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Texas Pregamer: TCU

By tejaschaos, VY Pump Fake, and Kyle Carpenter

"It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game."

"Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing."

"Everyone loves Cinnabons."

One of those quotes is from a famous sportswriter, one a football legend, and one is from Bill Murray. As we approach what appears to be the final game of the Charlie Strong era, everyone seems to want to explain things. What went wrong, what went right, what chances were or weren’t given. But, as anyone reading the above quotes (and their opposing perspectives) can tell, it’s clear why we are here. Cinnabons are delicious.

Ok, you’re right it’s not the Cinnabons. It’s definitely the winning thing. Charlie won the loyalty of his players, the respect of everyone, but he just didn’t win enough games. If you don’t love Charlie the man, you may not have a heart (and are probably employed at some university north of Austin on 35). But at the end of the day, Vince is right - winning ultimately is the only thing. Charlie will win, and we will win because of Charlie. Unfortunately, it just seems we won’t win with Charlie. So if, as all signs indicate, this is the last game of the Strong Era, we want to thank Charlie. It is Thanksgiving after all.

Thank you Charlie for your core values roto-rootering. Thank you for your birkenstocks and undefeated orange mock turtlenecks that we stopped tracking after it was defeated.
Thank you Charlie for your ghost tweets under the pseudonym Charlie F’n Strong.
Thank you Charlie for all the STRONG puns and killing Art Briles with a trident.

Thank you Charlie for shaming me into 5am runs in ripped sleeve polos, top button always collared.

And thank you Charlie for the Cinnabons.

Hook ‘em.

Counterpoint: It Could Be Worse

No point in dancing around it -- 2016 has been the Scumbag Steve of years. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to think or how to be thankful for what we have. But remember, it could always be worse:

  • Your Associate AD could have "allegedly" (who are we kidding) choked a reporter after the TCU/Baylor game. "Nielsen is in his 17th year at Baylor, works directly with the football program "and is responsible for management of the public image of the program." You can’t make this stuff up.
  • (You could also be a woman/person of color/family pet at said university)
  • You might be an illegal, untimed play and mullet hairdo away from playing for a national championship.
  • Charlie Weis could be your most recent win percentage leader, and your 2015 wins get Lennay Kekua-ed.
  • You could be living in Norman.
  • Your school could be actively hiding five bucks and wooden scraps from an opponent.
  • Your senior safety could also be a Rhodes Scholar. Just kidding, that’s super baller. Way to go Caylin, enjoy the other side of the pond next year.
  • You could have been upset by "Indiana University Purdue University Fort Wayne, A Carnegie Community University." (This is their actual college name)
  • Your coach could have cancelled thanksgiving. Who would think of playing football on thanksgiving? That’s just silly talk.
trivia new

Better Know a Roster

  • Innis Gaines (S, FR) - Gainz? [flexes] Innit this?
  • Ranthony Texada (CB, JR) - This is just a dumb name.
  • Foster Sawyer (QB, SO) - Sounds like he would chart with a single called "My Cow Town Heart" or something terrible.
  • Jordan Kitna (QB, FR) - Yes, Jon Kitna’s son.
  • Ridwan Issahaku (S, SO) - No Ridwan, THISahaiku: Frogs can be purple \ They can also be horny \ But still give you warts
  • Armanii Glaspie (WR, RS FR) - A very well-dressed Gaelic Scotsman.
  • Pakamiaiaea Davis (FB, SO) - Though you may first think of a Hawaiian version of Pakamiaiaean Go, his alma mater "Kamehameha Schools" tilts it more DBZ.
  • Tipa Galeai (DE, SO) - Isn’t Galilee where the Feeding of the Multitudes happened? Let’s see if Gilbert can feed 5,000...carries to D’Onta in only 4 quarters!
  • Tanner Zang (S, SO) - Wayne’s world, party time, excellent!
  • Davis Devereaux (LB, SO) - This name could inexplicably work just as well as a professional bull rider as a LSU frat brother.
  • Austin Schlottmann (C, JR) - In the land of the blind frog, the one-schlott mann is king ~ proverb we made up.
  • Aviante Collins (OT, SR) - The biggest round of Series A funding in the Valley since Aviato.
  • Cordel Iwuagwu (OG, RS FR) - Wagyu is a beef so this is like a beefy joke. Which is funny cause Fort Worth Stock Yards = Cows™.
  • Gary Overshown (DE, FR) - (I just spent 30 minutes searching for that gif of Gary Patterson celebrating and showing his pregnant belly...this’ll do)
  • TreVontae Hights (WR, RS FR) - It’s pronounced Higets, you Pleb.
  • Artayvious Lynn (TE, FR) - Graduated from Milford Academy, and Artayvious, you can always tell a "Milford Man."
  • Nick Cominos (OL, FR) - My spanish book in high school was Ven Conmigo, so I’m pretty sure Cominos is latin for bend over, it’s 2016.
  • Jozie Milton (C, RS FR) - The better half of the board game family Milton-Bradley, not that we will be playing games much longer, maybe those monopoly pieces will be the new currency…
  • Charlie Reid (TE, JR) - will be on 60 minutes someday, if the world exists long enough.
  • Robbie Fuelling (WR, JR) - What’s fuelling the fires of our Sun? Who cares, it will extinguish in a couple trizillion years anyway.
  • Ben Banogu (DE, SO) - there’s a bayou joke in there somewhere, but I’m too busy building a bomb shelter.

Gary Patterson anagrams:

The real holiday gift this season is Gary Patterson’s name. Boy does this guy know how to anagram it.

  • Orangest Party - (People are saying it's America's greatest party)
  • A Tyrant Gropes - self explanatory really. Completely unrelated to above.
  • Pageantry Rots
  • Panty Tsar Ogre - Putin on the Ritz
  • Gyrates Patrón - a fun night at Billy Bob's
  • Arranges Potty
  • A Stranger Typo (lots of these in the Pregamer over the years)
  • Ye rattrap song
  • Retry to Pagans
  • Pert Satan Orgy - Oh.
  • Tarragon Types
  • Try Patronages - Impermissible Benefits!
  • Portrays a Gent
  • Artsy Gator Pen
  • Pantry Storage - nickname for Gary’s belly.
  • Pry? Not Teargas!! - the rallying cry of our generation
  • Regattas no pry - Gary’s 4/20 Marley cover band.
  • Panty Starer, Go! - the alt rallying cry of our generation.
forecast nw

Predictions:

Tejas Chaos: I had like five more years of Moorer stare jokes. How am I going to get market value on that? Let’s end this on a win and a sexy flight out to Sky Harbor for the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl or any other bowl that will take us. Except the Belk Bowl. Nobody wants the belk bowl.
VY Pump Fake: The Pregamer is 5 years old and coincidentally it’s been exactly 5 years since we last won a championship (shhh, it’s ok). So Bellmont, your move. Our buyout clauses are public record ($ame as Charlie). Send venmo to @texaspregamer and you’ll be back to national prominence in no time. TCU? Texas by 30, but only if we get that cash.
Kyle Carpenter: I’m finding it incredibly difficult to bring the levity that has been the Pregamer MO for the past 5 years. We’ve mocked and made light of Mack, Case, Arlington, and anything else we can get our hands on, but here’s to hoping: #letsride off into the sunset with 'Errybody' on the same page. Let’s hope whoever comes next calls Kirk Bohls "Kurt," and has an incredible parody account. Texas, for the Gipper in Birkenstocks -- 38-28.


Parting Shot:

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