Texas Pregamer: UCLA

The Suspension is Killing me:

So that happened. Against BYU. Again. I thought Mormons were supposed to be nice. Must be all that pent up...rage. We knew that we were in for an uphill climb this year with Ash and a jerry-rigged O...and we don't even have that anymore. Truly, this is the darkest timeline.

There's no point in looking back. Not here anyway. This was our BYU bump. I'm sure the next guys will be much easier. #12 UCLA? Oh boy.

We head into Dallas for what's bound to be...

[STRONGMOD: Jprizzle has been suspended from PREGAMER due to inactivity]

Ok look. Sure, the ‘Priz has missed his share of practices this past month. The guy just had a baby (congratulations, btw). He's got a lot of talent, and we could certainly use the offensive firepower.

Oh well. Next man up. This column doesn't rebuild. We reload.

[STRONGMOD: TejasChaos has been suspended from PREGAMER for copyright infringement]

Well shitcakes.

FINE. Don't care. Don't need him. If he's not willing to follow team rules we are better off without that pixel-pushing cancer. I know for a fact he lives spitting distance from UCLA. Enjoy your Santa Monica sunshine, traitor!!1!

How much work can a couple of stupid Gifs be anyway? I can drop cats on things. I know the "memes."

Where were we?

It's a good thing Taysom Hill is the only Heisman-caliber, dual-threat QB we'll be facing this season. (Oh...Hundley and Petty are both on the shortlist? And Trevor Knight looks like a crimson Eric Crouch?)

Well at least he's the only one that is bigger than most of our linebackers!...you're telling me Brett Hundley is an inch taller and, depending on breakfast, about 5 pounds away from Hill?

No that's not terrifying at all.

[STRONGMOD: VY Pump Fake has been suspended from PREGAMER due to suspicious foreign I.P. address]

Wait - wasn't Ripley kidding about that one?!

We talked about this. HE LIVES IN CHINA, geez. I always assumed it would be uttering the words "Tiananmen Square" that spelled his end.

Well, I'm not fazed. #letsride with what we got. Though UCLA has been an awful foe in the past, they have also brought forth the most unqualified and unlikeliest of heroes.

So suspend all you want, cruel world. Suspend the framework of Mack Brown's house (life imitating Chuck). Eject the practice of Mormonism. Permanently remove ribs from Franklin BBQ menu (they're so underrated!). Suspend our Board of Regents (yea, but, seriously). This is TEXAS FOOTBALL baby. The one thing you can't suspend is belief.

Hook ‘Em H...

[STRONGMOD: Kyle Carpenter has been suspended from PREGAMER for unBEARable sexiness and jokes so funny they have shut down parts of the internet.]

OFFENSIVE LINE PREVIEW

BREAKING - The intrepid reporters at The Texas Pregamer pulled a few strings and broke a few windows to get our hands on some insider knowledge straight from Coach Wick's personal O-Line journal (yes, it is fur-lined).

Here's an inside look at some out of the box players you may see lining up this Saturday:

E. Honda

• Excellent hands.
• Very coachable for someone who doesn't speak English.
• Jersey sales in Osaka Co-Op would likely skyrocket.
• Eligible; Illegal street fights hardly count as organized sport.
• Part time car wash/car salesman job has never been an issue.

via Asset Soup

The World's Most Interesting Center

• His snaps inspire beat poetry.
• Linebackers rush to his defense.
• He misses nothing but your company
• When he pulls, it tugs at your heartstrings.

Bane

• Didn't adopt Pat Moorer's Pit.
• Was born in the Pit.
• Was molded by it.
• Note: terrible center. Has trouble calling out protections audibly.
• Explosive on Kick Returns

That Fat Kid from the Goonies

• Already has a fat guy touchdown dance.
• Scouting report may be dated.

via www.zenestex.com

The Mountain that Rides

• Mean streak our O line craves.
• Might require redshirt season.
• Jim Irsay already tried that.

(The one on the right)

Better Know a Roster

• Steven Manfro (RB, RJr.) - My disappointment when I found him to have a buzzcut.

• Fabian Moreau (DB, Jr.) - The guy's built-in island nickname absolutely puts Darrelle Revis to shame.

• Mossi Johnson (REC, Fr.) - It sounds like one of those old mafia film nicknames. I imagine Humphrey Bogart "Yea, this is Mossi, see? He'll be the new Wide Receiver, see?"

• Kenny Orjioke (LB, Jr.) - His name is pronounced "Orgy-okay?"

• Eddie Vanderdoes (DL, So.) - The Eddie Vanderdoes what Eddie Vanderwantsto.

• Giovanni Gentosi (OL, Fr.) - most likely to hire Mossi Johnson to tend his family's "vacuum cleaner" repair "store."

• Librado Barocio (DB, RSr.) - one of the vaunted dual-threat DB/Operatic Tenors.

• Randall Goforth (DB, Jr.) - It was either Mary Shelley in Frankenstein or Jesus in The Bible who said "Go forth and prosper/go forth and multiply." The Brits cheekily (do they do anything without an ample amount of cheek?) use the phrase to mean "fornicate yourself."

• Mike Fafaul (QB, RSo.) - Not since Tom Brady have football and chickpeas gone together so deliciously.

• Ka'imi Fairbairn (PK, Jr.) - full name is literally, no bullshit: John Christian Ka'iminoeauloameka'ikeokekumupa'a Fairbairn

• Priest Willis (DB, So.) - Never know what he's talkin ‘bout. But it's always delivered in perfect iambic pentameter.

• Alex Staff (DB, RFr.) and Jake Jules (LB, Fr.) - the young Staff and Jules may not play much, but they need to stay ready, not hanging limply on the sideline.

• Jerry Neuheisel (QB, RSo.) - merit-based scholarship.

• Asiantii Woulard (QB, RFr.) - Scouting report from coach Mora: "He's ALWAYS ON TIME. I'm MESMERIZED by this kid. Just last week he was riding IN THE BACK SEAT OF MY YUKON on a recruiting trip to the SOUTHSIDE. I thought I'd hop on the 405 to the 105 then take that to the 110. I love that route. But Asiantii reasoned with me, ‘WHAT'S LUV GOT TO DO WIT IT? I'll listen to ROCK WITH YOU, but only if we take the quickest route."

Elsewhere and Erstwhile:

• June Jones has proved that the post-Garrett Gilbert existential struggle is real. Admittedly, June Jones looked as excited to be on the sidelines last week as GG after the A&M loss, and could've just as easily been replaced by January Jones or June Carter Cash.
• The world's saddest Heist movie?
• TAYSOM W/BELUGA AND NO CONTEXT!
• BYU has faced 2 teams this season. Both of whom have had concussions end their starting QB's careers.
  • UConn's QB1 was also fantastically be-mulleted
  • Mitt Romney involved?
• If only Nick Rose could kick like Antonio Brown.
• Alabama fans are conflicted over incessant belief in the Coach Almighty, The Pure Unquestioned Lamb of Saban and the crippling doubt over whether Blake Sims is enough of a game manager, coach on the field, has enough grit--or is too much of a natural athlete.

PREDICTIONS

TejasChaos: I will fall asleep to the sounds of celebration... ...in Brentwood. Sigh.

VYPumpFake: In a brilliant move, Coach Strong starts suspending the opposing team. UT runs away with it, 66-3.

Kyle Carpenter: ATILLA THE HUNDLEY! There is a legitimate chance that we'll make more Heisman favorites this year than Eric Taylor makes star quarterbacks. AND COACH TAYLOR IS THE KINGMAKER! It could get ugly, but Swoopes will certainly not put up the worst QB performance in JerryWorld in the past 7 days.