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Jim Cowsert-USA TODAY Sports



Position: Academic Assistance Consultant

Length of employment: Temporary position.  About four hours.

Requirements: Solid mastery of high school geometry, Algebra, Algebra II, natural sciences and the liberal arts. Candidate must be willing to take a moderately challenging academic test.  Candidate must be willing to do just OK on it.  But not too badly, either.  If the candidate feels they are doing too well, take a brief nap or doodle on some scratch paper.  Don't be a show-off.  No one likes that.  This isn't about you.

Compensation: Via anonymous slush fund.  Ideal candidate would be willing to accept payment in Jamba Juice cards and Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off discount circulars.

Physical requirements: Candidate should be approximately 6-3 to 6-6 in height.  Strong, but long build.  Large, powerful hands.  Approximately 225-240 pounds.  Candidate must be willing to wear a novelty baseball cap with attached dreadlocks that says "Jamaican Me Crazy!" on it.  Candidate should give off general vibe that they could run a seam route.  We do not discriminate against age, gender, race or sexual orientation.*

Benefits: Free Barking Carnival tote bag.  Free copy of Thinking Texas Football 2015 Longhorn Football Prospectus. Pack of Trident chewing gum.  An invitation to a sorority foam party.  Hug from FBS football head coach whose name cannot be disclosed. Comprehensive medical care!**

Travel: 100%.  One trip to South Florida required.  Ideal candidate is a people person and Greyhound bus enthusiast!

Contact:  1-888-SUK-NCAA


* We do discriminate.  A lot.  We had to put that in there.  Don't apply if you sunburn easily or your face gets really red when you run hard.

** Will not be provided in any way.