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In an effort to better acquaint our readership with the history and culture of our more far-flung road opponents, Barking Carnival proudly presents a somewhat researched and possibly accurate list of lesser known facts about upcoming teams and cities. This week: Kansas State University in beautiful extant Manhattan, Kansas.

Masonic Coaches

Shown here in the 1911 KSU media guide, the coaching leadership boasts an average age of 829 years, a number brought down considerably by Dana Dimel.

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Many people mistakenly refer to Kansas State's remote geography as "flyover country", but this dismissive categorization couldn't be further from the truth. In actuality, the university is so desolate that it's not located between any two notable destinations, and as such, there are no known instances of a commercial aircraft ever having flown over. Local residents have adopted this as a point of pride, going so far as to divert the flight plans of all crop-dusting planes that take off from the regional airstrip/cattle grazing pasture.

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Kansas State first began playing football in the mid-1700's, though no official records exist prior to the creation of the High Order of Midweste Footedball in 1803. Since leaving the original conference in the late 1800's, the Wildcats have beaten Texas over 300 times. As far as historians are aware, the Longhorns have never won in Manhattan.

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Despite its modest size, Manahattan ranks a respectable 18th in the Midwest in the vital Applebee's per Capita statistic. Often cited as a correlating factor in the establishment of strong agribusiness and staid insurance corporation sectors, the city boasts a robust 1.3 Applebee's for every man, woman and child. Each year, over eight thousand tons of heavily sauced chicken popper wonton taco towers are consumed at the campus locations alone.

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Willie the Wildcat is not a typical person wearing a plush costume head, as most would expect. Rather, he is an elderly former sideshow performer with a grotesque medical condition and no costume props to speak of. Owing to a litany of unsavory criminal violations, Willie has been confined to house arrest at the stadium for several decades, and will be required to introduce himself to his neighbors if and when he is eventually paroled.

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The origins of EMAW are not well documented, but it's generally agreed to have begun circa 1915-1917 in the tweets and email signatures of Marcel Duchamp, Hugo Ball and Tristan Tzara. Despite its capitalization, EMAW is not an acronym, and has no actual definition. It is, rather, a rejection of traditional meaning, defiant in its absurdity. As Marsden Hartley wrote in his 1921 essay The Importance of Being EMAW, "EMAW smells of nothing, nothing, nothing. It is like your hopes: nothing. Like your paradise: nothing." It seems pretty depressing, to be perfectly honest with you.

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Bill Snyder is a certified warlock, capable of changing his form at will to suit his whims. He selects this particular skin suit because you do not fear it, and that is a terrible, terrible mistake on your part.

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To save time and build loyalty with recruits, all scholarship offers are presented in the form of pre-filled credit transfer forms. An extensive database is maintained that maps the courses of thousands of junior colleges to the appropriate degrees at Kansas State, including a B.A. in Introduction to Creative Writing, and a doctoral program in Choosing the Major That's Right for You.

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Bill Snyder Family Stadium is, as the name implies, a mixed use facility featuring football games, midway amusements, carnival rides, and a fantastic musical theater production daily at 3:30 and 5:00. Financed through federal subsidies, the stadium is constructed entirely of a biodegradable building material made from compressed wheat and corn byproduct, and must be completely rebuilt after major floods. Which are frequent.

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The name "Manhattan" is a portmanteau of the Latin words for "bleak, tornado-ravaged hellscape" and "unlimited jalapeno poppers".