| The competitors | 
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| Machoness | Muy macho | Muy macho |
| Guaponess | Muy guapo | Muy guapo |
| Preferred hair-related accessory | Burnt orange bandana | Burnt orange baseball hat |
| Recruiting ranking | Too low | Way the f*ck too low |
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Optimally unfortunate Swoo'chele buddy cop nickname |
Valliams | Naakyn |
| Propensity to / weakness for | Chop blocks | Personal fouls |
| Taylor Swift hair color hex value | Wildest Dreams, circa 2015 |
Love Story, circa 2009 |
| Most relatable Disney princess | Merida, when she defeats Lord Miles, Lord Sumlin, and Lord Stoops at the Highland Games to lay rightful claim to the Horn of the Long. Also, those curls |
Merida, when she converts her Bear-cursed family back to rightful Longhorns. Also, those curls |
| Mortal Kombat FINISH HIM move of choice | Smothering by pancake | Decapitation by spearing |
| Underrated talent | Haka Dancing |
Ping Ponging
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| Last place on earth to ever visit | Arlington | Ding Dang |
| Future goals | To out-Rapunzel Breckyn
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FELLOW LONGHORNS AND COMPATRIOTS -- I am besieged — I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 2 weeks and have not lost a strand — the enemies have demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the wavy locks are to be put to the scissor, if the foot ball is taken — I have answered the demand with a decapitation by spearing and our coiffure still waves proudly from the scalps — I shall never wash or lather. Then, I call on you in the name of groomery, of barbershopism and everything dear to the Longhorn character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch — The enemy is receiving reinforcements weekly and will no doubt increase in the next twelve weeks. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and lose like a foot baller who never forgets what is due to his own shoulders and that of his team — Big 12 Champions or Death.
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