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The competitors
Machoness Muy macho Muy macho
Guaponess Muy guapo Muy guapo
Preferred hair-related accessory Burnt orange bandana Burnt orange baseball hat
Recruiting ranking Too low Way the f*ck too low
Optimally unfortunate Swoo'chele buddy cop nickname
Valliams Naakyn
Propensity to / weakness for Chop blocks Personal fouls
Taylor Swift hair color hex value Wildest Dreams, circa 2015
Love Story, circa 2009
Most relatable Disney princess Merida, when she defeats Lord Miles, Lord Sumlin, and Lord Stoops at the Highland Games to lay rightful claim to the Horn of the Long. Also, those curls
Merida, when she converts her Bear-cursed family back to rightful Longhorns. Also, those curls
Mortal Kombat FINISH HIM move of choice Smothering by pancake Decapitation by spearing
Underrated talent Haka Dancing
Ping Ponging
Last place on earth to ever visit Arlington Ding Dang
Future goals To out-Rapunzel Breckyn

FELLOW LONGHORNS AND COMPATRIOTS -- I am besieged — I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 2 weeks and have not lost a strand — the enemies have demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the wavy locks are to be put to the scissor, if the foot ball is taken — I have answered the demand with a decapitation by spearing and our coiffure still waves proudly from the scalps — I shall never wash or lather. Then, I call on you in the name of groomery, of barbershopism and everything dear to the Longhorn character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch — The enemy is receiving reinforcements weekly and will no doubt increase in the next twelve weeks. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and lose like a foot baller who never forgets what is due to his own shoulders and that of his team — Big 12 Champions or Death.