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Posted by Vasherized on August 25th, 2009 under Football
Perhaps a fitting sign of where things stand in Ames, Iowa with football season just two weeks away is the cover story at cyclonereport.com which features a recent commitment by some dude named Melvin Ejim – to the basketball team. CloneChronicles.com is all over this breaking story as well. In fact, every news outlet in Ames is devoting its full attention so they don’t have to talk about the sad state of the football program.
I guess when a player in any sport commits to Iowa State it’s a pretty big deal. Sincere congrats to Melvin but he’s making research on this already impossible task harder than it needed to be. He should have taken that offer from Boston College because I’m discovering that Ames, Iowa may not even exist.
This was not in the job description.
The Cyclones’ victory total has declined by one in each of the past three seasons: 4,3,2 … 1. One supreme victory to rule all others in 2009! It’s like one of those under-promise / over-deliver motto’s they give the hopeless addict on an episode of Intervention. “Just please try to make it one day living in Ames without smoking crack, okay Arnaud?” Considering the fact the Clones have an entirely new coaching staff and few game-changing players on either side of the ball, maybe realistic goals are a good thing. I’m just not sure where that one wins comes from. Maybe Kent State on Sep 19th. I’m guessing Pay-Per-View for this epic tilt.
Look at where the program is now versus three years ago and you have to wonder: maybe that whole Gene Chizik hire wasn’t such a good idea? It seems like the Gener left Auburn for Texas and u-turned with just enough of a detour in Ames to set back the program a few more years with more of his simplistic and outdated defensive schemes, lazy recruiting, and pro-active job searching. And oh the sense of humor! Guy could hold a room. Of processed cattle.
What’s uglier? This hideous tie or my base 4-3 defense?
These are traits Texas fans temporarily excused because he also helped deliver a championship in his first season. Cyclone fans were going to need a bit more patience. Not that it would have mattered — The Chiz never even unpacked his bags in Ames. All I know is he must have one hell of an agent to parlay a fat contract at Auburn out of those few dismal years on the plains.
So what does Iowa State AD do next, other than cry at the TMZ-style press conference while pretending to be shocked at Chizik’s midnight disappearance in an unmarked SUV en route to Auburn’s private jet lurking in a nearby cornfield?
Thanks for picking me up.
AD Jamie Pollard promptly hires another DC from Auburn! Hey, it worked for Texas, right? The Clones are already grooming a War Eagle sophomore grad assistant/hydration management specialist to take over in 2012 … which just happens to be the 100th anniversary of their last national title. Because Midwesterners love kitchy historic symbolism like buried time capsules and irrelevant monuments, ya know. And did you know the Dubuque County Court House is the only one in the country with a real Golden Dome? This calls for a fucking road trip to Ames.
So that’s what I did. Expense account jingling in my pocket …
When you arrive there after three connecting flights and a long bumpy ride on a tractor, you’ll see a big banner in the airport that says: “Come meet the new coaching staff!” I think it’s been up there since the mid 1970s and it’s probably one of the more exciting offers in town. But plan on staying a while, wear some Ecco’s, and bring a pen.
Chizik cleaned house upon departure and the SID has been working overtime ever since scraping together a Who’s Who of D1 coaches in Paul Rhoads, Tom Hermann, and Wally Burnham; along with a collection of dudes off craigslist. Ten new coaches in all and most of them still don’t know each other’s last names. Here’s what I was able to coax out of an Athletic Department intern after feeding her a bucket of fried chicken, three Xanax, and some Beaujolais wine coolers Sailor Ripley turned me onto last weekend:
DC Wally Burnham, who comes in after a 10 yr stint at South Florida, faces the task of fixing a unit that ole’d 36 ppg and 450 ypg. His son Shane came along to coach Defensive Tackles. Don’t mess with guys named Shane. New secondary coach Chris Ash was part of the staff that led the Cyclones to bowl games from 2000-2005. So there’s that. Every year coaches pour into Austin to study the wizardry of Greg Davis’ mutating offensive schemes. Every year coaches pour into Ames to study the art of the missed tackle. And HenryJames’ lineage.
Nobody flails at shoestrings like the ‘Clones.
Former Sooners WR coach Luke Wells apparently played QB for the Sooners under Mangino, was eaten, then regurgitated in the form of a WR coach at Louisiana-Monroe before surfacing in Ames as the answer to the post Todd-Blythe era.
But good luck convincing Rhoads — a veritable spewing fountain of turnaround hyperbole — that this Crazy Train doesn’t have a mountain of upside coming off a 2-10 2008 season, highlighted by zero wins in conference play.
We’re going off the rails in some place called Ames!
In order to know where you’re going you need to know where you came from. From Rhoads’ Big 12 Media Day:
I think the challenges are you inherit a program that has no tradition …
Nice start, Paul.
…so to speak, in collegiate football, since the Big 12 was formed in 1996, I believe.
Yes, you are speaking. Correct sport. Right conference and date. Ya gotta believe, Paul!
Every victory is going to be important for us. It’s been a while since I’ve had one.
I’d say the Paul Rhoads era is off to a great start. Boosters, after you slit your wrists, please open your wallets.
Lets take a look at a few of the guys on the team worth knowing about:
QB Austen Arnaud, whose francophile surname should give you a fairly accurate approximation of his career winning percentage, is actually one of the few guys on the team with some upside. At 6’3, 224 he’s basically Garrett Gilbert with more melanin. He also lacks the accuracy, arm strength, and NFL pedigree. Arnaud did have an excellent game against K. State last year in a 38-30 loss, dicing up the Wildcats’ secondary for 440 yds on 30 completions and 3 TDs/2 INTs.
Not bad, Austen. Not bad.
Arnaud’s go-to guys will likely be Sr. Marquis Hamilton and Soph. Sedrick Johnson, a 4-star kid from East Texas who is probably fast as shit but lacks Todd Blythe’s clutchiness. JUCO transfer Darius Reynolds will also be in the mix at WR and factor into the return game. Arnaud should continue to improve under new OC Tom Hermann, whose high-powered spread attack temporarily powered Rice back to college football relevance in a geographic range spanning from Sunset all the way to Bissonnet.
One guy to keep an eye on is sophomore stud DB Leonard Johnson. The only Cyclone fan I know told me so and they aren’t capable of telling lies. You learn to accept the truth and move on.
One thing you better have at Iowa State is an all conference punter and they have that in spades with Mike Brandtner, extra useless punter consonant and all. He’s already been voted pre-season MVP by his teammates. That’s a lie but I could see it being true if there were some fucking way to know these things. Not much comes in or out of Ames except head coaches, John Deere parts, crystal meth, and victorious opponents, who are always greeted with a friendly goodbye:
Thanks for kicking our ass! Come again soon.
Like every Big 12 North squad, Iowa State brought in two promising JUCO guys in Matt Taufoou, who is backing up Sr. Jesse Smith at LB and David Sims who will start at SS. The Clones play strict nickel as their base as a big Fuck You homage to Chizik.
You don’t mention players that left the team when you didn’t win one conference game. Sorry guys.
Four returning starters on OL should help improve protection for Arnaud. Reggie Stevens slides over to Center from wherever he attempted to block people last year. Sophomore OTs Haughton and Osemele have good size on the edges but will struggle against elite DEs. They have a decent back returning in Alexander Robinson, who finished last year with 700 yds at 4.6 per and 6 TDs. His numbers improved later in the season against better competition.
Clearly not worried about his 68% FG accuracy last year, Kicker Carey “Grant” Mahoney returns after filming Police Academy 6: Short, Wide, Left And/Or Right during the off-season.
Let’s summarize: New HC, DC, and OC. No Troy Davis on the roster. No Todd Blythe defying the limits of his own athleticism. No Larry Eustachy banging drunk co-eds in the stands. A paucity of depth at nearly every skill position. A smallish defense with average speed. That may be enough to beat A&M but fortunately for the Aggies, Iowa State is not on the schedule this year. Wait, they are. On Halloween! If both teams dressed as axe murderers and played to the death, the Big 12 would be stronger for it. We’ll call it The Big 10 and make those rust belt troglodytes change the name of their conference to match the actual number of schools that play in it. For Tech fans that can’t count over ten, that number is eleven. It’s like they pretend Northwestern just doesn’t exist.
It comes down to this: The Fightin Prawns of District 9 have a better chance of a winning season this year than the Cyclones.
I do think Rhoads and Hermann might be able to put something together in 3-4 years if they bust their ass on the recruiting trail in blatant contempt of the Ghost of Chizik Past. Here’s hoping they can pull a Baylor and turn things around, which in Waco means 4-8 and some premature shaftstroking for Art Briles. More on that tomorrow…
Until then, in Ames, there’s always Melvin Ejim.
_______________________
Please also see dedfishcer’s 2008 Iowa State State of the Union here and Scipio Tex’s 2007 version here.
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Scipio Tex said:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:35 am
You handle obscure team previews more capably than your alcohol. Nicely done, man. Tough assignment and I had laugh out loud moments.
Your quote from Rhoads’ presser:
I think the challenges are you inherit a program that has no tradition …
Man, that’s just brutal.
It comes down to this: The Fightin Prawns of District 9 have a better chance of a winning season this year than the Cyclones.
Ha.
Vasherized said:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Trips Right completely failed me as a wingman.
Trips Right said:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:52 am
That’s because you wouldn’t let me be Maverick.
RadioSilence said:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Things that work against the Cyclones:
1. The better in-state kids want to play for Iowa.
2. The best in-state kids leave altogether.
3. If you pass the exits for Ames on I-35, you will find Ames is an oasis in the dirt. You have the town, then concentric circles of dirt, and maybe some soybean fields next to the Flying J.
4. Sometimes it snows heavily in April.
5. Basketball fans don’t realize Harrison Barnes is stringing them along.
Scatman C. said:
August 25th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thought I saw Jack Nicholson with an axe in the maze…I mean maize.
Nordberg said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:08 am
“Kent State on Sep 19th. I’m guessing Pay-Per-View for this epic tilt.”
I’d watch it. Right now.
Horncasting said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Sedrick Johnson was once an Aggie commit, who (snicker) switched to Iowa State.
Is it just me? said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Or does their logo-in-the-corn look like a really big doormat?
Nordberg said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Looks like a giant maze puzzle thingy to me.
I just traced my pointer from one end of that thing to the other. FML
Scipio Tex said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Why would aliens create a perfect Iowa State logo crop circle and what are they trying to tell us?
Vasherized said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Horncasting,
Nice catch. And he might have made the right decision.
Trips,
You’ll always be Goose. But maybe Scipio will let you be Iceman for a day.
Nordberg,
I would too.
dedfischer said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Drawing ISU on the state of the union writeup is tougher than drawing them on the schedule.
dedfischer said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Meant to add, well done given the competency level of their PR department.
Vasherized said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Here is dedfischer’s excellent write-up on the 2008 Cyclones, inspiring source material to say the least.
In a live interview yesterday, he passed along that the brown patches in his St. Augustine are starting to heal and that much like the Iowa State program, it just needs some sustained hydration.
You just don’t see these kind of analogies every day from Tech fans.
Unfortunately, I was well over my word count.
BatesHorn said:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Pure. Fucking. Gold.
And with that, I’m off to happy hour.
Congressional Recess, baby!!!
Larry Eustachy said:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
At least the new coach can drown his sorrows at Big XII North frat houses.
Steve Nebraska said:
August 25th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
“Is this Heaven?”
“No, it’s just not Ames.”
svrep said:
August 25th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Enjoyable write up.
Props for the classic Randy Rhoads pic.
ChrisApplewhite said:
August 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I can’t wait until ISU fans flood this site to tell you how wrong you are.
Parlin Hall said:
August 25th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
I would rate the campus second to Lawrence in the Big 12 for aesthetics.
Good engineering program.
Daniel said:
August 25th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
“The Fightin Prawns of District 9 have a better chance of a winning season this year than the Cyclones.” That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
Seriously though the Fightin Prawns of District 9 would be favorites right behind Texas and OU to win the Big 12.
NorthDallasSooner said:
August 25th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Why’d they fire Dan McCarney again?
The NCAA said:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Iowa State has a football team?
cornphobia said:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
I wonder if the Auburn AD got Iowa State mixed up with Ohio State.
Vasherized said:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
ChrisApplewhite,
That was the plan. HenryJames said we should have just posted last year’s preview again because we’ve yet to see an Iowa State fan post here.
As painful as it is to admit, he may have been right.
ChrisApplewhite said:
August 25th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
That’s why they let you do it. They offered me Trinity.
Prince Ron Freeman said:
August 25th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Top notch.
IowaStateLonghorn said:
August 26th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Ya’ll are just wrong…….It was the Polk County courthouse with the gold dome.
Ojnab Bob said:
August 26th, 2009 at 6:37 am
The Polk County courthouse doesn’t even have a dome. You are thinking of the Iowa State Capitol building, which has a magnificent golden dome (and a nice collection of regimental flags from the Civil War; Iowans made up a good portion of Sherman’s ever-victorious Army of the Tennessee).
We’re getting pretty far afield here, but such is the sad state of Iowa State football…
IowaStateLonghorn said:
August 26th, 2009 at 6:49 am
You’re right, my mistake, it is the capital building in Polk County. Oops! But anyway here was my response to my Longhorn buddy:
We only need one win…Because one win really does trump all in that state.
I can’t defend the school, hell they name their entire stadium, have statues of him and their claim to fame is of a player that played only 1 game for them. Oh wait, I don’t think he even finished the entire game. So they pay tribute to someone who hasn’t even played an entire game for them.
(Oh yea, I bought Longhorn season tickets this year)
George Washington Carver said:
August 26th, 2009 at 6:53 am
I went to Iowa State. I invented the peanut. What the fuck did you assholes ever do?
Stuck in MN said:
August 26th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I thought it was pretty common knowledge that the Iowa State Capital dome, constructed of steel and brick, is externally gilded with 23-karat gold leaf, with a belvedere on top of the large dome that features a golden lantern at the top. In addition, four smaller golden lanterns are each attached to copper-covered domes at every corner of the building. These four domes are decorated with vertical lines of intermittent gold, giving each a braided look. Maybe I’m just an Iowaphile, though.
Regarding Jack Trice, considering there is no football history to speak of, they could do much worse than some dude that died from injuries suffered on the field after facing those racist Golden Gophers.
This is what Coach Rhodes is up against said:
August 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
[...] permalink It makes me really irritated — but at the same time I did giggle at a couple of observations. We really need to sell out JTS and win some games. Barking Carnival
Wish 4 the best said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Rhoads is a real idiot let me tell ya….what kind of guy would want to do his job for 1.15 million a year on a 5 year contract living close to his aging parents???. What a Crappy team too. Just think he may be the 3rd head coach in a row for that team to have a winning record against their in state rival! how terrible! He should quit and write for barking carnival and make fun of everyone to make himself feel better instead….Im sure he could make him atleast 40k a year doing that!!! Thats what Id do.
HAHAHA said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I read this thinking….the guy who wrote this must really hate his life to be so negative…cheer up little buddy. Better things to do than pick on people for their weaknesses. You could write an article on Iowa states strenghts…..The computer you used for this web page wouldnt have been made possible with out ISU’s shitty job of making the worlds first computer. Oh and the obvious fact that with out corn the world would fail to exist…..and who do you think perfects the growing of it for the entire world….ISU….weird….ya douch bag
Rather interesting ISU Preview said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
[...] [...]
Texas Engr said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
@ HAHAHA
I hope your post was only half serious. It certainly made me cringe.
Nordberg said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Oh I certainly hope it was serious.
“write about the good stuff… you know, like, uh, corn.”
Vasherized said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
HAHAHAHA,
That was awesome. Please stick around.
It took a few days for the people in Ames still on dial-up to discover this but I’m glad they did.
Lh said:
August 26th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Main Entry: pin·head
Pronunciation: \ˈpin-ˌhed\
Function: noun
Date: 1593
1 : the head of a pin
2 : something very small or insignificant
3 : a very dull or stupid person : fool
Aaron said:
August 26th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Wow, scathing preview from I take it a Texas fan. I’m feeling a 4 win kind of year from the clones.
On the other being beat down by a texan is like the a yankee fan telling the rangers they’re a joke. It’s obvious, and neither team won the series last year.
Vince Young is gone and so is your hope of landing the NC game. Mark down at least one loss to OK, and play your meaningless bowl.
Plus one day your mighty longhorns will lose a football game to ISU, and when it happens it will be so embarrasing for ya’ll.
Cheers,
Iowa
8straight said:
August 26th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Hey Aaron have you met Nate and Tim?
Scipio Tex said:
August 26th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
It’s an Iowa State fan. Don’t scare him away. It’s like trying to pet a deer.
Let’s win his trust and then examine him.
Trips Right said:
August 26th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Or we can just shoot him and mount his rack in Sailor Ripley’s dorm room.