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Police Blotter: Love is in the Err

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How not to get laid on the 40 Acres

I haven't done one of these since the first one, in part because of a certain incident involving an Ole Miss fan and the misfortune that he met with after the game, but also because, uh ... Longhorns?  Can we talk?

Your crimes mostly suck.  No creativity at all.  There are only so many jokes to be made from drunk driving (not advisable) and being a public pothead (not advisable for non-musicians), and I figure they've already been done.  I get the impression that even UTPD is bored with your crap.  Gone are their wisecracks, along with most of their commas and hyphens.  They're probably down at 'The 138,' drinking boilermakers and comparing pension plans, and it's all your fault.  No one can work with this.

This week, however, I'm detecting a certain ... flavor to the offenses that have drawn the attention of the 40 Acres' Finest, and it does not reflect well on the manhood of central Texas.  That's the bad news.  The good news is that neither one of these guys appears to be an actual or current Longhorn.


Harassment: A UT Student friended a non-UT subject on a popular social networking site as the two had several common friends listed on the site. The non-UT subject began to send the student several unwanted messages through the site and via cell phone texts. The student attempted to "unfriend" the subject on the social networking site. The subject showed up at the student's class in Gregory Gym and demanded she speak with him. The student ran from the area. Occurred between 09/22/14 and 02/06/14.

Son, let me show you where you went wrong.  Facebook.  I know it has to be Facebook, because they're the guys who turned "friend" into a verb online, for those who don't have one as a noun in meatspace.  But seriously:  Facebook?  The last time a young man, like yourself, went a-courtin' his girl in full view of his grandparents and highschool ex-girlfriends, it was in a time before automobiles and facemasks.  There was no "Crossfit™" back then, all they had was something called "work." And sending a pic of your willy to your intended would have involved a Stereoöpticon and probably a trip upstate.

There is a not-so-fine line between "pursuing" a woman, where she wants your attention, and "stalking" her, where she wants a protection order.  Pursuing a girl to Gregory that you met on Facebook is the wrong approach.  You must be thinking of an assignation in the basement of Rainey Hall with a guy you met on Grindr.  And now, so is every straight guy who is reading this, which is why they hate you.

So, there was nothing to make your dick pick stand out from the lumber yard that is your average college's girl's phone?  Deal with it.  Whoever said "the camera adds ten pounds" was not talking about your schwanzstucker.  And when Pick-Up Artists talk about "initiate, isolate, escalate," they probably didn't imagine chasing her up the fake rock wall or around the racquetball courts.  James Bond gets laid that way. You are not James Bond.  How do I know this?  Because James Bond is not on Facebook.  Put her in the spank bank and move on.

Oh, and delete your account, because you're that guy now.

That said, Facebook fapper has nothing, nothing on this next guy.

2600 Whitis

Suspicious Activity: A UT Student reported being approached by a male subject in a white car as she walked from Guadalupe Street to the 2600 Block of Whitis. The subject asked the student where the Chemical Petroleum Engineering (CPE) Building was located. The subject told the student to enter his car so she could show him where the CPE building was located and stopped his car near the student. The student did not get into the car and left the area. The subject was described as a Middle Eastern male with a moderate accent, 25- 30 years old, with a thin build, no facial hair and wearing a white, short sleeve, collared shirt and blue jeans. The subject was driving an older model four door sedan that was white in color and had a "boxy" shape. Occurred on 02/07/14 between 4:10 PM and 4:20 PM.

Yeah, there's nothing that melts a young woman's butter like the thought of petroleum engineering.  All those pipes, intertwining and spurting out ... petroleum products.  Damn, dude, why didn't you just tell her you were looking for a lost puppy?  That might make up for dressing like Steve Dallas and driving a Kia.

But where you really blew it was when you telegraphed that you weren't serious about her.  How do I know?  The same way that she knew you weren't serious about her:  you didn't bring your wedding sack.

Once she realized you were not going to whisk her away to a magical land where you would provide her with a lifetime supply of laundry and theologically-justified marginalization, backseat puppy/petroleum nookie was out of the question.  I blame feminism.

That was just last week, folks, in the space of two days:  Thursday (aka "Irish Friday") and then the Friday-Friday after that.  Men from lesser colleges and pencil-necks from countries ending in "-istan" who can't find their ass with both hands are coming after Texas women.  And who could blame them?  Our women are pretty, they don't use ice delays to skip classes, and they're not falling for this shit anymore.  So take your weak-ass game back to MySpace before a Texas guy decides to go all Heartbreak Mohel on your ass before calling UTPD.