Sod snatchers. Acre yoinkers. Dirt Burglars. Terra pilferers. Land thieves. Prairie bandits. Grass rustlers. Plains pillagers. No my friends, these are not terms for the residents of Cell Block B at your local penitentiary. These are Sooners and despite laws against fornicating with siblings, you will still find too many Sooner fans running free. That’s right - it’s Hate Week, folks.
The Crimson is flowing down the leg of the Oklahoma interstate, past the casinos, past the 3% beer, past that one house that everyone simply references as "the one that ain’t mobile," and into this great land of ours. It’s time to put right some of the state of Oklahoma wrongs that have been wrought upon the world:
- Last week’s cheap shot on Foreman and Warren’s injury (same state, still counts)
- Holding a fine Texan like Sterlin Gilbert hostage for an entire season
- Birth state of Vladimir Putin
- Oklahoma declared watermelon the state vegetable
- That snowball throwing, climate change denying senator
- The exclamation point in the title of Oklahoma!
- The drill bit to the temple that is the fight song ‘Boomer Sooner’
- Oklahoma invented parking meters
- University of Oklahoma, and yet their abbreviation is OU (Aggie logic)
- Oklahoma in Choctaw literally means ‘red people’
- Toby Keith
Oklahoma is a barrel full of deviants. Let’s just take a second and think silently to ourselves, what happened that led to these laws? Did they all happen in the same event? (Yes, almost definitely.)
- It is illegal to have tissues in the back of cars
- It is illegal for a bar owner to allow patrons to pretend to have sex with a buffalo
- It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots
- It is illegal, in Clinton, OK, to molest an automobile
The Longhorns? Yes, our RBs are broken. Yes, our coach sits on a million or two scovilles. And yes, our secondary has been nicknamed the South Fork Dam. But it’s Hate Week and none of that matters if the Golden Hat returns to Austin.
It’s [most likely 4:13 am as we write this] and OU still sucks.
KD left your state.
A Basic Guide For Interacting With Oklahomans
Look mistakes happen. At some point in your life, it's likely that a Oklahoman will come near you or somebody you love. Fortunately, this danger exists mostly while looting a Payless Shoe store, spending time in the holding cell at a water park or snorting prescription drugs at a Toby Keith concert. Situations that, for most reasonable people, are avoidable. But on one weekend of October, there is no escape. This Saturday, if you find yourself in a situation in which you must interact with an Oklahoman, here's a helpful guide.
Always remember that the one with the longest mullet is usually the matriarch of the family.
The person you're talking to is almost assuredly far gone on meth, so try to communicate on their level with grunts and stabbing motions.
Find out what career they plan to pursue now that the cornerstones of their economy have either plummeted in price by the barrel or shrewdly moved to the Bay-area.
If you find yourself cornered, don't panic, just make friendly conversation by asking them what the essay that wasn't good enough to get them into Texas was about.
Try to hold your breath around the obese ones.
And most of the men as well.
Don't be alarmed if the people you encounter appear to be alarmed or confused. They haven't been near functioning electricity in a very long time and this is all very confusing for them.
Do your best to remind every Oklahoma fan you encounter of the actions of Joe Mixon, because it's important to remember that the lack of shame at University of Oklahoma isn't just a disgrace to college football but the entire country.
- U of H sympathizers find themselves between a rock and a hard Stoops; a veritable Sophie’s Choice. If Oklahoma wins, Coogs can enjoy their boosted strength of schedule with a victory over a potential Big-12 champion and go back to simply rooting for Charlie Strong’s other team to destroy every other opponent besides them. But that could very likely mean watching their beloved goatee march a few hours West to the state’s capital.
- Shane Buechele stepped onto the field for the first time against Notre Dame and completed his first throw. The kid looked poised. Since then, reality has trickled back in, and he has looked like simply a very, very talented 18 year old human. Apparently off the field, there are still some growing pains.
- There may not be a more accurate depiction in popular culture of the Sooners...in fact this may be the only pop cultural reference--if you don’t consider tornado chasin’ pop culture.
- OK-DOT apparently got jokes. Which is impressive for multiple reasons, the main being that they assume their denizens can read. (...Baylor’s sign just says "Drive safely to beat Exes")
- Bryce Cottrell is a apparently a vodka-baron? Sometimes even bad teams can be fun.
- Let us honor the 10 year anniversary of Crying OU kid, and commend him for actually taking what seems to be a pretty rough fallout in stride.
As we slide into our game with those guys up north, we check in and see how our very real ball coach has been handling an admittedly tough week. Coach?
Anybody have Greg robinsons cell— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) October 1, 2016
Ouch. Let’s not have any booty calls we’re gonna regret in the morning there coach. After all, we got a great defensive mind just waiting in the wings to take over the D this week - Charlie Fn Strong!™
.@OU_Football I'm going to be honest with you this will be the first week I've even paid attention to the defense so no need to watch film— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) October 5, 2016
Aha! We knew there must be a reason. It’s the ol’ rope-a-dope strategy. Mack was a big fan of that in the later years. It worked. Sometimes. How do you plan on prepping for the land thieves?
I found Holton hill he's gonna play Saturday he was under the ping pong table playing legos that crazy old holton— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) October 6, 2016
Oh so that’s where he was. On a related note - maybe the Sooners would perfer to setting this off the field in some sort of pong related affair... Hate to bring it up, but some people out there would say you are as good as fired. What do you have to say to that?
Errbody keeps saying oh Charlie I'm gonna miss u so much when you're gone and I'm all how can I be gone when we win the rest of our games— Chuck F'n Strong (@ChuckFnStrong) October 3, 2016
Better Know a Roster:
There are certain things you just better know: how to throw a spiral, how to change a flat, how to grill a perfect medium-rare steak. This week, you better know this deplorable bunch of ingrates who actually made the decision to attend "school" in Norman, Oklahoma.
This squad is made up of:
45 Traitorous Texans, 33 Okies, and some others
- Nick Basquine (WR, RSo.) - Nick can Basq-in the glory of knowing he went to high school in Norman, college in Norman, he’ll work the register at the Wal-Mart in Norman, and he’ll one day die in Norman.
- Najee Bissoon (RB, RJr.) - There can only be one Bassoon King.
- Dahu Green (WR, So.) - Kids, if you dahu is green...consult a doctor.
- Connor Knight (FB, RSr.) - Apparently Trevor Knight has a twin. Which just goes to show you that birth control should be heavily encouraged, especially for people with maroon/crimson proclivities.
- Du'Vonta Lampkin (DT, RFr.) - How do you say "OU sucks" in Spanish?
- Ronnie LaRue (DB, RSo.) - "The Cajun Done Went to Oklahoma" is not quite Stranger in a Strange Land, but I’d read it.
- Kane Snowden (DT, RJr.) - Honestly, there may not be a better place to hide than Norman Oklahoma. Literally no one is looking for someone there.
- Jaxon Uhles (FB, RJr.) - Has it really been two years since we had a Shipley on the roster? Are there no more out there somewhere?
- Myles Tease (WR, Jr.) - LSU thought they could out-fire Texas to get Herman? Pshhh. That was just a Miles Tease!
- Jon-Michael Terry (LB, Fr.) - As we’ve reminded you before, the Oklahoma constitution mandates at least one player on OU’s roster with two first names, punishable by a personal foul penalty to start the game. No word on if the elusive "3 first names" is rewarded in some kind of Stoops salary bonus.
- Kyler Murray (QB, So.) - Until this guy actually plays a down for the Sooners, I’ll love him for causing the Aggiest of Aggie message board meltdowns.
- Dwayne Orso-Bacchus (OL, RSo.) - When you’re the Roman god of keg-stands, but you also like to cook a classy rice-shaped pasta. You got layers, Dwayne.
- Joe Mixon (RB, RSo.) - Joe "I am not a crook" Mixon’s video might be released soon. Let’s hope it’s a smash hit!
- Boob Posts
- So Bob Opts
- Spot Boobs
- Bobo Stops
- Smoke pot, si.
- Me took piss
- Eskimo Pots
- Pokes Moist
- Mispoke To
- Kismet Oops
- Emits Spook (that’s his actual Twitter pic!)
TejasChaos: Texas wins by 6, because 7 is a number reserved for commies and kicking enthusiasts. This is FOOTball people. Not soccer. And we aim to keep it that way.
VY Pumpfake: The Red River Shootout is a game that belies prediction. Case McCoy beat OU. 5-7 Texas beat playoff OU. Chaos is king. With Texas reeling from two straight losses, Charlie has once again roped chaos over to our side. Texas with the upset 45-42.
Kyle Carpenter: There was a really bad dude called the Mountain. He died. #SpoilerAlert He got brought back even more ruthless and indestructible. He then went by the name Ser Robert STRONG. Charlie Strong is at least a little dead. He died a little bit on that trip back from Stillwater. No Mercy. Kill, Ser Charlie. Protect whatever is left of the realm.