Texas Longhorns Football

QUIEN ES MAS MACHO: VAHE. HAGER. THE GREAT TEXAN HAIR-OFF OF 2016.

By jc25 Sep 13, 2016, 5:48pm CDT

The competitors
Machoness	Muy macho	Muy macho
Guaponess	Muy guapo	Muy guapo
Preferred hair-related accessory	Burnt orange bandana	Burnt orange baseball hat
Recruiting ranking	Too low	Way the f*ck too low
Optimally unfortunate Swoo'chele buddy cop nickname	Valliams	Naakyn
Propensity to / weakness for	Chop blocks	Personal fouls
Taylor Swift hair color hex value	Wildest Dreams, circa 2015	Love Story, circa 2009
Most relatable Disney princess	Merida, when she defeats Lord Miles, Lord Sumlin, and Lord Stoops at the Highland Games to lay rightful claim to the Horn of the Long. Also, those curls	Merida, when she converts her Bear-cursed family back to rightful Longhorns. Also, those curls
Mortal Kombat FINISH HIM move of choice	Smothering by pancake	Decapitation by spearing
Underrated talent	Haka Dancing	Ping Ponging : Straight from the office of @Strong_TexasFB, confirmation of a new @Longhorn_FB ping pong champion. https://t.co/mVfISbrWs5 — Big 12 Conference (@Big12Conference) August 15, 2016
Last place on earth to ever visit	Arlington	Ding Dang
Future goals	To out-Rapunzel Breckyn Texas OL Patrick Vahe on Breckyn Hager's flowing locks: "We're trying to bring the Rapunzel look to Austin." — Mike Finger (@mikefinger) September 12, 2016 Texas OL Patrick Vahe takes mock (?) offense when asked who has best hair on team, he or DE Breckyn Hager: "Is that a question?" — Chuck Carlton (@ChuckCarltonDMN) September 12, 2016	FELLOW LONGHORNS AND COMPATRIOTS -- I am besieged — I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 2 weeks and have not lost a strand — the enemies have demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the wavy locks are to be put to the scissor, if the foot ball is taken — I have answered the demand with a decapitation by spearing and our coiffure still waves proudly from the scalps — I shall never wash or lather. Then, I call on you in the name of groomery, of barbershopism and everything dear to the Longhorn character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch — The enemy is receiving reinforcements weekly and will no doubt increase in the next twelve weeks. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and lose like a foot baller who never forgets what is due to his own shoulders and that of his team — Big 12 Champions or Death. Hager says he made a promise he won't cut his hair until Texas wins the Big 12. pic.twitter.com/x2TgytTDlT — Bob Ballou (@BobBallouSports) September 12, 2016