|Machoness||Muy macho||Muy macho|
|Guaponess||Muy guapo||Muy guapo|
|Preferred hair-related accessory||Burnt orange bandana||Burnt orange baseball hat|
|Recruiting ranking||Too low||Way the f*ck too low|
Optimally unfortunate Swoo'chele buddy cop nickname
|Propensity to / weakness for||Chop blocks||Personal fouls|
|Taylor Swift hair color hex value||Wildest Dreams, circa 2015
||Love Story, circa 2009
|Most relatable Disney princess||Merida, when she defeats Lord Miles, Lord Sumlin, and Lord Stoops at the Highland Games to lay rightful claim to the Horn of the Long. Also, those curls
||Merida, when she converts her Bear-cursed family back to rightful Longhorns. Also, those curls
|Mortal Kombat FINISH HIM move of choice||Smothering by pancake||Decapitation by spearing|
|Underrated talent||Haka Dancing
|Last place on earth to ever visit||Arlington||Ding Dang|
|Future goals||To out-Rapunzel Breckyn
|FELLOW LONGHORNS AND COMPATRIOTS -- I am besieged — I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 2 weeks and have not lost a strand — the enemies have demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the wavy locks are to be put to the scissor, if the foot ball is taken — I have answered the demand with a decapitation by spearing and our coiffure still waves proudly from the scalps — I shall never wash or lather. Then, I call on you in the name of groomery, of barbershopism and everything dear to the Longhorn character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch — The enemy is receiving reinforcements weekly and will no doubt increase in the next twelve weeks. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and lose like a foot baller who never forgets what is due to his own shoulders and that of his team — Big 12 Champions or Death.
QUIEN ES MAS MACHO: VAHE. HAGER. THE GREAT TEXAN HAIR-OFF OF 2016.