They've never been a real threat to us. The same is not true for OU and you should take a bleach bath for celebrating any Sooner achievement, team or individual. But it's hard not to enjoy watching what Johnny Manziel has pulled off in his freshman campaign for the Aggies. His numbers trump every other Heisman candidate. And he gets in bar fights, parties in Scooby suits with hot co-eds (perfect 10 actually, must have been imported), and plays like he's the baddest dude on the field in every game. And most of the time he has been. This benevolent gesture may very well never happen again, but JonnehFoobaw is rocking a Tote Bag and wearing it well.

Big 12 Third String QBs

Iowa State double backup QB Sam Richardson completed 23 of 27 passes for 250 yards and four touchdowns en route to destroying the Jayhawks 51-23 in Lawrence. You're on notice, Steele Jantz. As you have been since the day you were named.

Okie State third stringer Clint Chelf only completed 11 passes in the Cowboys' rout of Texas Tech, but three of those were bombs to Isaiah Anderson (4/174/3) and he finished with 229 yards at a ridiculous 21 yards per completion.

Maybe Texas should start Connor Brewer against K. State.

Tavon Austin | All Around Badass | West Virginia

This is getting a bid ridiculous. Austin has held a spot on this column nearly every week this year and is should be getting much more Heisman love. Unfortunately that's hard to come by when your team goes on a smoove ass five game skid in the middle of conference play. Austin got his first start at RB against Oklahoma and was given two plays, run right and run left. The result? 21 carries, 344 yards and 2 TDs. Throw in another 80 through the air and more than 100 on KO returns and that's 500 yards of offense against one of the best defenses in the league. Aaaaand ... the Mountaineers lost by one. That's life in Morgantown these days. Austin could probably use a vacation in New York.

Lache Seastrunk | RB | Baylor

This was very hard to type, given Seastrunk's lifelong predilection towards dipshit'ry, but sometimes you have to let the numbers tell the tale. Or video.

After gaining a total of 172 yards through the months of September and October, our favorite (street) agent provocateur has racked up 491 total yards (388 rushing, 103 receiving) and scored five touchdowns in the month of November. I see no reason why Texas can't replicate that effort on the ground against K. State next week. WE OWN THAT TOWN. How long does Art Briles stay in Waco? What is a giblet, anyway?



Only because it's amusing to see Nick Saban in a position of weakness, emasculated, mortal if only for a brief moment. These moments are so rare that they must be eulogized, even if he would like to forget Johnny Manziel marching up and down Bryant Denny Stadium like it was his personal gym. And did you notice Saban doing his best Mack Clap on the sideline as the score increased against his favor? The clapping grows proportionately with the score differential. Textbook stuff. Since that day two weeks ago, Saban has sacrificed at least three humans, two assistants, a mouthy parakeet and the entire Western Carolina football team; which Bama thumped 49-0 last weekend. But we'll always have that shot of you in the tiara, Coach.

Kansas State

Weeks spent ranked number 1? One. Favored by double digits at home against the worst defense in the nation, K. State never got rolling and found itself down 3 TDs in the second quarter. To Baylor. You had to see it to believe it and Bryan Harsin will be watching a lot of that tape next week. Klein is clearly playing injured and has a bye week to get healthy before Texas rolls into Manhattan on December 1.

Big 10 Football

Iowa has lost five straight, despite having a Frank Broyles award winner as offensive coordinator. Michigan State has lost five games by a combined 13 points. Ohio State averaged 3 yards per play in its win against Wisconsin. Who watches this shit? Half of the country, every Saturday, at 11 a.m. By adding Rutgers and Maryland, the Big 10 has assured its average product will remain intact for decades to come.


Well done.

Week 13 Lineups

(click on the links for Statmilk matchups)

Texas vs TCU | 11/22 @ 6:30 p.m. | ABC

West Virginia @ Iowa State | 11/23 @ 2:30 p.m. | ABC

Baylor vs Texas Tech | 11/24 @ 2:30 p.m. (Cowboys Stadium) | FSN

Oklahoma State @ Oklahoma | 11/24 @ 2:30 p.m. | ABC

Happy Thanksgiving, Barkers. May the Tryptophan be with you.