When the schedule was announced months ago, the general consensus was how ridiculous it was to force players to leave their families after a nice Thanksgiving meal, surrounded by nice food, loved ones, and the beauty of a crisp Texas Autumn day...to go to The Larry. To Lawrence FREAKING Kansas. No one wants to go TO Kansas, the most famous fictional Kansasian, Superman, immediately fled for the metropolis of...well Metropolis. But you get my point. Black Friday indeed — How cruel, how low. Kansas has 26 players from Texas while Texas, obviously, has 0 from Kansas and only Daniel Carson on the Longhorns roster is even from Kansas City, MISSOURI. We couldn’t include “all-time home games” terms in the Big-12 Doctrine that we forced teams to sign to be able to appear on the prestigious Longhorn Network?
I mean let’s not pretend like College Station every-other-year is some glamorous destination to a locale that’s not infested with cult-mentality and the byproduct of years of inbreeding. But at least the TripAdvisor 1.3 star “hidden gem” is still Texas. (And at least it was a guaranteed victory).
So the journey up there was the narrative until this week, when the world’s eyes converged on a flat piece of flyover country and a GRASSroots campaign. One Leslie Edwin Miles decided to bring Toss Dives and curious culinary sod samplings to the Big 12. That’s right folks, if you want to win a bar bet, you can switch from my current favortie of what single NBA Team has multiple players on the 2017 All-NBA 1st/2nd team (free money here: it’s the San Antonio Spurs). Now you ask: What NCAA team is the only with a national champion coach in both basketball and football? YOUR KANSAS JAYHAWKS!
Let’s all take a few moments and a click to watch what is probably the most uncomfortable introductory press conference of all time, and remember exactly what grass can do to your brain. << That is the longest, cringiest 20 seconds of my life. Les is in fact More.
And speaking of grass, Texas fans should enjoy playing on artificial turf at one of the earliest college football stadiums to abandon the real stuff (KU went to turf 5 years after the Astrodome in 1970), because I am POSITIVE that is part of the terms of Miles’ deal at the new “Miles High Stadium”.
At the very least, Les should bring more fun into the most fun conference in the history of football. A few facts to know or remember about the Reauxck Chaulx Mad Hatter:
- Les Miles’ daugther, “Smacker” Miles swam at UT. Yes, her name is Smacker Miles.
- Les once won a FOOTBALL game on a bounce pass. So on brand for KU.
- If you search ‘Les Miles’ on Home Depot’s website, it brings up results for grass seed.
- Les once described himself as getting “Shanghaied in Austin” at SEC-Media days. He’s gonna fit right in.
And finally, as we are all recovering from gluttony in the name of festivity, I leave you with Les’ thoughts on feasts of the more traditional variety. Thanksgiving sans turf.
Happy Black Friday and #HookEm
Better Know A Roster
Bryce Torneden (S, Jr.) - As we pointed out in last year’s Pregamer. Kansas doesn’t even beat Texas in the thing you might think Kansas is good at (besides regular season college basketball): “We don’t do much, but we all be tor-nay-den”. Point Texas
Pooka Williams Jr. (RB, Fr.) - Pooka Williams sounds like either a character alongside Wesley Snipes and Tupac in an early 90s urban crime noir or the worst frosted-tip, Pooka-shelled, hemp bracelet, yellow jeep wrangler-driving, Freddie Prinze Jr.-style 2000s Cali kid (besties with Jace, Brogan, and Lynx).
Nick Channel (LB, Fr.) - “Nick Channel! Nick Channel! NICK CHANNEL!” was the single worst chant for a parent to hear before having to suffer through 3-hours of iCarly...
Elmore Hempstead Jr. (CB, Jr.) - Middle-tier college cornerback by day, Old West ranch justice fiction writer by night.
Azur Kamara (DE, Jr.) - The cloud-based data backup to the Saints running attack.
Caperton Humphrey (FB, Jr.) - And you though Lil’Jordan was a ridiculous thing to append before this surname? Psshhh. “El Caperton” isn’t even proper spanish.
Api Mane (OL, Jr.) - Local silicon valley network engineer turned rapper kills it with hits such as “I get the bag (of database querys)”, “I’m a Dog(ged Coder who triple cheks)”, and “Triple X--ML”
Dru Prox (LB, So.) - Late 90s Euro House Trance artist.
Kevin Feder (OL, Jr.) - This just seems like a good time to remind everyone that Gold Diggers can be men too. Long live K-Fed!
Adagio Lopeti (OL, Jr.) - For Strings!
Miles Fallin (QB, R-Fr.) - The unfortunately named QB may be the first attrition to the Mad Hatter’s KU roster.
Denzel Feaster (LB, R-Jr.) - Apropos of nothing this is a great name for an edge rushing linebacker, but for Thanksgiving week?? Watch out.
Hasan Defense (CB, Jr.), Takulve Williams (WR, R-Fr.) - Oh cool. You have a guy on the defense called “Defense” and balance that out with a receiver named “Tackle”. How edgy. We had a Texas QB named Colt. Point Texas.
A Very Real Story
Kansas has not been good at football save for some Sayers and Manginos. They have always been interesting though. Please recall what I am dubbing: “The Chalupa Bandit and the Crawlspace”
“Dion Rayford, a 270-pound Kansas football player, got stuck in the drive-through window of a Taco Bell in Lawrence when he allegedly tried to go after employees who left a chalupa out of his order.
Rayford, 24, allegedly became angry about 2 a.m. Wednesday when he didn’t get a chalupa. He got stuck when he tried to climb through the 14-by-46-inch window, said police Sgt. George Wheeler.
But the window couldn’t support Rayford and broke, Wheeler said. Rayford was stuck hanging halfway.
”When you take a big guy and put him through a small space, something’s got to give,” Wheeler said.
Rayford, a 6-foot-3 senior defensive end, was suspended for the Jayhawks’ game--the last of his college career--Saturday against Iowa State. He was released on his own recognizance after pleading not guilty to charges of disorderly conduct, having an open container of alcohol and misdemeanor damage to property.”
Kansas safeties coach Todd Bradford left the football program earlier this year. Not a game-changing factoid. Bad team, new AD, coach on the hotseat.
However, the fact that said coach with years of relevant experience had such a bad go of things that he completely left coaching to join “Big Oil”? Well maybe there is some kinship between the Jayhawks and the Lone Star State afterall.
Kyle Carpenter: Sad Jayhawks, like the Moping Charlie Brown (or Arrested Development running joke) will feel the wrath. For Charlie. Texas by 35.
Schematic. Aerial. Advantage.