EXT. SHAKA’S HOUSE
[Shaka opens the front door]
Smart: Hey y’all, welcome to MTV Cribs. I heard you guys wanted to see where I relax when I’m not coming up with dream boards for my athletes. Welcome to my home, or as I like to call it: THE KNIFE’S EDGE.
INT. SHAKA’S LIBRARY
This room is where the magic happens. I spend a lot of time reading books in here, then lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and coming up with plays. Sometimes they’re threes, sometimes they’re post entry passes that end in threes, and sometimes they’re threes. Sometimes I pretend I’m a dragon.
INT. SHAKA’S KITCHEN
This room is where the magic happens. I make a lot of protein shakes; I mean, a lot of protein shakes. A good two hours of my day is spent creating different flavors of protein shake; this one you see in front of you is a custom blend of blueberries, açai berries, and strawberries. I call it the ‘Three Ball’ because it’s got three berries in it. Get it? I also make the illegal version of Four Loko I call Three Loko and sell it to opposing teams before the games, but that’s off the record. You’re not recording this part, are you?
INT. SHAKA’S BEDROOM
This room is where the magic happens. I don’t really sleep much; I practice a form of mindful meditation called ‘Three Breaths’ where I take three quick breaths while thinking about made threes and three slow breaths while thinking about made threes. Get it? Any way I haven’t slept since 2004. I find it’s a waste of time that could be better spent making protein shakes and illegal Fou-ohhh you almost got me again, didn’t you? You guys are sneaky. I’m going to call you the Three Musketeers on account of there being four of you and that’s like three plus a third of another three. Get it?
INT. SHAKA’S GARAGE
This room is where the magic happens. When I hear my wife coming home, I’ll hide behind this pillar before she raises the garage door then I’ll jump out in front of her RAV4, slap the floor, and scream that she’s not getting any threes past me. She usually stops; she’s only hit me twice, which is two-thirds of three. She’s the best, I love her and my children: Shaka III, Tres, and Threezus.
EXT. SHAKA’S POOL
This pool is where the magic happens. After a loss, I’ll come out here, take off all of my clothes, and dive into the deep end. When I get down to the very bottom of the pool, I scream until I run out of breath. I probably spend more time in here than anywhere other than the kitchen where I make my Three Balls. Did I tell you why it’s called that?
INT. SHAKA’S FILM ROOM
This room is where the magic happens. I don’t know what this room is for.
INT. SHAKA’S GYM
This gym is where the magic happens. I like to work out after losses, it helps me clear my mind so I can go to the library and meditate. I also like to work out after wins, when it happens. I probably spend more time in here than anywhere other than the kitchen. Sometimes I’ll just get down and do push-ups while contemplating how close I can come to missing the NCAA Tournament without actually missing it. There’s an art to being right on the knife’s edge like that, and I like to tell my players that you don’t do anything halfway, except lay-ups. To me the perfect balance of a program is the last bye in the tourney, and I’m so close to achieving zen. I can’t tell you how many push-ups I’ve done this season, probably three thousand. How many push-ups can you guys do? I bet it’s at least three.
EXT. SHAKA’S HOUSE
Thanks for coming to visit my crib, it’s where the magic happens. Hopefully it lets you better understand me and what I love in this world: threes, contraband alcohol, and push-ups. Also my family. See y’all at the Big 12 Tournament, make sure you show up early.
Texas’ next game is Thursday as the 4-seed in the Big 12 Tournament where they play 5-seed Texas Tech. Tip time is 11:30 AM CT on ESPN2.