We really have run out of material for Kansas, our apologies for the flat, boring, completely uninspiring header. It is a metaphor for so many things. Honestly, it’s really no surprise that the #1 result for a Kansas landscape is Tornado. As detailed in the documentary ‘The Wizard of Oz’, Kansas tornados are a product of intense LSD trips. And speaking of hallucinations, bowl eligibility appears to finally be within the Longhorns’ grasp. That’s right, we are ~28 D’onta Foreman carries away from a 13 game season - something not seen in Austin since DiNozzo-era NCIS. Yes, we are 3 Sterlin dropped g’s away from our first bowl berth in the F.A. (Fenves Airplane) era. Sip that tea y’all - Texas is back, baby!
Now it’s not yet time to punch your ticket to the Cactus Bowl, as we have a tough road game this week against [insert team here because it doesn’t matter who, we suck on the road]. Oh, it’s Kansas? OK, good. It’s not like we would ever need heroics from a Heisman-caliber quarterback to secure a comeback against Kansas. This one should be in the bag.
Alright, alright, alright, spare the doom and gloom. If Texas can take care of even half the business it metered out last week this should end with a smile on Baby Bevo’s face. Let’s not even consider the alternative, because the pollsters are saying Kansas has no chance. Let’s get the win and those extra practices that come with bowl season. I’m tired of writing, "it’s OK, now Charlie can focus more on recruiting!"
Vegas is already taking odds on [Blank][Blank]TexasFootball.com and here’s how it currently shakes out. Disclaimer: you may want a vomit bag handy for at least one of these.
2017 Texas Football Head Coach Odds
- Tom Go Cougs Herman -130
- The Field +145 (literally Joe Jamail Field)
- Charlie Strong +300
- Les Miles +440 (literally will eat the field)
- Art Briles +2100 (kill me now)
- P.J. Fleck & the Flecktones (+2600)
Better Know A Roster:
- Damani Mosby DE SR - will someday recount this game to his children. It will take nine seasons.
- Keaton Perry QB SO - a quarterback from Arlington Texas. As if that would ever work…
- Fish Smithson S SR - First name is fish.
- Bryce Torneden S FR - First name frat, surname fjradt. The bro of vikings.
- Greg Allen S SR - what a crazy name man. How have we not been goofing on this guy the last four years??
- J.J. Jolaoso RB SR - What’s J.J. short for? Jolaoso Jolaoso.
- Clyde McCauley III OL SO - Not a edgy as Clyde McCauley II: Reloaded, but true to the original character decisions of the Clyde Mcauley standalone movie.
- Shakiem Barbel WR SR - if I got this advice back in primary school, maybe I’d be in better shape to shake em.
- Hunter Saulsbury OL F - the one actually destined to Make America Great Again (Salsbury/McConaughey 2036!)
- Jeremiah Booker WR SO - is from College Station. You could say he… Bookered his way out of there. Yeaaaah!!!!! (⌐■_■)
Apparently their head coach is David Beatty. Anagrams include:
- Baddy Vitae - Sounds like a Salon Article term for a person’s past resume playing villains.
- By a Viet Dad
- Dab Diva, yet.
- Data Bevy Id
- Bat Dead. Ivy. - Ah 1997, back before Christopher Nolan came and ruined Batman ;)
- Did TV? Ya bae.
- Diva-day. Bet.
- Avid debt, ya.
- A Daybed! I...TV. - One half of a riveting conversation about the as-seen-on-TV daybed now adorning his apartment in downtown Lawrence.
- A davit by Ed
Tejas Chaos: Six wins. Is that really too much to ask for? Please sweet baby Bevo let’s not mess this one up.
VY Pump Fake: 3 out of 5 American can’t pick out Kansas on a map. The other 2 usually pick Nebraska. That is their legacy. Texas by 15.
Kyle Carpenter: I close my eyes. Only for the moment, then the moment's gone. Dust in the wind. All we are is Dust in the wind. You're my boy blue...My Sweet Lord, let this one be over in the first. We deserve it.