HIRING: ACADEMIC ASSISTANCE CONSULTANT
JOB CODE: 20ACT4NCAA
Position: Academic Assistance Consultant
Length of employment: Temporary position. About four hours.
Requirements: Solid mastery of high school geometry, Algebra, Algebra II, natural sciences and the liberal arts. Candidate must be willing to take a moderately challenging academic test. Candidate must be willing to do just OK on it. But not too badly, either. If the candidate feels they are doing too well, take a brief nap or doodle on some scratch paper. Don't be a show-off. No one likes that. This isn't about you.
Compensation: Via anonymous slush fund. Ideal candidate would be willing to accept payment in Jamba Juice cards and Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off discount circulars.
Physical requirements: Candidate should be approximately 6-3 to 6-6 in height. Strong, but long build. Large, powerful hands. Approximately 225-240 pounds. Candidate must be willing to wear a novelty baseball cap with attached dreadlocks that says "Jamaican Me Crazy!" on it. Candidate should give off general vibe that they could run a seam route. We do not discriminate against age, gender, race or sexual orientation.*
Benefits: Free Barking Carnival tote bag. Free copy of Thinking Texas Football 2015 Longhorn Football Prospectus. Pack of Trident chewing gum. An invitation to a sorority foam party. Hug from FBS football head coach whose name cannot be disclosed. Comprehensive medical care!**
Travel: 100%. One trip to South Florida required. Ideal candidate is a people person and Greyhound bus enthusiast!
* We do discriminate. A lot. We had to put that in there. Don't apply if you sunburn easily or your face gets really red when you run hard.
** Will not be provided in any way.