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John Rieger-USA TODAY Sports

On Saturday, the Longhorns will face the Kansas Jayhawks -- a team that last year came within one play of giving Mack Brown the most humiliating loss of his career. What are the keys to a Texas victory this time around?

  • Rely on clock-chewing, run-heavy drives to keep Case McCoy off the field.
  • Taunt Kansas players by saying "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto," a clever reference to two Grammy-winning progressive rock bands.
  • The true secret to victory lies within yourself. To find it, get a scalpel and some latex gloves and start digging around in there.
  • Head coach Charlie Weis will give the Jayhawks a decided schematic advantage, which is football-speak for "snowball's chance in hell."
  • Winning is important, but winning with class is critical. Be sure to wear a top hat and monocle at all times during the game.
  • Kansas's players are all smaller, weaker, slower, and less coordinated than Texas's players. Figure out some way to turn that into an advantage.
  • When Texas has the ball, attempt to score touchdowns or, at the very least, field goals. When Kansas has the ball, attempt to prevent Kansas from doing either of those things.
  • Football games are won in the trenches. So don't forget to dig a deep, readily-defensible trench at the 30 yard-line before the game begins.
  • Just show up.