Mack Brown's Pre-Game Agenda for OU

4:30a Wake up in a bed drenched with cold sweat.

4:32a Thanks Sally, who had the foresight to call housekeeping last night to order plastic sheets for the bed.

4:40a Long, hot shower, during which he decides that Major’s offensive game plan—which he read for the first time last night—is way too aggressive and doomed to fail. Gotta fix that.

5:15a Shaves whilst listening to his favorite Tony Robbins CD.

5:30a Sally dresses him.

5:45a Appearance in hotel kitchen to supervise last-minute preparations for team breakfast.

5:50a Learns that hotel stores are running perilously low on applewood smoked bacon. SUDDEN CHANGE.

5:51a Tries to catch breath.

5:53a Calls Bill Little’s room and orders him to find Cleve Bryant and send him over to Kuby’s to buy 20 sides of applewood smoked bacon. (Bryant has been stashed at the team hotel for such emergencies, registered under the name "Ike Turner.")

5:55a Calls immediate staff meeting to discuss how to prepare the players for the SUDDEN CHANGE bacon emergency. Orders team nutritionist to prepare a quickie Power Point presentation on the merits of link sausage over applewood smoked bacon. Forgets to tell Major that the game plan is shot to hell.

6:10a Gathers team in lobby outside dining room to inform the boys about the SUDDEN CHANGE. Yields floor to Mad Dog, who has worked up a quick shuffle step and a chant.

6:15a Team breakfast.

6:15a Mack’s private breakfast with Joe Jamail.

6:45a Position group meetings. Mack stops in each meeting to blurt out: "Be physical!"

7:15a Offense/defense meetings. Mack checks on defense first, hears magic words of "physical, toughness and swagger," then leaves. On to the offense, where he stands in back casually chatting with a donor who, unbeknownst to him, is the Big Cigar. Forgets to tell Major about the game plan again.

7:30a Bill Little arrives with a coded message from Ike/Cleve. Someone left the bus rosters in Austin. SUDDEN CHANGE.

7:32a Calls abrupt halt to offense/defense meetings for emergency SUDDEN CHANGE staff meeting regarding who gets on what bus. As staff looks at him with a unanimous dumbfounded expression, he asks Bill Little what Coach Royal would do. Bill leads off with a Shakespearean sonnet about the bus ride that the 1963 National Championship team took to the Cotton Bowl.

7:40a Throws up his hands and tells Ike/Cleve — now out of hiding due to emergency situation — to just get the kids on the buses.

7:45a After giving crystal Longhorn Christmas ornaments to each Dallas cop in the motorcade, boards bus for the Fairgrounds. The team is now at least a half hour behind schedule due to SUDDEN CHANGE.

7:47a Cranks up Celine Dion on his iPod. The special one that Vince gave him.

8:05a Buses arrive at Cotton Bowl. Dashes into locker room head for first ass piss of the day.

8:30a Orders Bill Little to send out for Fletcher’s and Jack’s Fries.

8:50a While team is getting taped, joins Joe Jamail for corny dogs and fries. It’s their special OU game day tradition.

9:15a Up to the club level of the press box to meet with donors. The words "fixed," "toughness," and "swagger" were used repeatedly.

9:30a Back to locker room for coaches only meeting. Asks how practice went that week. Again forgets to tell Major that his game plan is for shit.

10:00a Warm ups on field. Stands at 50-yard line talking to the Big Cigar.

10:15a Exceedingly awkward conversation with Bob Stoops. Tells the Stooper that he digs his after shave. Asks him where he can get some.

10:20a Spots uniformed multi-service color guard on the sideline. Tells Bill Little to go get him the U.S. Marine representative because, you know … all that few and proud stuff.

10:25a Pre-game chat with Brad McCoy.

10:35a Back to the locker room. Bill brings the Marine to Mack. Mack introduces Marine to team, says he’s there to talk about toughness and adversity. Marine tells them everything he's learned as a member of the OU ROTC.

10:37a Second ass piss.

10:43a Swaggerific Mad Dog chant.

10:47a Into the tunnel. Good luck kiss from Sally, who gives him some Immodium.

10:49a While mouthing the words to "The Eyes of Texas," thinks to himself "God how I hate this fucking place."

10:55a Gets on the offensive headset before the coin toss. Major tells Mack that he wants the ball. Mack sends Nate Boyer out with instructions to defer. Texas wins toss to raucous cheers (fans know to take their opportunities where they can find them).

11:00a Kickoff.

11:03a Touchdown Oklahoma.

11:08a OU Kickoff returned from the end zone to the 12-yard line. Makes note on index card with fat Sharpie. "Returns – gotta fix."

11:10a Texas comes out in heavy 2-TE set in the diamond formation with Jalen Overstreet at QB. First play goes for 20 yards.

11:11a Calls time out. Stare of death from Brad McCoy, who has a sideline pass. Nods in response. Gets on headset and tells Major that his game plan is too aggressive and will never work. Calls for Case in spread formation and a quick out to Mike Davis lined up on the field side.

11:15a Case throws pick-six. 14-0 Oklahoma.

…and you pretty much know how it will transpire from there.