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Posted by Minnesotahorn on August 22nd, 2009 under Football
It’s that time again. That’s right, time for Barking Carnival’s States of the Union from around the Big 12 Confer… HEY! I f#*king hear you scrolling up to check the by line dickhead! No, it’s not Scipio. Get the hell over it. His come out later this week. If it makes you feel better I plan to steal liberally from him.
Now where was I? Right. State of the Union. Let’s do Nebraska I guess.
I think I speak for the majority of Texas fans when I say that I wish Nebraska success and would gladly welcome a Husker return to prominence if maybe not dominance. Heck, I don’t think anyone’s been able to muster up much antipathy for UNL since Dominic Raiola took his shtick to Detriot where he presumably makes loud banal jokes about people’s names and asks 170 pound bar patrons what the f#%k they’re looking at. Yes these days it’s hard to imagine a win over the Huskers inspiring a program hanger-on whose movies are nothing but shameful insipid pap to go on a four day naked reefer binge. Just hypothetically I mean.
Your movies humilate all primates. Even red assed monkeys.
Many explanations are given for Nebraska’s decline in recent years and they often correctly revolve around the loss of Prop-48s but another factor is the willingness of programs around the country to give the freakish athlete with questionable passing skills a shot at quarterback. Nebraska used to have a great pitch for that kid as it was often his only shot to play that position (20 years ago Robert Griffin is likely wrecking shit as an option QB in Lincoln). Now with the proliferation of spread option offenses that kid’s got any number of choices. Also with Nebraska’s shift to a more conventional offense they’re now left with the same pitch as schools from warmer climates with more recent success. Predictably that’s lead to classes consisting mainly of guys Texas, OU, Notre Dame and Ohio State passed on. Let’s see what they’re looking at this year.
Defensively Herbie’s looking pretty good. NU was the conference runner up in both pass and total defense, a marked improvement over 2007 when they were dead ass last. It’s tough to even type that. Whither the Blackshirts? Some of the improvement can be attributed to a soft schedule but a good deal of credit has to go to Coach Pelini from whom sloppy tackling and busted coverage incites a seething righteous anger. Like Tim Tebow confronted with foreskin.
The Huskers return six starters from the 2008 unit, most notably Ndamukong Suh. Suh is a monster who everyone would be talking about if he’d change his first names to Bob or something. To protect him they’ll have to replace both a tackle and an end but fortunately there is some talent there in the form of Jason Ankrah, a DE out of Maryland who everyone wanted and DT Terrence Moore who nobody did.
At MLB Nebraska starts Phillip Dillard after failing to secure commitments from Joan Rivers or Betty White. He’s not the player Cody Glenn was but the hope is that his references to The Gong Show and Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In will confuse opposing running backs.
The secondary is lead by Larry Asante and should again be a strength. They return three starters and nickel Eric Hagg. They’ll perform admirably against most of their schedule and get abused by OU and Kansas.
Offensively there are a number of questions and a bench without many answers. At quarterback Zac Lee would seem to be the clear cut starter although he was apparently running behind Patrick Witt before he transferred. Lee’s from City College of San Francisco and threw for 3,400 yards on the JUCO level. So there’s that.
At Wide Receiver the Cornhuskers are in the unique position of missing two white dudes. Available to replace them are the talented junior Niles Paul and a lonely rural windmill.
This is not Nate Swift.
At tail back Husker fans are hoping Roy Helu can follow in the footsteps of guys like Derek Brown, Mike Rozier and Ahman Green although they’re understandably reserved after the crushing disappointments of Marlon Lucky, Jim Belushi and Mr. Pibb. Also available are Texans Quentin Castille and Rex Burkhead.
At tight end Nebraska returns Mike McNeill whose 32 receptions in 2008 set a record for tight ends and Dreu Young who I’ll describe as ‘reliable’ because I’m not familiar with him and he’s white.
On the Oline four starters/regular contributors return and although Lydon Murtha will be portrayed as a huge loss because he was highly recruited and got drafted he’s actually one of the-ahem-gentler 6′7″ fellas around. Yao Ming laughs derisively at his inability to leverage his size advantage.
Ultimately this year is about continuing defensive improvement and finding competent quarterback play. Nebraska’s tight ends and ground game should help keep their defense off of the field and the first two months of the schedule look pretty friendly. That’s good because a couple of early losses could leave Nebraska fans looking forward to, um, county fair season? Kool-Aid Days?
Jesus Christ.
In any case we’ll hope for the best. Despite guys like Lawrence Phillips, Nebraska’s polite knowledgeable fans and humble Midwestern setting combine to make UNL football feel like one of life’s wholesome, guilt-free pleasures, up there with taking the dog for a ride, playing cards with your grandpa and the failure of Topher Grace’s film career. We’ll say 9-3 with losses to OU, Kansas and one of Virginia Tech, Missouri or Baylor.
__________________________________
HenryJames’ 2008 Nebraska State of the Union
Scipio Tex’s 2007 Nebraska State of the Union
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uthookem said:
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Nice write-up, and logical explanation on downfall due to spread offenses and QBs having more options than those presented in Lincoln.
Hook ‘em!
dick said:
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Finally, now college football season is really here.
dick said:
August 22nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
“Also available are Texans Quentin Castille”
oops, think he got dismissed today
panchoswanson said:
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Mr. Pibb continues to meet and exceed any of my expectations.
Flamingmonkeyass said:
August 22nd, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Excellent and funny. Even Scipio would be proud.
MagicSoccerSpray said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:10 am
Mr. Pibb is communist Dr. Pepper.
Parlin Hall said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 am
Thanks for this, Minnesotahorn. Some thoughts on the decline and potential rise of the Husker program:
1) scholarship limits played as big a role as the restriction on partial qualifiers: this is a program that traditionally thrived through scale (cf. the walk-on program)
2) letting a CEO pick his successor (Solich) is rarely a good idea; follow that up with the hire of someone poorly suited to the college game (Callahan) and you’ve got a decade’s worth of decline
3) Pelini’s dismissal of Castille for violation of unspecified team rules is a good sign, as it asserts the coach’s control of the program (and reduces the fumble count at the same time). It’s hard for me to see Stoops jacking his backup RB a few weeks before the season.
4) the “spread as the new option offense” argument would be more convincing if Chase Daniel had ever reminded me of Turner Gill. Your point about Griffin being at home in the Lincoln of old is a good one, though.
ponderos said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:19 am
Nebraska’s polite knowledgeable fans
Not from where we sit.
uthookem said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 5:22 am
Trust me, Ponderos, it’s you, not them.
houstonearlers said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
What I always found ironic was NU bragging about their 95% grad rate and Dr. Tom bragging that 90% of their partial qualifiers graduated.
Why is that a good thing? First, at most schools only 50% of freshmen will graduate. Football players have lower average GPAs and SAT scores than average students and those that did not qualify have a terrible academic profile — how the hell can 95% of football players graduate and how in the holy hell can 90% of those who couldn’t hit a 700 or whatever the minimum was on the SAT graduate at a 90% rate.
Grad rates are meaningless because some schools are diploma mills — even some elite schools are basically impossible to fail out of once you get in. And some will actually not pass all athletes.
A university that graduates 90% of its partial qualifiers is far more likely to be a diploma mill for athletes (I don’t buy excellent academic support allows these kids to earn a real degree — not at a 90% rate).
For this reason, Tech and Leach should shut the F up about their great graduation rates.
Zaboomafoo said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:07 am
You forget to add “humiliated primates” as one of your tags. That will definitely cut down on the hit count.
Stuck in Mn said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 8:21 am
Ponderos- I’ve been to NU twice, both of which were soul crushing games that we absolutely stole from them, and they were nothing but respectful to us. I call husker fans the anti-buckeyes.
What happened to you?
Tilting at Gristmills said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
I had the opportunity to spend a couple of months working in Nebraska last fall and the good folks up there left quite an impression on me. Their fanbase knows football like Bomar knows douche. I’m not talking about a bunch of “good fans” who happen to know 75% of the roster, I’m talking about guys who actually understand and can discuss at length the nuances of the game.
There were the daily barbs directed at us Texans, but nothing malicious. Most Huskers felt that if their team couldn’t win it they’d just as soon see Texas take the Big 12.
iamthepush said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:50 am
i took a dump this morning and little pieces of Nebraska (corn) in the toilet
iamthepush's edit said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 9:52 am
*were
lowly hermaphrodite seeks 100% male identity said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
I am jealous of Matt. Glad he’s a loyal fan, though.
NorthDallasSooner said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Thoughts
“I think I speak for the majority of Texas fans when I say that I wish Nebraska success and would gladly welcome a Husker return to prominence if maybe not dominance”
——————————————-
Most OU fans, at least those of us with any sense of history, would agree with you. I was in school during the height of the rivalry and it was greatness. The Big XII needs a good Nebraska too. Only they can bring the North into sustainable equality with the top teams in the South. That said, I don’t think it will happen. I believe Pelini will do a very good job and get Nebraska back to 9 and 10 win seasons pretty quickly, but I just don’t think they’re going to be able to recruit the kind of blue chips that you need to compete for top 10s and national titles regularly. 9 to 10 wins, win the North at least half the time and sneak up and win a Big XII title once or twice a decade. That’s it.
———————————————
ponderos
August 23, 2025 at 5:19 am Nebraska’s polite knowledgeable fans
Not from where we sit.
———————————-
ponderos, I just couldn’t disagree with you more. In fact, most Nebraska fans like OU and root for us, certainly against UT. I’ve never met a Nebraska fan that wasn’t exceptionally knowledgable, didn’t have a heightened sense of the importance of SATURDAY football and didn’t have a healthy respect for their opponents.
As for the latent OU-NU rivalry, the rank and file ‘Husker fans greatest regret is that we don’t play each other every year anymore. Though we haven’t played annually in 14 years now, every ‘Husker fan still considers OKLAHOMA it’s real rival, not anyone from the North and especially not those obnoxious wannabe’s from Boulder.
What made that rivalry great was it’s mutual respect. There was nothing of the catcalls and fuck you’s that OU and UT fans constantly hurl at each other. Nebraska and OU fans partied together before and after the game, regardless of outcome. They were NEVER disrespectful in our venue and, I trust not in theirs.
My M.O. these days since I only make a couple games a year anymore, and one is in the Cotton Bowl in October (missed one since ‘85), is to go to our best or most interesting road game each year. I’m going to Lincoln this year. Never been and CAN’T WAIT, because I know I’m going to be in one of the great venues with some of the game’s greatest fans.
To the record for this year, I’ll call 8-4 and no better. Agree with the 3 MHorn cited but add Va Tech (a game which I’m actually taking some NE clients to. Will write a site/venue review if anyone’s interested).
Looking forward to the remaining State of Union’s boys. It’s getting close.
dedfischer said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I enjoyed this paragraph:
“At MLB Nebraska starts Phillip Dillard after failing to secure commitments from Joan Rivers or Betty White. He’s not the player Cody Glenn was but the hope is that his references to The Gong Show and Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In will confuse opposing running backs.”
Outstanding work, there.
ponderos said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
#
uthookem
August 23, 2025 at 5:22 am
Trust me, Ponderos, it’s you, not them.
It’s bad blood from the Big 8 days. NDS apparently hasn’t run across the Husker douches, but they’re there.
To the rank and file Husker fans, I’d like nothing more than to play them every year. That’s one W we could count on.
John Carson said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Great write up. It’s nice to see what good coaching can do. In last year’s Nebraska SOTU Ndamukong stood for “come and enjoy my wide open fields” or something like that…now he is just known as Bob the monster.
You can just call him #93 when we see you guys in Dallas this year.
jonestopten said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 6:36 pm
“…losses to OU, Kansas and one of Virginia Tech, Missouri or Baylor.”
one of? Trust me, Virginia Tech is a loss. The new Nebraska quarterback (Zac Efron, is it?) will be beaten within an inch of his life by the Hokie defense.
West-Side Husker said:
August 23rd, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I love my Huskers, but I also love these write-ups and look forward to them every year. Always hilarious…very well done. I particularly enjoyed the following line: “Available to replace them are the talented junior Niles Paul and a lonely rural windmill”
Generally speaking (of course there are always exceptions in every fan-base, including Nebraska’s), Texas and OU are the two other groups of Big-12 fans who I have always found to be knowledgeable and respectful. Not surprisingly these are also the two groups that my friends and I always end up having great joint tail-gate parties with, both before and after games. Always enjoy those meetings and look forward to getting back to Austin and Norman again soon.
One glaring flaw with the write up is in regard to the D-Line. The starting DEs will be Pierre Allen and Barry Turner (not Ankrah). Allen started most of last year as a Sophomore and had a very good year, and Turner is back from injury after breaking his leg and missing most of the season. Also, Terrance Moore will not be the starting DT alongside Suh, it will be Jared Crick, with either Moore or former 5-star recruit Baker Steinkuhler backing him up.
Anyway, thanks for the entertaining read, and keep up the good work.
mjbestever said:
August 24th, 2009 at 5:04 am
A WR that will be back and was a pretty decent contributor last year is Meno Holt. Expect to see a JUCO wideout with size and speed in Brandon Kinnie. Niles Paul is a for sure starter.
The TE’s on the team are very strong for the passing game. Kyler Reed will be used, who could also be used as an H-back as well. There are no Gresham’s, but there is a ton of talent and it is deep at the TE position.
Dillard is not penciled in as the starter at MLB. Atleast not right now he isn’t. Colton Koehler and Will Compton are at MLB as well. Husker fans are excited by what they’ve seen and heard coming from walk-on standout LB Matt May, as well as 6′6″ Sean Fischer (most likely starting.) The nickel defensive package that is utilized to stop the spread passing game will impact how the LB’s will be used, as it replaces the 4-3 against pass happy Big 12 opponents.
D-line starters will be
DE-Barry Turner
DT-Ndamukong Suh
DT-Jared Crick
DE-Pierre Allen
Ankrah may see time, but there are other young DE’s for back-up such as Cameron Meredith that would see time ahead of him most likely.
Good stuff though. Can’t wait to get the season underway! Good luck to all.
Minnesotahorn said:
August 24th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Thanks WSH and obviously you know your squad better than I. I wasn’t trying to pick starters so much as just note there was talent available. I mentioned Moore because I’d seen him and Ankrah because I remembered his recruitment. Steinkuhler confused me by having a brother who just graduated. He needs to knock that off. In any case the point I hoped to convey was that your defensive line should be just fine.
Thanks to all for the comments.
dedfischer said:
August 24th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Dillard had to be your starting MLB for the Diller joke to work. Not a whole lot Pelini can do about it.
Been to Lincoln said:
August 24th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Yawn
Grange95 said:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:00 am
As a Husker fan, I think your analysis is dead on, not to mention pretty dang funny.
FWIW, I have always respected OU and Texas, as well as their fans, who incidentally tend to be significantly more knowledgeable and more respectful than fans from the wannabes who get hot one season every couple of decades. OU will always be our conference rival. Not formerly sky blue Colorado, who needed a flukey Hail Mary and a freebie down in the same season to get a national title. Not Kansas or Kansas St., teams who only recently could only count on the other as a guaranteed win. Definitely not Missouri, where the fans can’t even spell their own school name properly. Hopefully Nebraska can rebuild to the point where the Big XII North can be relevant in the conference again. Time will tell …
Ricky said:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:00 am
You could have gone with Jared Crick and had any number of avenues to pull off a ‘good’ race joke with a Watson and Crick bit…plus, MLB Phyllis Diller was never on Laugh In. I think you are confusing her with former free safety Ruth Buzzi. Getting bitch slapped with a purse coming across the middle couldn’t have been fun.
Art Vandelay said:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:07 am
I have to concur with the comments regarding the NU fans and their good sportsmanship. When I worked at IBM in Dallas for a couple of years in the mid ‘90’s IBM closed the Omaha office, and offered relocation to all the Omaha employees to Dallas. My manager for a period of time was a HUGE NU fan, and I worked side by side 10-15 others. They were very knowledgeable (men and women) and they respected UT.
When Texas beat NU at the first Big 12 championship I came into the office the following Sunday and covered my managers office (and others) with Longhorn gear, pictures from the game, etc…. They thought it was classic and appreciated it. I think they were relieved that others around the country took college football as seriously as they did. Great group of folks.
Scipio Tex said:
August 24th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Dreu Young who I’ll describe as ‘reliable’ because I’m not familiar with him and he’s white.
That’s funny stuff.
Parlin Hall said:
August 24th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Phyllis Diller, who is rumored to have conceived, in an unholy ménage with the Smothers Brothers, our very own Scipio Tex:
# “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In” …. Herself / … (4 episodes, 1968-1973) … aka “Laugh-In”
- Episode #6.19 (1973) TV episode …. Herself - Guest Performer
- Episode #4.14 (1970) TV episode …. Herself
- Episode #3.13 (1969) TV episode …. Herself
- Episode #2.10 (1968) TV episode …. Herself - Guest Performer
She appears never to have said “no” to Flip Wilson or Dean Martin either, so the paternity thing is murky.
BatesHorn said:
August 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Somewhere, Odell James just shed a small tear.
Especially since he has to spot Robert Griffin on the bench.
West-Side Husker said:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Minnesota, SOOO true, I have non-Husker fan friends who are perpetually convinced that there is one old dude named Steinkuhler has been playing at Nebraska for the last 57 years.
Again, keep up the great work, love the humor.
Ricky said:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Guess I should have read up on the individual episodes rather than trying to go from memory. Oh, well, sad that I even remember Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson (Please can someone work in an Arte Johnson joke…wouldn’t they have cast him as Rudy if the film was made in 1960?)…damn, what a waste of brain cells and I don’t even remember the show being all that funny.
Zonie87 said:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Always enjoy your irreverence, whether it makes sense or not.
The Pelini Bros. goal is to have the Big 12’s best defense this year… no sloppy seconds this time.
Fortunately, for we star-crossed NU fanatics, the planets and stars have aligned this year for NU’s defense to allow the team to be in every game.
Bo will be able to dial up more speed and more sacks and turnovers this year; and with the offense in General Lee’s command, NU has big time, quick-strike capability again.
Zac Lee is going to surprise many defensive coordinators and more than a few DB’s are going to hate watching film on Sunday. Coach Wats is going to dial up a whole lotta long pass completions with Lee’s huge arm and fast feet.
Remember this name: Kyler Reed. Just one of a group of TE’s; but KR has WR speed, and very soft hands. NU is going to use him to great advantage.
Don’t look for anyone on the coaching staff or team to believe that nine wins will be anything but a starting point to get to several more.
Bo wants to be in Bobby’s grill now, not tomorrow.
This should be fun, regardless.
Trips Right said:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Great article, Minnie.
VoiceOfReason said:
August 24th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Husker Fans = all class
http://www.tigerboard.com/boards/missouri-tigers.php?message=6821960
panchoswanson said:
August 24th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Mizzou fans = reapplying to the genome project for conditional human classification.
Magnificent Bastard said:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Bo Pelini looks like Robert Clendenin
cornphobia said:
August 25th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
yeah, I s’pose most Huske fans are allright….until they get backed into a corner or defensive (not using football terms right now)
When that happens reactions range from death threats for the coaches to mindless nursing home babbling about how good they used to be.