University of Texas Athletic Director Steve Patterson has recently ruffled feathers among Longhorn Football fans by announcing controversial plans for the program, including playing a home football game in Mexico City, "fan experience" on-field pre-game events including live DJs, a $25 charge for alumni tours of the football facilities, and a no re-entry policy at DKR Memorial Stadium. Other risky concepts Patterson is floating include:
- Replacing Texas state flag at Longhorn games with banner advertisement for E's "Keeping up with the Kardashians."
- Requiring ushers to conduct routine checks of the net worth of any fans seated in Sections 3-7.
- Pay toilets.
- Changing stadium name from "DKR-Texas Memorial Stadium" to "Annual-Toyotathon Moneymaker Stadium."
- Providing bins in which fans may donate canned goods for malnourished assistant coaches.
- Statue of Earl Campbell to be fitted with loudspeaker and looped recording imploring fans to "Buy more concessions," "Make checks payable to the Longhorn Foundation," and "Do as Steve tells you."
- 90 minutes of bovine husbandry footage marketed as a "Bevo sextape."
- Upon entry to sporting events, fans will be offered the choice of donating $100 to the Athletic Department or having the word "CHEAPSKATE" scribled across their forehead in permanent marker.
- T-shirts launched at fans during TV timeouts now come with attached bill for $35 noting the University's strict "You caught it, you bought it" policy.
- Three words: "Cher bobblehead night."