Lower your monocles and put away your playbooks, it's time for the Pregamer.
When we awoke Monday morning at the Pregamer house on Fake House Lane (next door to the Heisman House and across the street from Hugh Laurie), the dawn in Texas seemed just a little bit brighter. 48 Texans were taken off the Ebola watch list, the state fair ended with the highest coupon sales in its 128 year history (chicken-fried loaded baked potato, y'all) and the Longhorns had one more W than the week prior.
Since we are in such a good mood, we're gonna hand out props like Oprah this week. You get props, and you get props, and you get props!
Tyrone Swoopes, accept thy props for 400+ yards, and two completions to end the game that made one extremely hungover Pregamer contributor squeal with glee from a couch in west Taipei.
John Harris, we dub thee propmaster for your 147 yards which is 6 more than you had all of last season.
Nick Rose, you beautifully-maned stallion, you. We bestow upon you props for your new career long field goal and your clutch game winning field goal. ‘Nick Rose nails the game-winning FG vs ISU' is now your #1 google news result. Nick Cannon and Amber Rose can shove it. You have avoided the barbers chair. For now.
Charlie Strong, take a prop or two for these quotes: "[Joking] I go back to spring game and just, wow, can he play quarterback? I was gonna tell him to move to another position" & "Let's throw one deep and see what happens."
Texas Defense, I have nothing to say to you.
And now, like the Mavs in the last game of the 2012-2013 season we will battle Saturday for the holy grail of minimal fan defense - the sweet .500, non-losing record. It's a tall order traveling to the Little Apple to play KSU who brings both sorcery and arguably the top team in the Big 12 onto the field. If the Horns can get all 3 phases in sync, well we could have a game of it folks. Gird your loins, and raise your horns.
Love in the Time of Ebola
We have neither 350 pages, nor Gabriel Garcia Marquez's talent (or moustahce), but this needs to be written:
The year is 1992. Open on the living room of the Lockett family in Tulsa, OK. A strapping, young, 85-year-old BILL SNYDER addresses KEVIN LOCKETT, a promising high school recruit.
SNYDER: Now if you commit to playing for Kansas State, I will live and coach forever.
KEVIN: I would love to. I will also bring my younger brother and my future son, who will each be nearly as prodigious and accomplished as I will be as a Wildcat.
SNYDER: Great. Now let us anoint your arrival by both drinking this tonic of the blood of 16 Bulgarian rams.
SFX: [laugh maniacally]
Cut to 89-year-old BILL SNYDER running a double marathon, circa 1996, pondering KEVIN LOCKETT'S eventual departure for the NFL as the school's all-time leader in receptions (217), receiving yards (3032), and receiving touchdowns (26).
SNYDER addresses his running companion JOSIA THUGWANE, who is struggling to keep pace:
SNYDER: Jo, I just can't imagine these next two years before I have a Lockett on my team. My "heart" (airquotes are his) is just so empty.
Match cut to 1998. AARON LOCKETT is now a member of the Wildcat family.
SNYDER: With each Lockett, my magic grows stronger! I will now have four straight 11-win seasons! Even though this school has never done that before!!
Cut to SNYDER shooting the breeze and tossing boulders with old pals MAGNUS SAMUELSON and SVEND KARLSEN, thinking on AARON LOCKET (1998-2001), KSU's career all-purpose yards (4023 yards) leader, leaving Manhattan.
SNYDER: Guys. Even my happiness potions are failing to make me happy [chucks the Atlas stone].
VIKINGS: (indecipherable grunts and groans)
AARON LOCKETT (2): (telepathically) Don't worry Billy. We will be together again soon. Though in the form of my nephew. And in a decade. Until then, We'll be in your heart.
Wipe to montage of SNYDER battling a decade without his love(s). His heartbrokenness even forcing him to retire for a brief spell. Cut to 2014, A still young, 107-year-old SNYDER is in some kind of mythological Savage Garden, staring lovingly at his soul mate, 3rd LOCKETT.
SNYDER: Your dad promised you to me. To be honest, I knew I loved you before I met you, I think I dreamed you into life.
TYLER LOCKETT (3): Ah thanks coach. I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your hope, I'll be your love--be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath...Truly, madly, deeply do.
SNYDER: (in a rapid legato)AnytimeIneedtoseeyourface, Ijustclosemyeyes AndIamtakentoaplace whereyourcrystalmind and Magenta feelings takeupshelterinthebaseofmyspine, Sweetlikea chic-a-cherry cola.
TYLER LOCKET (3): But you know coach, if I keep climbing up the record charts, one day I'll have to leave here and go to the NFL...
SNYDER: Never. What if we...No...it wouldn't...what if we fly the yellow Ebola flag, and live in quarantine forever?
Cut to SNYDER, hundreds of years young, wrapped in his love's embrace. Sailing off into the sunset.Fade to Credits.
Face in the Crowd
Team Vertical Hair Stylings:
Better Know a Roster
- Will Ash (OL, SO) and Morgan Burns (DB, JR) - Chiefpresident and Grassistant VP of the K-State chapter of NORML.
- Tanner Wood (DE, FR) - ...is more often seen at Hippie Hollow than Barton Springs.
- Elijah Lee (LB, FR) and Judah Jones (WR, FR) - you wonder why Biblical names like these and Gob have stuck but we never see any Hezekiahs or Maher-shalal-hash-baz...s running around.
- Cre Moore (DB, FR) - His first name? That shit cray.
- Kade True (LB, FR) - A tribal armband tattoo in name form.
- Cody Whitehair (OL, JR) - Originally named after his high school coach, Cody Moustache really matured playing for Coach Snyder.
- Brogan Barry (DB, FR) - His brother "Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean, captain of Broah's Ark" is a Rivals 4-star who plays like "Mean Bro" Greene.
- Sam Sizelove (LB, FR) - a fantastic name for a gay porn star.
- Cody Small (TE, FR) - a terrible name for his counterpart.
- Curry Sexton (WR, SR) - A wonderful name for the Bollywood remakes of some of Mr. Sizelove's classics.
- Remington Rebstock (Defensive GA) - A name like this deserves be in the Grove immediately before and after Ole Miss games. Make it happen Coach Freeze.
VY Pump Fake: Turns out the source of the K St curse was actually all Bill Snyder's old windbreakers. Like Green without the Lantern, Snyder falls. Texas 27-20.
KyleCarpenter: Colt McCoy is starting this week! Is Colin Klein starting? Is Ell Roberson? Is Josh Freeman? Not even Jortsy Nelson can bring me down this week. All sunshine, all the time. Texas with the upset, 31-24.
TejasChaos: It's been a pretty good time to be from Kansas with the Royals in the world series. Oh wait - they play in Missouri. There's an Arlington joke in there somewhere, but I don't have the time to make it. Texas by an EMAW. I will be on vacation the next few weeks, leaving the Pregamer in Kyle and VY's capable hands. Have fun everybody.