Austin, Texas (AP) - A somber Mack Brown addressed the media today, apologizing for the Texas Longhorns' embarrassing 66-17 loss to bitter rival Oklahoma next month.
"I want to apologize to all Texas fans in advance," said a visibly-shaken Brown. "66-17 is unacceptable. I'm as disappointed as anybody about how the team will play against Oklahoma on October 12. But you can't look back at next month's loss and torture yourself with ‘What ifs?' You have to move on."
After brief introductory remarks, Brown donned reading glasses and read from a list of shocking statistics from the upcoming game. Brown reported that the Sooners will rush for 430 yards, pass for another 320, sack the Texas quarterback six times, and force four turnovers.
"We have to protect the ball better than we will," reported Brown.
Despite those startling numbers, the statistics will not be all bad for Texas.
"We'll have three explosive plays and Anthony Fera will average 4.3 seconds of hang time on eight of his twelve punts," reported Brown. "So we'll feel like we're getting close in several areas."
According to Coach Brown, his football team's upcoming lackluster performance against its fiercest rival will come as a surprise to the coaching staff.
"Nobody sees it coming," said Brown. "As coaches and players at Texas, you go into every game expecting to win. So we're all going to be shocked next month, when we lose to Oklahoma by 49 points."
Brown is no stranger to blowout losses against the Sooners. Oklahoma has beaten Texas by 38 points or more four times during Brown's career, not including next month's 49-point rout. When asked why the Longhorns will endure yet another lopsided defeat against a rebuilding Oklahoma team, Coach Brown threw up his hands.
"I don't know exactly what we'll do wrong to allow Oklahoma to beat us," admitted Brown. "I'll have to go back and watch the tape, which I won't be able to do until October, after we lose the game."
"But, whatever the specific reason turns out to be, one thing's for sure: the players and coaches won't do our job," said Brown. "And that's on me."
But Brown will not be entirely to blame for his team's looming 66-17 defeat, according to Brown. Other factors the Texas coach believes will play a role in Texas's latest embarrassment include poor execution by the players, lack of preparation by assistant coaches, suboptimal hotel accommodations, distracting Longhorn Network obligations, gloomy cloud cover and/or blinding sunlight, the inequitable distribution of tackling plaguing American society, negative nellies, social media, option football, that one punt return for a touchdown that just killed us, the Rothschilds, and trying too hard.
And always classy in defeat, Coach Brown credited Oklahoma for their preparation and inspired play.
"You have to give credit to Oklahoma," said Brown. "They'll show up with a sound game plan, and their guys will play hard and execute."
"Oklahoma will do what they need to win," added Brown. "But we won't."