What a rollercoaster of a season folks. This kind of up and down narrative hasn’t been seen since 1998, when friend of the Program, Undertaker threw Mankind off the top of Hell In A Cell!
Let’s take a look at our story so far.
Due to preternatural hydration and TV lockers, Texas WAS BACK™. This was quickly followed by actual football being played, and it was declared with finality that Texas was decidedly NOT BACK. But after an elite 56-point shutout against powerhouse San Mateo State, we at the Pregamer are calling our shot with a double-down, real, genuine, certified Texas is “BACK BACK!”*
That’s excellent news because the ‘Horns are headed out West to to face the USC Trojans. Not all of you fans are old enough to remember this - but many years ago UT played a pretty important game against these guys. Most of the details have been lost, but we at the Pregamer have taken countless minutes to compile some of the finer points to give you a reason to watch on Saturday.
Let us go back to the year 2005. It was a different era. Crash was winning Academy Awards, Baylor was bad at football for football-related reasons, America had yet to elect its first orange president, and Hannah Montana had just premiered on the Disney channel. And in Austin, a coach by the name of William Mactavius Brown had a Texas-sized problem. All he wanted in the world, besides those sweet, sweet Sally Brown cookies, was a National Championship.
But that all changed when a quarterback from Houston by the name of Vince Motherfucking Young brought Mack the key he needed to get out of his funk and win himself that elusive natty - RAP MUSIC. Yes it was probably something by Trae the Truth on the old ball coach’s iPod that led to that historic undefeated regular season.
Now this was a time before playoffs, so Texas was sent west to play the #1 USC Trojans, ESPN’s Greatest Team of All Time. Led by Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, and Will Ferrell, they seemed unstoppable when not playing Fresno State, but the Trojans made one fateful error - they allowed the game to be played at The Vince Young Rose Bowl Historic Center. When the dust settled, ol’ Mack had his trophy and Vince galloped off into a long and storied career on the LHN.
The Trojans, so embarrassed by the victory, abdicated all their wins from that season. Years have passed since, but legend has it when the wind blows just right, you can hear the clanging of Vince’s enormous brass balls as he sashays his way toward the pylon.
And the rest, as they say, is history...
Here’s to hoping we can pull off the Hollywood sequel Saturday.
Better Know A Roster - SAM DARNOLD
- Sam Darnold’s grandfather was the Marlboro Man...
- And was literally named Dick Hammer!
- Sam’s parents call him “Flatline”
- His teammates call him “Incrediboy”
- We are calling him O’Doyle/Landry
- Though Coach Taylor insists on calling him “Lance”
- You could also call him the grown up version of Home Improvement’s Zachery Ty Bryan, who played a cocksure QB in Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift.
National Lampoon’s Trojan Vacation
No, we’re not going anywhere. This is one of those vacays you can do right from the comfort of your computer! Apparently the closer you get to shades of crimson/maroon, the more prone you are to revisionist history and vacating. If USC can vacate their saddest moment in program history, then we can vacate a few things too:
- We first want to vacate the losses to USC in 55 and 56, because we didn’t have an eligible DKR to coach us until 57.
- We would also like to vacate the 66 and 67 losses because UT was composed of a bunch of gritty, lunch-pail, coaches on the field. A team of scrappy, deceptively-fast, gym rats. A squad composed of heady, fundamentally-sound, grinders who you’d love to date your daughter. It wouldn’t be until the 70s when the team became naturally-gifted, aggressive, and surprisingly-well-spoken.
So now that we’re at the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless record...what else?
- Colt McCoy’s injury in the 2010 National Championship game
- My first marriage. The Devil really DOES wear Prada
- Pucca shells and frosted tips
- The entirety of middle school
- Twitter’s decision to sunset Vine. #ripVine (warning: rabbit hole)
- The vasectomy payment Antonio Cromartie made to his urologist
Around the country
- Baker Mayfield, who performed like a madman, ultimately followed up some foreplay and teasing by going a little...limp in the Horseshoe.
- Though Siri was all about him. Is this what comes with the Iphone X? Worth it.
- James Franklin is a freaking savage. He’s as devastating in the presser as Saquon Barkley is on the field.
- Aggy fan is sick to his stomach about his team’s first two games. But the spirit of the 12th man lives on in the stands.
- Baylor is in desperate need of some...Fixing Upping. Some more shiplap, or possibly to just abandon the ship altogether?
Better Know A Roster - the rest
Keyshawn 'Pie' Young (WR-CB, So.) - “The sinners are much more fun, you know that only the good Pie young.” (Let’s all remember to sing this when the White Walkers get the Prince Who Was Promised, Azor Hot’Pie)
Austin Applebee (TE, R-Jr.), Jack Sears (QB, Fr.), Ykili Ross (S, R-So.) - Can you even find an Austin Applebee’s, Sears, or Ross anymore??? COLD BLOODED MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING EVERYTHING!!!!
Josh Imatorbhebhe (WR, R-Fr.) - “I aint no imitator, baybay.”
Daniel Imatorbhebhe (TE, R-So.) - “Dude. You followed me to USC. You have literaly dated the last four girls I broke up, Josh. You painted on a fake birthmark in the spot mine is...this is getting out of control.”
Davonte Nunnery (S, R-Jr.) - Hamlet once tried to drive Ophelia straight into thee’s arms.
Alijah Vera-Tucker (OG-OT, Fr.) - Fashion line of eternal aggie SCOREBOARD
Olajuwon Tucker (OLB, Sr.) - Houston Rocket of eternal aggie SCOREBOARD
Kenny Bigelow Jr. (DT, R-Sr.) -This guy sits number two on the depth chart, so I guess you could call him…[puts on Horatio glasses] ”Duece Bigelow.” [Takes off said glasses] He’s also listed at 300 pounds. I guess you could say that’s some [puts glasses back on] “Male Giggle-o.”
Kyle Carpenter: In the age of streaming, I own 4 DVDs that aren’t packed in a box somewhere. Top Gun, Braveheart, Snakes on a Plane, and the 2006 Rose Bowl DVD from the Texas Co-op. Assuming Texas encounters neither MIG nor reptile while in-flight - I think we must rely on the words of William Wallace (referring to Vince Young): “Yes, I've heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the Trojans with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.” Horns need just one bolt of arse-lightening, 30-27.
TejasChaos: I’ve learned to never underestimate the hubris of an overconfident USC team. Our chances of winning increase dramatically if we can remember this one key thing - the game is being played at USC Coliseum and not in Pasadena. Plan accordingly.
VY Pump Fake: Like their namesake prophylactics, the Trojans are theoretically 98% effective. However, since teams are not always used properly, the effectiveness rate of Trojans is actually around 82%. A pick six from The Darnold to Holton Hill in the 4th quarter seals the oops game. Tie, 31-31.
No, you’re crying.