The Physical
By Chuck Wagonhoff, Salutatorian gambling columnist
Last week- 0-1 (10-team parlay)
Season record- 6-7 overall, 2-1 LAVA
FAU, FAU, FAU… If at any point of the next 10 or so weeks of the season/years of my life I try to convince you that taking them against the spread is a good idea, I want you to give me the Old Yeller treatment. First, take me out back and lock me in a cage, where my only company is memories of their shitty football program giving me bad beats. If all goes according to plan, this will in no time at all drive me insane. I will foam at the mouth and implore you to take them again, that this is their week and that they are due to cover the spread and make us a Brinks truck worth of cash. Smartly, you will not listen. Eventually I will tell you that they are a LAVA play. This is where you end it. Where six ex-wives and seven heart attacks before them failed, the FAU football team will succeed in fucking killing me.
Here lies Chuck Wagonhoff
He bet on Florida Fucking Atlantic
Speaking of my eventual untimely demise, seven heart attacks has made it imperative that I visit the great Dr. Rosen once a month for a standard check up. While I don’t actually care about my physical health, I do enjoy getting my balls touched a few times a year. So for that, Doc, I thank you.
It should come as no surprise to any of you that Dr. Rosen believes I may be the most unhealthy man in the continental United States. However, the good doctor believes I may be the healthiest man in the entire northern hemisphere in one capacity: degeneracy. It didn’t happen overnight, kids. I have been practicing healthy degenerate tendencies since the age of 9. Don’t believe me? Ask the Fran, cafeteria worker at the local racetrack. That woman is like a second mother to me
How do I maintain this healthy level of gambling dependency? I thought you’d never ask.
1. Make sure you make at least one wager a day: Most of the time, this one is easy. With college football in full swing, I can bet on games almost every second of the week. Degenerate studies have shown that Thursday night MACtion is the perfect antidote for your shitty 9-5 job followed by two hours of your illegitimate kid’s soccer game. If you’re lucky, you can scout out the most homeless looking parent and see if they’ll bet $500 and a Quizno’s sub over the outcome. Lil’ Johnny’s 6-1 against the spread. Actually his name might be Jason… Brandon?
2. Surround yourself with other degenerates: If you have friends who went to see the Saturday night performance of the local theater group instead of watching the primetime top 10 college football matchup, do me a favor and tell them to go ahead and get the fuck out of your life. Now.
3. Don’t maintain a marriage: Sure you can try your hand at love, maybe even get married for a year or two. But if you really want to be the best sports bettor you can be, do you really think getting a joint bank account is the best idea? After seven failed marriages, I sure as shit don’t.
4. NEVER LEAVE THE TABLE ON A HEATER: Yes, this is a reference to the beautiful game of craps, but it is also a metaphor for sports gambling. If at any point of your pitiful existence you find yourself sitting at 7-0 through the Saturday afternoon games and think you should go out on the town to celebrate breaking your bookie’s back, just think of Chuck Wagonhoff. Look up the slate of late games and bet on EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF THEM. Don’t you dare let me find out you disrespected the gambling gods because you were "happy with where you are on the day." Break your bookie’s back and then strangle him with his own large intestine.
Follow this foolproof four-step plan and you too can lead the miserable but profitable life of the foremost authority on sports betting degeneracy. Much like my third wife, Anastasiya, I’m gonna make the picks short and sweet this week. Unlike her, they were not selected out of a uncatalogued.
Utah @ USC -4
This one stinks, right? The number 3 team in the country is traveling to face a preseason top 10 team that now sits with a 3-3 record and an interim head coach and they’re GETTING four points? I don’t want to, but I absolutely fucking have to. Utah 27 USC 38
Texas A&M @ Ole Miss -5
Aggies will continue their annual slide down the rankings as they travel to Oxford. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Texas A&M 26 Ole Miss 37
LAVA PLAY OF THE WEEK!!!
Clemson @Miami +7
This Clemson team is ready to crash and burn like the Hindenburg. It’s going to happen. I know it, and you know it. They get their first loss of the season and LAVA continues to cash like a broken ATM. Clemson 24 Miami 27
Read more from Chuck at TheSalutatorian.com
